Reason: "Slipped on Pork"

So I had a fun-filled night of work last Friday.  It was Black Friday so I should of known that weird shit would happen to me.  I was closing and we were decently busy for a while.  But we went off of a wait at 7:30pm which is horrible.  YAY TRH.  I was walking by my two 6 tops, making sure everything was ok.  Then all of the sudden, I slip and fall on my ass/back/head.  My left knee (the bad one) went backwards while my other one went straight (think splits but awkward).  Here is a sketch of the aftermath:

As you can see, the fall is quite frightening.  At first, the guests seated to my left (my guests) thought I was doing some form of entertainment (since we line dance at TRH).  However, I quickly reassured them by my pain and confusion that it was no show.  A fellow co-worker said "Are you all right?" and helped me up.  I honestly don't think I could of gotten up without her help.  I got up to find what I slipped on.  It was a tiny piece of our pulled pork.  I was even wearing my non-slip shoes.  Non-slip my ass.  They are no match for pork.

Later that night, ironically the same co-worker who helped me up from my fall, decided to get into a little spat with me.  She had come up to me and told me that she was taking away one of my tables because her boyfriends family was sitting there after I had taken there drink/appetizer orders.  I was confused why they didn't sit in her section but apparently she had no tables available.  I was annoyed because that meant less tables for me.  I said 'fine' and walked off.  I realized that she needed a Sprite and a water so I went to find her.  She was at the host stand talking to a manager.  I told her what she needed and she retorted by telling me that I was taking them because I had given her attitude about it.  I responded by telling her that the attitude was in reference to the host stand taking one of my tables/money away from me and not to her personally.  However, she did not believe me and decided to have a fit instead.  I did not like being talked to in that matter so I got a little ghetto...  My right hand found its way up in the air in epic ghetto fashion.  All I needed was hoop earrings, a doo-rag and corn rolls to match.  The matter got blown up to a excessive and unneeded level because of her tyrant.   I ended up taking the table even though she was talking shit but what was I to do?  They needed a server.  I tried to be the bigger person even though it was soooo hard to do.  I even apologized at the end of the night for her taking my 'attitude' the wrong way.  I hope it ends there but in classic restaurantology, it probably will be dragged out for no reason.  Oh well, maybe I'll hit the streets of Philly to extend my ghetto flavor.  Gotta be more street to wait tables at TRH.

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected."
-Tyler Durden played by Brad Pitt in Fight Club

Another Day, Another Steak

Things at work have been going really well.  For the most part...  I've been making new friends which I am extremely grateful.  I went out for some drinks after work with a few coworkers.  I like to think of it as 'restaurant initiation'.  In the restaurant business, going out with co-workers for the first time is crucial.  This experience will be how they view/treat you inside and outside of work.  However, I never need to worry about the restaurant initiation.  Because I'm badass.

Moving on.  However, it is really hard to not talk about work with you are out with coworkers.  Whether it is swapping stories about horrible guests or overly expressing frustrations about fellow coworkers.   Even though in reality, work should be the LAST thing you should want to talk about since it consumes 90% of your life.  But that's just where the conversation always ends up.  We stroke up a conversation about bartending at TRH and everyone there put in there two cents.  It was just a minor conversation of a night full of many different topics.  This was at least a month ago.

So about a week or so ago, I get approached by a manager who asked me if I told a co-worker two things.  1. That I was going to be a bartender and 2. a current bartender was getting fired.  Um, what?  Got to love the restaurant business.   Lies, bullshit & drama.  What do I do?  Just not talk to coworkers about work anymore?  Since that is an impossibility, I just need to be more careful about what I say in front of certain people.  Certain people who take what you say, turn around and make shit up.  Noted.

I was extremely upset about it because I definitely stay away from drama and I just started there.  That is not the impression that I wanted to make.  Oh well, people are going to think whatever they want to think.  Take it and move on.  As Will Ferrell so eloquently stated in Old School, "Keep on truckin'."

