Wilmerpenis

I am an avid lover of People Magazine because it keeps me up to date on not just my celebrity friends but "normal" people as well.  However, going through the photos of what random celebrities are up to these days, I scanned over a photo that caught my eye.  It was of Wilmer Valderrama and his latest girlfriend.  It then hit me like a wave of bad perfume. BAM.  Why in the world does Wilmer Valderrama date so many women?  What in the world do people see in him?  Is it as his sexy persona from That '70s Show? (If you didn't note the "sexy persona" sarcasm, please acknowledge it now).  Or from...., wait.  He literally has not done anything else worth noting.  Ever.  So again I ask, why Wilmer ladies?

That '70s Show aired in 1998 and his first girlfriend in early '98 was Christina Milian.  They only lasted two months.  She was 17 and he was 18.  Just a couple kids exploring each others ethnicities.

Next on the list was Ms. Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Now I could write a completely different blog entry about her relationships.  She's been around the block a couple times but that is because she brought bedazzling the vagina mainstream.  Thanks, Jennifer.  Us girls really want to spice up that area down there with sticky gemstones.  Good one.

They dated in late '99.  They also partied like it was 1999.

Prince.  Anyone?

Third on the list was Mandy Moore.  This was Wilmer's first public girlfriend from what I can remember of the early '00's.  They dated off and on for two years.

His most publicized girlfriend came next in May 2004. Double L herself, the infamous Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay turned to girls after Wilmer.  

She was 17.  Ew.

Ashlee Simpson was the chick on Wilmer's arm in January 2005.  Wilmer told Howard Stern that she was loud in bed.  I wonder if she was lip syncing in bed as well...

Wait, that is not Ashlee.

Here she is.  Looks pre-nose job.

I think Avril Lavigne used Wilmer as a rebound after she divorced her punky band husband.  It only lasted two months in 2009.

She is still with Brody Jenner.  I think they should do an MTV reality show together called Keeping Up With Washed Up Punk Stars.  I would TOTALLY watch it.  Right after Khloe and Lamar.

Right before I swallow my vomit, next Wilmer dated Demi Lovato from May 2010 to January 2012.  I'm sure this relationship helped her depression instead of hurting it.  What is up with Wilmer and the youngsters???  Likes 'em in training bras.

Or sweat pants.

Wilmer is currently dating Minka Kelly, ex of Derek Jeter.  Derek to Wilmer?

Why.  WHY?  How in the world does Wilmer pull all these beautiful ladies?

The answer is simple.  Wilmer has an extremely large penis.  Really big.

It sure isn't from his show Yo Mamma.

"You know, I'm gonna be a great big bright, shining star."

-Dirk Diggler played by Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights

Hockey Is a Sport

So I've been introduced to many new things by my boyfriend but as a lover of sports, one has stood out above the rest.  It is called "hockey". 

Other than The Mighty Ducks Trilogy (yes, even the 3rd movie), I don't know jack shit about hockey.  I know that you use a stick to get a puck into a goal.  Ice is the stage.  And that "knucklepuck" shots are hard to miss.

And Emilio Estevez will lead you to victory.

At first, I was very adamant about liking hockey.  I am the type of person that at 27 years of age, I am a 100% sure I already knows my likes and dislikes.  I don't like to try new things.  Like seafood.  Please stop trying to get me to like fish or shrimp.  I don't like it. I never will. It smells like something that has been rotting on the ocean floor for the past 20 centuries.  Because it has.  I'll stick to beef and chicken.  Cows and chickens are friendly.  And have legs.  Thus, I'll eat them happily.

However, after watching months of hockey, I have become slightly obsessed.  Players beat the shit out of each other.  And the referee's let them do it.  It's utterly bizarre.  It's like Fight Club except on ice, less secretive and Brad Pitt's absent.

Like my boyfriend, I have become a huge Philadelphia Flyer's fan.  They have a long history of badassness.  They acquired the name "Broad Street Bullies" during the 1972-73 season and later brought the Stanley Cup to Philadelphia in 1974 for the first time.  The won again that subsequent year in 1975 but have not one again since.  

I got to attend my first Flyer's game with Teghen in March.  

He geared me up in a jersey that he owned.  It was an XL and I looked like I was carrying triplets in it.  However, I wore it proudly.  Attending the game was a completely different experience than watching it on tv.  Hearing the puck hit the walls and slap off sticks was incredible and heart pumping.  

We won the game!  As a last ditch effort, sometimes loosing teams will choose to bench their goalies in an attempt to add an extra skater to achieve a last-minute goal.  It is called an "empty net".  However, that can back-fire when the winning team gets the puck and heads down the ice for an easy score.  This is what happens to fans when this occurs:

The amount of chins and thumbs-ups that are happening here are frightening.  I know ladies, back off.  He's mine.

I took Katy Anne to a game a week later and we had a blast.  There was a lady standing behind us who was a Flyers fan but it still did not stop her from yelling at the flaws of her own team.  However, we deduced that she was standing the whole time because she was too large to actually fit in her seat.  We spent most of the time drinking, walking around and taking ugly pictures in our seats.  Here are a few to enjoy:

 I call this one my Billy Bob Thornton Sling Blade face.

Thoughts? Questions? Comments?

I think if I didn't pencil in my eyebrows, this facial expression would be less effective.

Again, we won and had a blast.  It was a good ladies night out for us!

I am still learning a ton but it is exciting to learn and love something completely new.  Following the teams and players is going to make watching the Olympic hockey games more exciting.  "Hey, I know that guy playing for the U.S.S.R." will most likely come out of my mouth at some point.

The Stanley Cup playoffs are currently in the works and the Flyers have already beat off the heavily favored Pittsburgh Penguins in the first round. So if you are watching, keep the Flyers in your prayers and watch a little of the game.  You'll be surprised at how addicting it is.  It you hate it, then turn the channel back over to TLC.  You seem like that type anyway.

Oh, and as an extra bonus.  Black people DO play hockey.  On ice.  Proof:

And you just thought it was Kenan Thompson. It's knucklepuck timeeeeee!!!!!!!

"Neither do hockey players.  Have you guys ever seen a flock of ducks flying in perfect formation? It's beautiful.  Pretty awesome the way they all stick together.  Ducks never say die.  Ever seen a duck fight? No way.  Why? Because the other animals are afraid.  They know that if they mess with one duck, they gotta deal with the whole flock.  I'm proud to be a Duck, and I'd be proud to fly with any one of you.  So how about it?  Who's a Duck?"

-Gordon Bombay played by Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks