Sexy Maid

It's official.  I'm overworked.  Underpaid.  And have no social life.  I got another job cleaning houses for a legit company.  I say legit because a few months ago I tried to get the same type of job.  However, this 'owner' wanted to pay her workers in tacos.  Now I won't say that wasn't tempting.  But I'd rather have the cash.

So I'm cleaning houses 5 days a week - Monday through Friday.  And then working at TRH at night and weekends.  So I'll be working 70-80 hours a week.  Holy balls.

Suffice to say my working out and dieting has hit an all time low.  Why can't I just balance everything?  It's so frustrating.  Cleaning houses is more work than I imagined.  I have stretched muscles that I did not know I had.  And have been super sore and exhausted.  It's pathetic.

However, I'm really excited about the people I'm going to meet and the houses I'm going to see.  Some houses are a complete mess.  And then some houses you can tell that the owner cleaned the house for the cleaning people.  God my mother used to do that when I was growing up.  She used to make me clean for the cleaning lady.  I was like - what's the fucking point then of a cleaning lady then?  So I just shoved stuff under my bed like a pro.

The owner and her scheduling manager have definitely taken advantage of the fact that I can work 5 days a week.  I have felt work raped this past couple weeks.  The first 'job' I went on was a tiny apartment.  The owner told me that this job was 'unusual' compared to what they usually do.  That should of been a red flag for me.  I get there and the husband and father are watching tv with the toddler running amuck in the apartment.  He had a plastic car racing track from one end of the apartment to the other.  And kept touching me and talking to me in baby talk.  God I hate kids.  I wanted to slap his hand and tell him to sit in the corner.  But I'm trying to not get fired on my first day.

Apparently, the wife had A.D.D. and could not clean for herself.  Yes, please reproduce.  A lot.  However, the wife arrived at the apartment later and described herself as 'bipolar'.  Well, she looked it.  She looked like anyone my sister went to high school with in 1986 - fluffy hair and high-waisted mom jeans.  She paid us to clean and organize the place so she could not be so overwhelmed.  I don't buy it.  She spent the rest of the time sitting on her couch, watching me clean the kitchen.  Awkward.

The next week was filled with cleaning houses and training.  Yes, I said training.  For cleaning.  Literally wasting hours of my life so all us 'trainee's' could take turns dusting a lamp.  Just kill me now.

The houses that my company have cleaned before aren't bad jobs.  However, first time jobs are a BITCH.  Especially people with animals.  Hair is the enemy.

We receive instructions for each house before we visit them.  God people are eccentric.  Some of the things they have us do are just bizarre.  This dude today wanted all his fans on low before we left.  Ummmm how about you lift your fucking finger and turn them on yourself.  Because I don't know what switch controls your fan or THE HUGE JACUZZI THAT'S IN YOUR BEDROOM FOR YOUR PORN STAR GANG BANGS.

Yup, 1 Jacuzzi in the Master Bedroom.  0 Closets in the Master Bedroom.  

There was another lady that wanted to hear water running constantly when you were cleaning the bathrooms.  Otherwise, she didn't think you were cleaning them.  

Is is awkward when the owners are there when you are cleaning, you ask?  Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it isn't.  Like one lady was super nice and had the most gorgeous collection of antique furniture in the world.  She would come up to the bedrooms when I was cleaning and talk to her cat.  Most people would of been horrified.  But I just 'meowed' and 'purred' loudly with her.  At first, I didn't know how the owner was going to respond to this.  But she turned out to LOVE ME.  She told me how beautiful I was and we talked about celebrity gossip.  My kind of lady.

One house I went to had the most interesting crap in it.  The had a fake plastic hamster lair.  No real hamsters.  Fake fluffy ones.  There bar area was filled with 70 bottles of scotch and whiskey.  And I am not exaggerating with that number.  In the office, I quickly spotted her and her husband's PROM PICTURE FRAMED.  Apparently they were high school sweethearts.  But wouldn't you think you would burn that 90s prom picture instead of proudly framing it??  She had an intense collection of glass angel figurines.  By intense, I mean like 50 figurines.  It was like Precious Moments collection but slightly different.  She also had a huge salad bowl of matches in her sitting room with the figurines.  The room said: "I like Jesus.  But I also like to party."

Most of these houses you are at is spent deciding what the family dynamic is.  You dust millions of family photos and you decide in your mind how everyone is related to whom.  It's a fun game.  One house I decided that the son had knocked up a woman in college.  Pictures of his graduation and the baby everywhere - but no pictures of the baby mama.  Assumption is my new middle name.  

It's now Lauren Danger Assumption Turner.

In summation, the cleaning house gig is going well so far.  I've just been a little overwhelming.  Hopefully I will find my balance between cleaning houses and TRH so I can get back to working out and get my dieting back on track.  But for now, every day after I clean I crave a Subway meatball sub.  So I get a footlong.  And I destroy that shit.  In my mouth.

"I did not spend six years in junior college to be a maid."

-Jessie Montgomery played by Ally Sheedy in Maid to Order