Also in an after-work conversation with fellow coworkers, I had some tell me, "You know who you remind me of?  Maci from 16 and Pregnant."  My response: "Ummm, I look pregnant?"

He assured me that I didn't look pregnant.  He also said that it was my personality that was more resonate of her than my looks.

So I decided to do a little research on Maci.  Maci is a teenager from Chattanooga, Tennessee who got knocked up her sophomore year of high school by her boyfriend Ryan.  She named the kid Bentley.  And I'll name my child Maserati.

She was involved in cheerleading, softball and dirt bikes in high school.  Strike 1.  I don't even know how to hold pom poms properly.  Strike 2.  I have zero aim whatsoever.  Try to hit a target and instead, I'll hit someone behind me.  Strike 3.  Bikes scare me and I yell at strangers on bikes who don't wear helmets.  Not seeing the similarity...

I hate that shit like that happens to me but I believe that this fellow co-worker meant well.  Even though he compared me to a pregnant 16 year old.  I mean, Maci is pretty.  Minus the whole getting knocked up in high school, putting herself on an MTV reality show and now exploiting her family through magazines to make her quick 5 minutes of fame.

"You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods.  You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."
-Juno MacGuff played by Ellen Page in Juno

The #1 Taft Fan Club

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Katy and I made it an early start while Keri and Heather slept in.  We got our morning jolt of coffee and headed to the National Archives Building.  On the way, we saw massive buildings such as the US Capitol, the Old Post Office, US Department of Justice and the US Navy Memorial.

We arrived at the beautiful National Archives building to view the Magna Carta, Articles of Confederation, Declaration of Independence and Constitution.  After the security guard gave me attitude and I returned it with some Lauren sassyness, we were in!  They had a Civil War exhibit that was really neat.  We finally got to the beautiful domed room with marble floors that housed all these historical parchments.  Thankfully, we were there early enough that we beat the lines.  However, we did run into people whom I have now named, 'Ignorant assholes that jump in the middle of the line without knowledge or courtesy to the people around them'.   

After exiting the National Archives (no sightings of Nic Cage), we realized we had some extra time so we decided to check out Ford's Theatre.  On our walk, we passed this great view of the US Capitol.  After taking some pictures of each other, Katy & I realized we wanted a picture of the both of us.  Jumping.  However, there was no one around.  Then an older Vet passed us in the middle of the road.  So we asked him to take our picture since our choices were limited.  Well, that was a mistake.  This is the best the ole Vet could capture:

This is us coming down from one of our jumps.  Katy looks cute while I just look deformed.  He took about three or four and could not seem to ever get it just right.  So after this poor gentlemen left, we decided to take jumping pictures of each other with the following results:

We then made our way to Ford's Theatre.  We were just in time for the 11:30am group which was excellent timing.  The tour first takes you downstairs to the museum part of the building.  It had a lot of historical information about Lincoln, his family, slavery and the Civil War.  I thought this drawing was a bit off-setting:

I think the perspective is a bit off...

This is just me being a jackass.  I'm pretending to be drunk and passed out.  Like Grant was.  All the time.  Get it?  Katy also asked if we should re-enact the actual shooting.  But there were kids around.

This is the theatre itself and the Presidential box where the shooting took place.  Booth jumped from the box onto the stage after shooting Lincoln where he fractured a bone in his leg.  Before exiting the stage, the consummate actor yelled "Sic semper tyrannis!" which is Latin and means "Thus always to tyrants".  What a tool bag.

After our theatre extravaganza, Katy and I headed back to the hotel to meet up with Keri & Heather.  We decided to have lunch before heading to Arlington Cemetery.  

View of the city from Arlington Cemetery

Arlington Cemetery was absolutely beautiful.  We saw JFK & Jackie's gravesite (also there are an infant daughter and a premature infant son that are buried next to them which I did not know about).  RFK and Ed Kennedy's graves are nearby. 

