2011 Oscar Fashions

Here are my favorites - enjoy fashionistas:

Busy Phillips (Michelle Williams' date - they are besties) in ?? (Not a designer name - cannot find who she was wearing, ugh).

Love the hair/make-up and the GORGEOUS earrings.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana.  Some critics weren't a fan of this but I thought it was gorgeous!  Love the burgundy color and lace.  But not a fan of the hair.

Love the back!  Reminded me of my friend Megan's wedding gown!

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Haute Couture.  Amazing.  No words.  And that hair.  So cute.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott.  This dress photographed blue but looked more purple on the television.  Either way - love the color and structure of the dress.  However, was not a fan of the necklace.  Thought it was a little too much.  But when is $1,350,000 worth of jewelry too much?

Halle Berry in Marchesa.  Loved the dress from head to toe.  The color was stunning on Halle.  Even though she could go anywhere nude because she literally has the MOST beautiful skin in the solar system.  The 10-carat earrings were nice too.

Mila Kunis is Elie Saab.  The lavender on Mila was the most beautiful color of the night.  The dress was a tad bit showing but was stunning and fit Mila perfectly.  I also loved the hair and the stunning earrings.

Reese Witherspoon (my twin) in Giorgio Armani Prive.

This actually looks a lot like my Junior prom dress.  This one is just not from David's Bridal and is 1,000 times more elegant and form-fitting.  Not a fan of the fake blonde hair clip though.  Could of done without it Reese.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere.  Love the feathered train and different coloring.  The top was structured and eye-stopping.  Loved the hair but could of done without the hair clip she wore.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein collection.  I absolutely love the color, sleek dress, make-up, jewelry and hair style (simple and elegant).

"If the wind can do it, then we can do it."

-Nonnie Parker played by Reese Witherspoon in A Far Off Place

2011 Oscars

It is time for the major event - the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.  This year I decided to change it up.  Instead of watching it by myself, I made plans to watch it with my gay Cristian and one of his friends that he refers to as 'Rita' (real name Ron).  I headed to Ron's house with my open case of Miller Light (I consistently keep it classy).  My friend Eli was headed to an Oscar party that he had invited to me to that I had to regrettably declined since I live a couple time zones west of him.  They have a betting pool at this mansion Oscar party which I entered with him.  I'm assuming we didn't win because I have yet to hear from him.  But I got 14 out of 24.  That's pretty good, right?  And I only missed the silly categories like short animation and best documentary so I feel pretty good about my picks.

The hosts this year were Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  While Anne was bubbly and charismatic, James on the other hand looked like he had hit the bong too hard before the performance.  Which is super upsetting because I absolutely LOVE me some Franco.  I guess it proves that James cannot do everything...  Movies, television, graduate school, teaching classes, washing cars & General Hospital stints.

The ceremony began with a pre-taped video of Anne & James' 'trip' to the Oscars.  The theme was the movie Inception where Anne & James got stuck in Alec Baldwin's dream (Alec's dream superbly narrated by Morgan Freeman).  Going through each dream in a dream (if confused - watch Inception), they hopped through some of the movies nominated for Best Picture.  My favorite part was when James shouted at a True Grit Jeff Bridges - "I loved you in Tron".

As the intro video ends, the screen now focused on the real award ceremony as James & Anne made there entrance onto the stage.  Meanwhile, James is video taping the crowd from his perspective.  From his iPhone.

They welcomed the crowd on a beautiful stage!  They did a quick bit with there respective families in the audience.  Anne with her mother who lovingly told her to sit up straight.  Then James' grandmother stood up and proclaimed how excited she was.  Not because her grandson was co-hosting.  But because she got to meet Marky Mark.  

Oh, Mark Wahlberg.  Good vibrations Marky.

I'm not going to go through each winner but just the highlights of the evening.  I know you are sighing with relief.  If this blog is too long for you, well...  then don't read it.

Kirk Douglas came out to present Best Supporting Actress.  His speech was slightly hard to understand but he seemed full of life.  Well, for a man that is 94.  He hit on Anne Hathaway and then made a joke about Australians and the English.  I'm sure the man in charge of the length of the telecast was like "WRAP IT UP".  After Kirk delayed opening the enveloped several times,  he finally announced the winner who was Melissa Leo from The Fighter.