Then we walked to the Custis-Lee Mansion.  George Washington Parke Custis was the original owner of this land.  The estate was passed down to his daughter, Mary Anna, who eventually married Robert E. Lee.  After Lee refused Lincoln's appointment as General of the federal army, Lee hoped that Virginia would secede.  When they did, he later became commander of the Army of Northern Virginia.  While he was away from his estate during war time, the Union used his estate as a burial ground for Union soldiers (what better F you message than to bury soldiers in your backyard).

We then walked to the Tomb of the Unknown Civil War Soldiers, Arlington Memorial Amphitheater and then to the Tomb of the Unknowns where we watched the changing of the guard.

After this we walked by the memorials for the Challenger and Columbia tragedies.  We then made our way across the cemetery to find the man who was heavily involved in our running joke of the weekend.  The man.  The legend.  President William Howard Taft.

Now some people might call this morbid.  Some people might call this inappropriate.  Some horrified.  Well, I just simply view it as a celebration.  Of a man who got stuck in a bath tub.  And had a nice mustache.  Here's to you good sir.

After walking back to the parking lot, we said our goodbyes as we headed our different ways.  It was a drowsy trip back to Philly but we made it back safe and sound.  Harry Potter 2010 delivered.  Especially for us history folk.  It was a great trip with amazing friends that I am very thankful for.  

Sincerely, President of Taft Fan Club

"My dear Mrs. Ryan: It's with the most profound sense of joy that I write to inform you your son, Private James Ryan, is well and, at this very moment, on his way home from European battlefields.  Reports from the from the front indicate James did his duty in combat with great courage and steadfast dedication, even after he was informed of the tragic loss your family has suffered in this great campaign to rid the world of tyranny and oppression.  I take great pleasure in joining the Secretary of War, the men and women of the U.S. Army and the citizens of a grateful nation in wishing you good health and many years of happiness with James at your side.  Nothing, not even the safe return of a beloved son, can compensate you or the thousands of other American families, who have suffered great loss in this tragic war.  I might share with you some words which have sustained me through long, dark nights of peril, loss, and heartache.  And I quote: "I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the alter of freedom." -Abraham Lincoln.  Yours very sincerely and respectfully, George C. Marshall, General, Chief of Staff"

-General George C. Marshall played by Harve Presnell in Saving Private Ryan

Harry Potter 2010

This trip was months in the making and it was a complete success!  One day months ago, my friend Keri & I were catching up, recalling our college days - all nighters, History class & Harry Potter marathons.  I mentioned that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was about to come out in a few months.  Keri and I decided that we wanted to get together and see it!  Keri lives in Lynchburg, Virginia where she attends the Liberty University School of Law.  So I did a little mapquesting and realized that the half way point between Lynchburg and Philly was WASHINGTON D.C.  The last and only time I have been to Washington D.C. was when I was in elementary school.  I have fond memories of the trip but I was a little young.  I picked a date and suggested the idea to Keri.  She was down!  Then I thought about my lovely roommate Katy because we have been reading all the books together.  She was also up for the trip and thought of her friend (now my friend due to some stalking), Heather, who was also reading the HP books herself.  The word got out and we had four people excited about what I officially named, HARRY POTTER 2010.

Saturday, November 20, 2010.  It's twas a sunny day with the high being in the 60s and the low in the 40s. Fahrenheit.

It would take us about three hours to get to D.C. from Philly so I suggested we left at 6am to arrive in the District of Columbia around 9ish.  However, it turned out that I was the only one on that train.  I get downstairs at around 5:50am, ready to go.  I'm running a little late and am hoping that Katy isn't having to wait on me.  However, when I came downstairs there was no movement.  So I texted Katy and told her that I was ready when she was.  So I'm sitting on the couch watching tv when I hear Katy's door open.  She walks down the hall and whispers "Lauren?".  I respond with, "Um, yes?".  I mean, who else would it be but I'm running with it...  She therefore giggles, pauses and says "I'll be ready soon".  I then hear the bathroom door close and the shower starting.  I assume Katy slept in a bit too late...  That was ok with me.  We both did not get much sleep the night before because of work.  Katy gets ready in a speedy 20 minutes and is downstairs apologizing.  It's no big deal as we head out the door to make a pit stop at Wawa (coffee and breakfast hoagies - BOMB) and then on our way to Heather's house to pick her up.  We arrive at Heather's while I wait in the car.  Katy jumps out to get Heather because she hasn't responded to her text messages...  Katy knocks on the door and waits.  And waits.  And waits.  Finally, Heather opens the door in a sleep coma panic.  She goes and grabs a tiny bag and starts to walk out the door in her pajamas.  She finally realizes what she is doing and says, "I'm going to need a few minutes".  Long story short, planned to leave Philly at 6am.  Did not leave until after 7am.  Oh well, we are not on any time restraint!!!  However, I text Keri that we are on our way with no response as well...

We finally arrive in D.C. and to (thanks to Katy's bro-in-law) the W Hotel downtown.  It is located off 15th street NW, within less than 1 block of the White House.  Our room overlooks the United States Department of Treasury building.  The architecture of Washington D.C. is overwhelming.  I'm in heaven.

I text Keri that we are at the hotel.  She calls me and says that she is running a bit late and that she hasn't left yet.  Oh well, guess she's gonna miss out on some sites!  We were able to check into our hotel room which was really nice.  The room was gorgeous and in modern style.  I was able to figure out how to turn the sink on/off at this W unlike the W New York City.

We revamped ourselves and headed out to our Monuments/Memorials tour.  Enjoy the fun facts.  They are all legitimate.  Found them on wikipedia.

Washington Monument

*Marble, granite & sandstone
*World's tallest stone structure & the world's tallest obelisk (555 feet 5 1/8 inches)
*Robert Mills designer
*began 1848, finished 1884
Fun Fact: A difference in shading of the marble, visible approximately 150 feet up, shows where the construction was halted for a number of years.

National World War II Memorial

*Granite pillars, bronze eagles/wreaths

*consists of 58 pillars and a pair of arches surrounding a plaza & fountain

*Plaza is 337 feet, 10 inches long and 240 feet, 2 inches wide.  Contains a pool that is 246 feet, 9 inches by 147 feet, 8 inches.

*initial design by Friedrich St. Florian, Raymond Kaskey created the bronze eagles/wreaths

*started September 2001 and opened to the public in April 2004

Fun Fact: Each pillar is inscribed with the name of one of the 48 U.S. states of 1945 as well as the District of Columbia, the Alaska Territory and Territory of Hawaii, the Commonwealth of the Philippines, Puerto Rico, Guam American Samoa and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

View of the Lincoln Memorial from the WWII Memorial across the Reflecting Pool

Lincoln Memorial

*Marble

*The structure measure 189 feet, 7 inches by 118 feet, 5 inches and it 99 feet tall.  It is surrounded by a peristyle of 36 fluted Doric columns, one for each of the 26 states in the Union at the time of Lincoln's death, and two columns in-antis at the entrance behind the colonnade.

*architect Henry Bacon, sculptor Daniel Chester French, painter Jules Guerin

*started March 1914, dedicated May 1922

Fun Fact: The north and sound side chambers contain carved inscriptions of Lincoln's second inaugural address and his Gettysburg Address.

This fellow on the bottom right (in the jeans and blue/green jacket) found himself walking into a trap.  Katy decides to say loudly: "What monument is this again?"

To which I replied: "I think it's Washington."

This guy hears us, gets angry and yells, "IT'S LINCOLN."