Leo was still shocked even though she was the heavy favorite.  She did a lot of finger shaking and was slightly hysterical.  Especially when she dropped the F bomb.  That's right ladies and gentlemen, she made the mistake of saying Fuck.  Well, that is what the live 'delay' is for so all is forgiven.  If your awkward nipple ring thing would of popped out of that hideous dress, then we would of something to talk about.

Whoops.  I said Fuck.

After a few more awards were given out, Anne came out in a tux with some killer high heels.  She performed a song which was expected because of her debut a few years ago at the Oscars hosted by Hugh Jackman where she revealed to the world just how multi-talented she is.  Bitch.

As she was wrapping up, James came out in drag as Marilyn Monroe.  Some people call it the funniest (well, only funny) thing he did all night.  I still stand by the Tron comment.

'nuff said.

After a woman accepted an award with the sweatiest pits on the planet, my twin came out to present Best Supporting Actor.  Now some of you may laugh.  Reese Witherspoon?  Lauren's twin?  Well listen up bitches because I get told that at least 5-10 times a week at work by guests so HA.  The award went to Christian Bale who gave one of the best acceptance speeches of the night.  

Nice beard Batman.

I want to give two statements.

1.  I finally saw The Fighter and it lived up to the hype.  I literally had no nails or skin left on my fingers after the movie was done.  The acting in it is superb not only by Bale and Leo but also by Wahlberg and Amy Adams who were extraordinary.  It is a wonderful true story of the Lowell boxing Wards.

2.  An actor not too well known in the Oscar community was also nominated for Best Supporting Actor alongside Bale.  He was nominated for Winter's Bone.  Most of you know him from a little television show called Eastbound & Down.  That man is John Hawkes.  What a badass.

After many more awards were given out, a very funny man by the name of Luke Matheny won the Oscar for Best Live Action Short Film.  As he sprinted to the stage, he made the comment that he should of gotten a hair cut and thanked his mom who did craft services for the film.  Funny guy.

 Next was a funny pre-taped video centered around four films (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, The Social Network, Toy Story 3 and Twilight) that were Auto-tuned to create a music video.  I especially liked the Harry Potter one.

Then a very large Oprah Winfrey came out to present Best Documentary.  Ah fuck it, who cares.

Holy boobs.

A surprise guest Billy Crystal came out to introduce a Bob Hope remembrance.  Crystal known for his previous Oscar hosting gigs as well as Hope (well, Hope hosted a whopping 18 times back in the day). 

Best Original Song winner Randy Newman gave a hysterical acceptance speech.  It centered around him being nominated 20 times and only winning twice.  Then the ceremony shifted to the serious as Celine Dion sang Smile while the in memoriam played behind her.  Remembering some amazing filmmakers like Irvin Kershner, Dennis Hopper, Tony Curtis, Leslie Nielson and Jill Clayburgh.  Lena Horne was the last to be immortalized as Halle Berry followed to give her own personal dedication to the woman who ignited African American women's roles in films in the 30s.

Then it was time for the three main awards of the night.  Best Actress, Best Actor and Best Picture.  No surprises here.

Jeff Bridges presented a very pregnant Natalie Portman her first Oscar for Black Swan.  Her speech was sweet and sincere as she got emotional at the end thanking her family.

Sandra Bullock presented Colin Firth his first Oscar for The King's Speech.  Firth's acceptance speech was witty and cute as always.

Steven Spielberg presented Best Picture.  There was an introductory video of all the nominee's that was narrated by the literal King's Speech from the movie.  Could not of been more subtle Academy.

In summation, I think Anne did a good job hosting but was dragged down by James' squinting trying to read the que-cards and zoning out into space mantra.  The Oscar's were mostly predictable this year with no major surprises other than I thought David Fincher was going to take home Best Directing this year for The Social Network (Tom Hooper took it for the ever-dominating The King's Speech).

And on that note, 

"If I am King, where is my power?  Can I declare war?  Form a government?  Levy a tax?  No!  And yet I am the seat of all authority because they think that when I speak, I speak for them."

-King George VI played by Colin Firth in The King's Speech

Chelsea versus Kathy

Who does not love both of these comedians?  Chelsea Handler is a stand-up comedian turned late night talk show host.  Kathy Griffin is a stand-up comedian turned Emmy award winning reality show diva.  Both still active in there stand-up tours (have seen Kathy - would LOVE to see Chelsea).  I have had lots of people tell me that my comedy is similar to Chelsea's.  That I should have a tiny nugget following me around.  

But to be honest, I don't see it.  Every time somebody tells me that I remind them of some comedian whether it be Chelsea, Amy Poehler or Tiny Fey - I first thank them tremendously because let's face it - those are some badass comedians.  However, I don't see it myself.  I feel like these women are on a whole different level that I am - more creative and quick witted.  Maybe I shouldn't sell myself so short.  I aspire one day to be just as successful as these wonderful ladies.  Fingers crossed!

After finishing Handler's My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands and Grffin's memoir Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin, I have laughing pains.  I should preface this by stating that Handler's book is a collection of stories whereas Griffin's is in fact - a memoir.  I have yet to read Handler's Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang because a certain one of my gay's (who is hopefully reading this) has yet to let me borrow the other two!  Here is a quick summary of both and what I think about these two crazy bitches.

Her book was divided into chapters that each described one of her many one night stands.  There is the first difference between us.  Chelsea has 5,000 times more confidence power that I could ever imagine.  She describes walking up to guys and basically asking them for sex.  Some might call that confidence.  Others, prostitution (there was no cash exchange. That I know of.).  I have NEVER done that in my life (including the prostitution).  I cannot even ask for a guys number without throwing up.  Pathetic?  Yes.  It really harbors hard on my whole "live life to the fullest" motto.  That personal motto, and everyone Wang Chung tonight are motto's that I strictly abide by.  In summation, I wish I had a morsel of Chelsea's confidence.  After all, sex makes me nervous.  This comes from years of my mother telling me that I could get pregnant from just being in the same room as a male.

One funny chapter entitled "Desperado" describes Chelsea coming home to find her boyfriend of 3 1/2 years having an Asian threesome.  She talked about how much that effected her, giving her what she so-named "vagina elbow" from excessive masturbating.

One chapter that I really connected with Chelsea was entitled "Shrinky Dink".  Yes.  She had a one night stand with a guy with a near invisible penis.  In her words, "this thing was smaller than my big toe".  

Upon seeing this invisible penis during foreplay, she immediately made some excuse and left the residence.  The difference between her story and mine is that she left.  I DECIDED TO DATE THIS PERSON FOR TWO MONTHS.  Good God it was terrible.  I now have a zero-tiny-penis-policy.  If I ever come about a tiny penis again, I am going to utter no words or movements.  Just immediately run away.  Some people, mainly males, might be offended by this.  Face it.  I have no time for that shit in my life.  Live Life to the Fullest.  With NO tiny dicks.

In Chapter "Don't Believe a Word I Say", she was waiting tables and waited on a guy that she was dating.  Well, waited on him and his girlfriend.  Sounds like something that would happen to me.  However, Chelsea decided it was an opportunity to practice her acting chops.  She pretended to be her 'twin sister'.  She told him that her sister slept around and that he should probably get tested.  Classic.

I was immensely impressed with Kathy's memoir - basically because I learned so much about the her life that I did not know.  She talks more in depth about events she is known for - her awkward moments with Barbara Walters, her marriage and talking shit about fellow celebrities (sorry Brooke Shields).  However, her memoir is much more heartfelt filled with personal stories that are not widely known.

She starts off her memoir with tales of her growing up, stories of her family and how she discovered comedy at a young age.  Kathy had neighbors and her family that she practiced her comedy on.  I find that comedians are either from really large families or are the only child.  Obviously I am not from a large family so I categorize myself in the 'only child' category.  Technically, I am not an only chid (shout out to my sister!) but she is almost 16 years older than me.  So I spent the majority of my childhood by myself.  And literally raising myself (yes, I changed my own diaper) because by that point, my parents had pretty much given up.  In my mother's defense, the OJ Simpson trial WAS really riveting...