We saw him later with his significant other.  We figured he was babbling on and on about the youth of America being in trouble and how their education was meaningless.  I am sure there was also something said about his tax dollars going to waste.  Oh, how I am overjoyed at making strangers frustrated.

This became the running joke of the trip.  As we would pass strangers, we would loudly say something incredibly wrong just to see if anyone would correct us.  Mostly people just looked at us strangely but sometimes we would get responses.  Most of them angry responses.  Classic.

This picture was in ode to the Honest Abe Geico ad.  I made Katy take a picture of me re-creating Mary Todd Lincoln's "Does this dress make me look fat?" scene.  I thought it was funny.  

Others?  Not so much.

This is our one and only normal picture from the trip.  Heather could not seem to ever get her face pleasant for the whole trip...

I also wanted to open a couple of champagne bottles, an ode to Wedding Crashers, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  Security guards not a fan of this.  They were also not a fan of me recreating Jenny jumping out of the Reflecting Pool from Forrest Gump.  

Security Guards, limiting human interaction for years.

Korean War Veterans Memorial

*Granite; steel

*Walls: 164 feet long, 8 inches thick; more than 2,500 photographic, archival images representing the land, sea and air troops who supported those who fought in the war are sandblasted onto the wall.  Within the walled triangle are 19 stainless steel statues between 7 feet, 3 inches and 7 feet, 6 inches tall; each weighs nearly 1,000 pounds.  To the north of the statues and path is the United Nations Wall.  The circle contains the Pool of Remembrance, a shallow pool 30 feet in diameter lined with black granite and surrounded by a grove of trees with benches.

*designed by Cooper-Lecky Architects; statues designed by Frank Gaylord

*started June 1992, dedicated July 1995

Fun Fact: The statues represent a squad on patrol, drawn from each branch of the armed forces; 14 of the figures are U.S. Army, 3 are Marines, 1 Navy Corpsman and 1 is an Air Force Forward Air Observer.

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

*Gabbro, bronze

*Walls: at the highest tip it is 10 feet, 1 inch high and they taper to a height of 8 inches at their extremities.

*Wall designed by Maya Lin, bronze statue by Frederick Hart, Vietnam's Women's Memorial designed by Gienna Goodacre

*Wall completed in 1982; The Three Soldier's statue was dedicated in 1984; Women's Memorial was dedicated November 1993

Fun Fact: Inscribed on the walls are the names of servicemen who were either confirmed to be KIA or remained classified as MIA when the walls were constructed in 1982. 

We stopped for a little lunch and they served beer.  So naturally Katy & I indulged.  I went to sit down by these trash cans and all of the sudden, this squirrel popped out.  So I named him Mark.

Mark was a sassy little trinket who was chilling in this trash can - eating, scraping, trash diving, and learning our most treasured secrets.  

Then it was off to the Jefferson Memorial.  It was a bit of a walk from the rest of the monuments/memorials but well worth it.  The walk itself was gorgeous - fall leaves and parks along the Potomac River.

Jefferson Memorial

*Marble

*composed of circular marble steps, a portico, a circular colonnade of Ionic order columns and a shallow dome.  The interior has a 19 foot tall, 10,000 pound bronze statue of Jefferson showing him looking out toward the White House.  The interior walls are engraved with passages from Jefferson's writings.

*designed by John Russell Pope; main sculptor Rudulph Evans; Adolph A. Weinman sculpted the pediment relief above the entrance

*construction began in December 1938 and dedicated in April 1943; bronze statue added 1947

Fun Fact: The most prominent engraving in the memorial are the words inscribed in a frieze below the dome: "I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man."  It is taken from a September 23, 1800 letter by Jefferson to Dr. Benjamin Rush wherein he defends the constitutional refusal to recognize a state religion.

This is Heather re-enacting the 'Slippery When Wet' sign.  This was right before we headed into the memorial where we decided to take some glamour shots.  Normal.