The most touching part of Kathy's book is her description of her older brother Kenny.  Like my sister and I, Kenny & Kathy were several years apart.  Not only were they not close but Kathy found out through sources that Kenny was a child molester.  That affected Kathy and her family in various troubling ways.  It was an incredible insight into Kathy's persona to learn of this and how she chose to deal with it.  It was an emotional read and really let you into Kathy's personal woes.

Kathy's book also has 1 up on Chelsea.  Kathy's memoir is FILLED with fucking fantastic photos of Kathy and her life thus far.  Before and after plastic surgery (and including).  

Then there is her move to Los Angeles and all the struggles that she had before making it big.  It describes her first attending a Groundlings show (improv).  She went backstage after the show and asked the funniest person she saw how to get herself to where he currently is.  He was super kind and helpful, something that she has always remembered.  That man was Phil Hartman.

I payed close attention to these chapters.  It is really what I want to do - take improv classes.  If it only weren't for that pesky money issue.  Anyone out there want to finance me?

Her book describes her first work (Seinfeld) and her first big break co-staring in Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields.  Before becoming an uber Kathy fan - I watched Suddenly Susan back in the late 90s.  I enjoyed the show - thought Kathy played the spunky sidekick well but I also loved all the supporting players played by Nestor Carbonell (LOST), Barbara Barrie (Barney Miller), Judd Nelson (any 80s movie) and David Strickland (Forces of Nature).  This chapter also dealt with Strickland's drug ordeal and eventual suicide.  Something terrible - personally witnessing someone's inner battles eventually overcome them.  

She then goes on to describe in great detail (again, pictures) her highs and lows of plastic surgery.  It is hard to understand someone that goes through such a traumatizing event to eventually go back and GET MORE DONE.  I could never understand that.  But I'll let you know how I feel about it in 10 years when my love handles are touching the ground.

Finishing the book is her rise to fame as a reality star combined with finding love and it later falling to pieces.  It was hard to read about her marriage being that I am someone that has zero faith in marriage.  Hopefully Kathy will find someone in the future that appreciates her and won't take advantage of her celebrity.  That is not Steve Wozniak.

In summation, without reading Chelsea's other books, I'm team Kathy on this one.  But again, Kathy's was a MEMOIR so it was not only fucking hilarious - but incredibly emotional and touching as well.  However, Chelsea's was a fucking hoot and I cannot wait to read her other books (ATTENTION MATTHEW).

Yup, Kathy was in Pulp Fiction (she also dated Quentin Tarantino):

"I'm prepared to scour the Earth for that motherfucker.  If Butch goes to Indochina, I want a nigger waiting in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass."

-Marsellus Wallace played by Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction

What the Fuck is that Smell

Why hello LA LA LOVERS.  Yup, thats what I'm officially calling you.  Your like Little Monsters (Lady GaGa followers), Claymates (Clay Aiken followers) or Biebliebers (Justin Bieber followers).  There are only minor differences such as I don't sing professionally.  And I'm not gay.  Or appear to be a 17 year old female lesbian (sorry Bieber, it's the hair).

(*Note: Lesbian.  Not Justin Bieber.)

Things have been trucking along.  Having some doubts lately about my headshots and what I should do to move forward.  Since I no longer physically look like my headshots (hair change), I need to get new ones photographed since I plan on keeping my hair this way for a while.  Apparently, it is a big no-no in the business to have a headshot and not look like it.  I think I'll do them at the end of March before I go to Texas so I will have my hair freshly re-highlighted for Bari's wedding.

On a lighter note, the cleaning houses thing is trucking along.  However, I went to a new house last week that I had many issues with.  Have you ever walked in somewhere new and immediately thought in your head, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?!?"

This house was a fucking zoo.  Not only did they have 2 large dogs (immediate heightened anxiety from my large dog phobia), they had 3 cats (1 of them hairless, almost threw-up looking at it) and several FUCKING BIRDS.

The combined smell of bird shit and cat pee was enough to immediately make anyone start vomiting.  Since I have a very sensitive nose, it was hard to hide my disgust.  And of course, the owners of the house were weirdos as well.

Luckily I had a partner so the cleaning itself wasn't too bad.  I had bathroom duty so I went upstairs to start but the upstairs bathroom was not used very often.  Mainly because the toilet did not work and there was not a shower curtain.  Both bathrooms were sporting pink porcelain (toilets, sinks & bath tubs).  First of all, YUCK.  Note to owners - you are not in a 70s orgy film.

I only spent 5 minutes on that useless bathroom before I headed downstairs to the only used bathroom.  The house was an 'initial clean' which means it had never been cleaned before.  So cleaning a bathroom for the first time means major yuckage.  Lets just say with the hair consistency, you could form a long wig.  And not the kind you want to wear...  Ever.

Also, houses with kids and bathrooms is always fun.  Most of the time, these kids are in potty training.  And when they are boys, it is no fun.  Moms - you know what I'm talking about.  Others, let me put it into words you can understand.  Little boys aim into the toilet - not so good.  Good God is this my life?

The dining room was cluttered to say the least.  The dining room table was filled with three separate houses.  For the cats.  Cat houses.

WHY GOD, WHYYYYYY?????????

The owner made us save the kitchen for last because that is where he locked the dogs up.  Now if you know me, you know of my phobia of large dogs and escalators.  No escalators in this house but 2 very large dogs; one of which was a german shepherd.  It did not actually look like this but to me it did:

All large dogs appear like this to me.  So not only did this place smell like bird shit and cat pee.  Now you can add the shit-in-my-pants to that smell.  Perfect.

After the owner took the dogs, we got to work on the kitchen.  They had enough baby bottles to feed a small Third World country.  And they might of actually been doing that.  I cannot say that for sure.  

You never know with Asians.  They're sneaky.

With the kitchen came more litter boxes.  Ugh, kill me now.  Luckily my years as a cat lady well prepared me for that smell.  The kitchen took some time but I listened to my Bone Thugs-n-Harmony and Sisqo as I scrubbed away.

After two hours, we were finally done.  The house was clean but there is no hope for that smell.  That house is going to have to be burned down.  At least they keep the birds in there cages.  Before my family moved to Austin, our new house was filled with renters.  When my mom went to clean it up (I was off away at camp -luckily), they apparently let there birds fly free throughout the house.  There was bird shit EVERYWHERE.  Especially in the high, hard to reach places.  So things could of been worse I suppose.

"We got no food, no jobs.. our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

-Lloyd Christmas played by Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber

2 Bottles of Champagne Later

As Katy and I were heading home, I threw out the idea of mimosas.  Since I only drink beer because liquor gives me the shake throw-ups and wine gives me an immediate migraine - I love drinking champagne because its a quicker, drunker, more fun Lauren.

So we headed to the Wine Spirits store where I tried to purchase the champagne.  When I tried to figure out the parking situation - Katy was already out of the car in a dead sprint across the street towards the store.  Apparently she won't let me purchase anything today.  I made sure she actually turned my car off before I made my way to the store.  We browsed our options but decided that the 2 in 1 champagne bottle was the best deal.  Because in our case, more is always...  well, more.

We then made our way to Wawa to buy some sort of late lunch and orange juice.  I again tried to purchase my sandwich and OJ.  Not only did she man-handle the OJ away from me, she stole my hoagie so all I had to buy was my chips.  I felt very sassy walking around Wawa in my new hair-do.  I felt like a new person.  So I strutted my ass around that store and I OWNED THAT SHIT SON.

We took our purchases and headed home.  After some quick changing on my part, I made my way downstairs to hear Katy scream and then laugh hysterically.  I screamed "IF YOU DROPPED THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE - I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN."  Apparently the top exploded as it hit the ceiling, leaving a mark.  I call it a 'beauty mark'.  Also some champagne spilled but the important thing is that it did not break.  We made our first batch of mimosas and ate our lunch.  After polishing off the first batch of mimosas - we made our way upstairs to my room to play karaoke.  How do you 'play karaoke' you ask?  It's pretty basic.  If you don't have a karaoke machine or microphone.  You simply youtube lyrics and use your hairbrush (or someone else's) as a microphone.  Katy chose to sing first.  Then I chose Free Your Mind by En Vogue.  Prejudice.  Wrote a song about it.  Like to hear it?  Here it goes.  FREE YOUR MINDDDDDD.