We decided to head back to the hotel because Keri had arrived.  However, by this point we were really, really far away from the hotel.  So we decided to taxi it.  We got back to our hotel room where we found Keri drinking a red bull.  It's go time.  After refreshing ourselves, we decided to go up to the top floor of the hotel which housed a bar named the 'Point of View' Bar.  

The bar has this view of the White House (thus, it's name):

We could see the tiny snipper man making his rounds atop the White House.  However, no sightings of Obama.  I'll preface this next statement with this: I love Keri to death and have known her for many years.  Her being a some-what obnoxious, gun-toting Republican, it made me nervous for her being so close to our Democratic President...  She would never do anything.  Or would she?

This nutcracker was in front of a hotel on our way to the White House.  Keri decided it was a good photographic opportunity, so naturally we jumped at the chance.  Katy took a couple of pictures of us and when I went to grab my camera from her, she had this very awkward face.  I asked her what was going on and she told me to check out my pics.  It turns out she was referring to this girl behind Keri who was inside:

Not only was she being a huge creep, the picture does not encompass everything she was doing while plastering herself to the glass.  She was also sticking her tongue in/out like a snake.  

What a bizarre little girl.

We traveled around the White House, viewing the grounds.  It was another opportune moment for our running joke.  Katy asked us if that was the Taft Monument and some girl yelled: "IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE."  Oh how we revel in people's frustrations...

After our White House trip, we headed to Tyson's Corner where we were going to see Harry Potter at the IMAX.  We found an On the Border which had us Texans sucked into its tractor beam.  While we waited for our food, we decided to have an Ugly-off.  Now let me explain.  It is when you take a picture of someone while they are trying to make the ugliest face they can possible muster.  The Ugly-off ended in a tie which I was not happy about.  I take pride in being the Ugliest person on the planet.  Here are a couple shots of some amateurs:

Katy: Katy likes to use props when she is Ugly.  Here she is using her lime for some teeth with her arms in some 'raising the roof' motion.  She also has some wide eyes.  Silly, silly girl.

Keri: This is the best Keri could come up with.  She used here top teeth as an anchor.  She then stuck a tiny bit of her tongue our and also chose wide eyes to finish.  Amateur.

Now to the good stuff: Heather was my only competition.  Katy and Keri could not decide on a winner so I'll let you form your own opinions.  Round 1:

 

Round 2:

 

So what to you think?  Heather?  Or me?  Ugly-off 2010.

So after dinner and drinks, we headed to Tyson's Corner which was a really nice mall in the Washington D.C. area.  We got our tickets and were there pretty early for our 10:50 showing.  We decided to get some more drinks before we waited in line.  We went to TGI Fridays where we sat at the bar.  Heather scoped out the movie theater and decided when we should start waiting in line.  A very nice older black man sat by me at the bar.  The first thing he told me was that I should not be drinking such a big beer because I was too skinny to handle it.  Suffice to say, I fell in love with him at an early stage.  We talked about why we were in Washington D.C. and college football.  When we left, he told me that he enjoyed my loud 'ha, ha' laugh.  I told him that I called it my 'jackass laugh' and that it only comes out unless something is really funny.  If you are gonna laugh, better make it a loud, obnoxious one.  Those always feel better.

Heather & Katy got in line while Keri and I went back downstairs in search for a deck of cards to pass our time.  We found a Barnes & Noble but there only deck of cards was a poker set that was $25.  I settled on a cheaper Uno.  We started playing Uno and chatting about various things.  I kept Keri & Katy up to date on the A&M vs. Nebraska score.  They took this into singing the Aggie War Hymn while we waited in line.  They sang it very loudly while they motioned their arms vigorously in a somewhat running matter:

I was really embarrassed.  But someone so nicely pointed out why I was so embarrassed?  Since I was waiting in line to see Harry Potter.  Touche, touche.  

We asked some nice guy in front of us to take a group picture of us.  However, someone (Heather) cannot take a normal picture.  So we eventually just kicked her out of the picture and we got it captured. Classic.