Then I made Katy since Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine.  Which she rocked even though she had never heard the song in her life.  Katy chose so eloquently Bitch by Meredith Brooks for me to sing.  Should be my national anthem.  We closed with a duet of sorts.  I chose It's Your Love by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.  I took the Tim part.

We started to get ready for dinner, 2 bottles of champagne demolished.  I decided that I really wanted to dress up so I pulled out one of my really nice dresses to wear.  We got in the car and made our way to Redstone in Plymouth Meeting.  I had never been there before but Katy & Jonathan had told me nothing but wonderful things about it.  We drunkenly told Jonathan about our day of beautifying and mimosas. Somehow I brought up how my boobs hurt because I got my nipples pierced that morning.  He said "I'm sure" laughing sarcastically.  I'm giggling under my breath as Katy took the reigns on that one.  She loves making up stories for her husband.  So she proceeded to tell him all the details of my nipple piercings.  So 2 bottles of champagne later - my nipples are pierced (sorry to disappoint you Jonathan).

We get to the restaurant and immediately get seated because of our reservation.  We get a table right by the fireplace - perfect!  I decide to take glamour shots by the fireplace.  However, at the same time our neighboring table has the waiter taking pictures of them.  Jonathan begins to make fun of the fact that they are both taking pictures when the old anorexic lady yells "TAKE IT ALREADY!"  What a bitch.  Bitch, I've had a bottle of champagne already.  Don't fuck with us.  It's my birthday.

Yes.  I'm wearing a dress I wore to a wedding with my big gaudy fake diamond earrings.  

Classy?  Always.

How do we feel about the new hair?  Good?  I had a male co-worker at TRH tell me that I "look so much better".  Thanks.  Cause I looked like shit before.

After eating and drinking, Katy told the waiter that it was my birthday in case he didn't know.  He replied that he has been told 4 million times.  Which I don't doubt.  So moments later our dessert comes out with a flaming firework coming out of it:

I was super excited but then got nervous because the firework was not faltering.

Nervous (with a double-chin).

After destroying the dessert, I got up to use the restroom leaving my camera on the table.  Always a big mistake.  Katy decided it was a good opportunity to take ugly pictures of herself and Jonathan.  

They are made for each other.

We get home so Jonathan could get ready for his night security job.  Since Katy and I could not find a driver - I decided to just call it a night.  It was a fabulous day and let's face it.  We're not in college anymore.  The days of going out bar hopping for birthdays are far behind us.  So I watched a little tv and then headed for bed.  My birthday extravaganza consisted of hair changing, mimosas, karaoke, dinner and early to bed.  Jealous? 

I am officially in my late 20s.  Somewhat depressing but I'm trying to be really optimistic about it.  I'm trying to change myself for the better both physically and emotionally.  Hopefully this new look will jump start my career and motivate me to get things done.  Because I'm a sassy red-head with vicious blonde highlights and swoopy bangs.  Boom.

"I want a serious girlfriend.  Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back.  Is that psycho?"

-Jake Ryan played by Michael Schoeffling in Sixteen Candles

It's a Birthday Party

The roommates and I celebrated my birthday last Friday because it was the only time Katy could get off since it was Valentines Weekend.  I was super excited because I asked off from the cleaning houses job so I would actually get to sleep in for once.  However, Katy asked me what time I planned on waking up.  I asked her why and she replied with "just wondering" as her lips quivered.  Oh fuck.  I asked her what she had planned.  She insisted that she had nothing planned and was "just excited to spend the day with me".  I'm sure.

Later she told me that she would be waking me up promptly at 8:15am.  So much for sleeping in...  The day came as I was resting comfortably in my bed.  With no pants on.  I hear a knock on my door as Katy enters with breakfast.  How sweet!  She made me eggs, bacon, fruit with orange juice and coffee.  She even put some of the dusty fake red roses on the plate from the kitchen.  How thoughtful...

She said that we needed to be ready to leave in 20 minutes so I scarfed my food and tried to get ready in a timely manner.  We sprinted out the door and made our way to an unknown destination.  We didn't get too far until Katy asked me if I wanted to know where we were going.  I said I didn't care because I had some ideas...  I figured she was taking me to get a massage (I had shaved my legs the night before in preparation - serious business) or to her server's beauty school to get my hair done.  She told me that we were going to the beauty school and that I was getting my hair cut and highlights.  How exciting!  I really needed a new look - I have had one of the worst weeks ever.  What is it with me and February?  One year my truck got repossessed, cat died, boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with ME (oh, and gave me carnations for my birthday.  Thank you for spending $.75 on me.  Too kind.).  

February.  What a bitch.

Just for the record, he bought me 3 carnations.  Each are $.25.  In case you have not heard of the cheapest, ugliest flower on the planet.

I like to change my appearance after something terrible has happened to me.  Like if I get dumped or something horrendous happens to me.  In this case, I didn't get dumped but shit definitely hit the fan.  So Katy knew exactly what I needed.  A make-over.

I have never been to a beauty school before so I was very interested to see the layout.  And to talk shit about all the students there.  I don't know them but I people watch and judge.  Amber (the lovely lady that works two jobs just to pay for beauty school including Texas Roadhouse) got straight to work on me.  We started with the highlights of course.  

Scared?

During this highlighting session, Amber asked me how much I wanted to cut off.  I told her to cut off whatever she thought would take for my hair to be healthy again.  She at first said two inches.  Then three.  Then was like - fuck, lets do four.  Understandable since I usually get my hair cut every two years...

The atmosphere of the salon was interesting.  Lost of different students there - mostly female but there were a couple males walking around.  One even had a tattoo on his face.  He reminded me of Johnny Depp from Cry-Baby.  Except gayer.

The students had to buy four different wigs that they would put on mannequin heads.  No bodies.  Just heads.  Which makes sense but is just bizarre to look at.  People carrying around just heads everywhere.  Washing there hair, blow drying and styling them.  It was like a beauty school horror movie.  

During this time of resting-in-the-foils, Amber told me that they have to give hand massages.  I laughed until I realized that she was serious.  So she stood there looking lovingly into my eyes while she massaged my hands.  Right.  Then, left.

Poor Amber.  If I find any sense of a potential awkward moment, I therefore like to push it to the max - 5,000 times more awkward.  I like to crank the amp to 11.  I would not let her let go of my hands or stop staring at me.  I apologize Amber.

Amber and I were just talking when all of the sudden a terrible smell came into my nose.  I was like "what in holy hell is that smell?!?"  Amber replied calmly with, "Oh, it's just a perm".  I was shocked and insisted that people did not get perms anymore.  The last person to have a perm was me in 1994.

Well, she was correct.  Holy perm.  I guess it is ok if old ladies get it...

No, it's still not.

We tried to bring our concentration back to the highlights.  Red hair takes forever to dye/highlight.  It's a bitch.  So it took an extra long time.  Amber had to bring out the big guns.

Yup.  That's my hair with a shower cap mushroomed on top of it.  Sexy?

Even in a beauty salon, I'm still getting stared at awkwardly.  Oh well, I'm used to it.  After almost two hours, it was finally time to take the foils out.  We made our way to the sinks so Amber could wash the bleach out and shampoo/tone my hair.  She had to let the tone sit for a couple minutes so she walked off. I took that as an opportunity to catch some Z's.  She came back and called me out on it.  So what, who cares.  I'm tired.

After the hair was washed, it was cut time.  Amber got her scissors out and proceeded to chop my hair off.  She had to crank the chair all the way up to even reach the bottom of my hair.  So I was sitting awkwardly, two feet above everyone in the room.  Surrounded by mannequin heads.  Amber said, "You realize your hair is at your butt right?"  I was like ya, stripper hair.  Time to go.  She chopped it off and then asked if I wanted anything else.  I decided to get crazy and ask her to cut me some swoopy bangs.  I had planned on cutting my own bangs anyway that day so it was better that a professional did it.

I love the finished product and am so thankful for Katy's wonderful birthday present.  Amber did an amazing job!  Now I am ready to be super sassy for the evening's festivities.  Stay tuned for the sloppy action...

"Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair."

-Annelle Dupuy Desoto played by Daryl Hannah in Steal Magnolias