The line started to move and it was Harry Potter 2010 time!  All three girls entered ahead of me and all of the sudden I hear Heather say, "Oh my, they're running."  I realize that Katy and Keri are gone.  And Heather's starts to run after them.  I put my trust in them and followed, walking.  See, I'm not THAT gay.

I made my way into the theater and looked into the vast group of people.  I finally found them.  Middle row, center seats.  Best seats in the house.  I knew I could trust them.  I make my way to my seat and I comment on the running.  Keri states that she saw Katy knocking over women and children to get into the theater.  I knew I loved her for a reason.  

After some terrible and disappointing previews, it was finally Harry Potter time.  The movie was excellent but left you hanging for more (which was why it was called Part 1).  This was the first Harry Potter movie I have seen where I have read the book BEFORE the movie.  So I had my moments where I wished they had done things differently or concentrated on certain parts of the book more.  However, I was completely satisfied with the movie itself and the performances.  I think all three leads are amazing but something about Emma Watson's performance is heart wrenching.  She is a brilliant, selfless and loving Hermoine Granger.  So props to her and the gang.

After the movie, we made it safely back to the hotel.  It took Keri less than 3 minutes before she was asleep.  Now for a good nights sleep so Katy and I could get up early for some more sight seeing!  Stay tuned for Washington D.C., Part 2!!

"Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out... and then it was nice.  It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou.  There was always a million sparkles on the water... like that mountain lake.  It was so clear, Jenny, it looked like there were two skies one on top of the other.  And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began.  It's so beautiful."

-Forrest Gump played by Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump

Halloween 2010

We all know how excited I get about Halloween (notice the written sarcasm).  I hate everything there is to do with dressing up.  I just cannot seem to get into it.  And when I am actually in costume, I constantly think about how embarrassed I am.  And lets face it, when do I get embarrassed about anything I do or say?  Um, never.   I do not know what it is about costumes that make me feel like that.  And I'm going to be an actor...  Maybe I'll feel different when I'm getting paid for it...

Before I expose my Halloween 2010 get-up, lets go on a journey.  A journey that begins with me discovering Halloween at a young age.  I was around 8 years of age and decided to throw on an old dance costume (kitten) that no longer fit me.  And by 'no longer fit me', I mean that it was a white leotard that was so small that it gave me a severe camel toe and the arm holes no longer reached over my shoulders.  It also had a tail attached.  I then made my dad take me trick or treating which consisted of me walking up and down my street (which only had 4 other houses) while my dad watched from the front lawn until I returned 5 minutes later.   Lets call this journey 'Past Halloween Costumes That I Have Pictures of on my Computer'.  I am not creative.  And here we go:

Year: 2001+

Costume: Bumble Bee

• Makeup: 1 black dot on each cheek.  Cause bumble bee's have that.
• Explanation: This was the best $10 I have ever spent.  The costume was simple.  Wear black shirt and shorts with optional fish-net stockings as under armor.  Then apply actual costume which consisted of a felt tie-on facade that just consisted of yellow and black stripes.  Wings.  Then felt hat with antennas.  This picture is not a testament to what I actually looked like in 2001.  All my pictures from Halloween 2001 are in storage (sorry, no braces pictures for you).  This costume was so simple and easy that I reused it for many Halloweens to come.  This picture is from a 2005 Halloween event I believe.  I put a lot of mileage in this costume and actually looked for it this year's Halloween festivites.  However, I believe I finally threw it away.  I think the antennas fell off...
• Memorable Story: Every Halloween I can remember in Middle School and High School, we always met up at my friend Danielle's house before we went out trick or treating.  This specific Halloween of 2001, my friend Megan and I were bumble bee's together.  We were running from house to house to collect as much candy as we could, pushing children out of our path.  Because that was what you did when you were sophomore's in high school.  But my feet were not quick enough for my body.  And I fell face down on cement.  So after some laughing, my friends dragged me to the nearest house we knew so I could get cleaned up.  My body was scraped head to toe in blood.
• Summation: The bumble bee costume was awesome because it was simple and reusable for many Halloweens.  However, it did not manage to stop me from being a spaz and eating shit on some cement.

Year: 2003

Costume: Fat Bastard

• Makeup: 4 small rectangular pieces of velcro that I glued cotton balls to.  I used a red marker and transformed them from cotton balls to Scottish eyebrows/sideburns.  Or as everyone else referred to them as: Cheetos.  
• Explanation: I ordered this costume right before Halloween and spent oodles on the shipping cost.  It was also like $90 itself anyway.  It was my senior year of high school and I wanted to go out with a bang.  There was also a costume contest with a financial reward.  I was gonna win that shit.  Not only did it have a really cool hat, the rest of the costume was all 1 piece.  Attached with a battery pack inflation device that blew air inside the costume so I would become fat.  The Bastard part came naturally.  
• Memorable Moment: As most of you know, my accents are not the best in the world.  So suffice to say, my Scottish accent sounded like a Southern bag piper with a stick up his ass.  Now imagine me saying, "Get in my BELLY.  I ate a BABYYYYY."  I blame my loss on the accent.  Everyone in the school loved it but when I went into the judge's room, I walked into a room of dead silence.  The three judges were teachers who had no idea who Austin Powers was.  So I lost.  I should of burned the school down then.
• Summation: Funniest. Costume. Ever. But not for teachers in there late 50s.

Year: 2004

Costume: Lucy Ricardo

• Makeup: Bright red lipstick.
• Explanation: This was a blue and white pock-a-dotted dress with white apron that had the 'I Love Lucy' logo on it.  Just in case people were confused.  I also purchased the red curly wig with a white bow in it.    I thought this costume was pretty fitting since Lucille Ball is a comedic icon.  In this day and age, to do comedy without vulgarity is pretty uncommon.  But she did it for decades and laid the brickwork for female comedians to come.  And also, she was a redhead so hollaaaaaa!!!!!
• Memorable Moment: This was my first year in college and Halloween was spent with old high school friends in College Station.  We were at a friend's apartment pre-partying then went to a house party.  After some frivolity, we headed back to the original apartment.  My friend though it would be a good idea to dance on top of his '97 red Mustang.  As he was trying to get off, he fell down the back and broke the back windshield.  With his hand.  Glass was everywhere including the back seat where my wig had been tossed.  FYI: wigs are hot as balls.  I got rid of that shit in a heart beat.  
• Summation: Lucille Ball Female Comedic Icon. Mustang 1. Wig 0.

Year: 2005

Costume: Ghost

• Makeup: Black circles around eyes.
• Explanation: I took a sheet from middle school with pink stripes all over it and cut 2 holes in it for eyes.  Boom.
• Good idea but when you put it into play - there are various problems that arise.  Such as, how to drink?  I simply cut a hole around the mouth and put a straw through it (as seen in this picture if you look hard enough).  And lets just say, having something on your face for long periods of time is extremely claustrophobic.  It reminds you of being strangled and murdered.  Well, how I imagine it to feel like.  
• Memorable Moment: My friend Weatherly twisted her ankle at a frat party we were attending.  So I gallantly threw my 'ghost' sheet off to expose the spaghetti strap top and cheerleading shorts I was wearing underneath.  I drunkenly swept Weatherly off her feet and carried her to the car.  With dozens of drunk girls and frat boys staring at me in wonderment.  Ghost one minute.  The next, running out of a frat party carrying someone wearing hardly nothing with black circles around her eyes.
• Summation: Ghost costume - funny idea, sucks to wear.  And not sexy.  At all.  

Year: 2008

Costume: Slutty Little Red Riding Hood

• Makeup: Slutty eyeliner.
• Explanation: Borrowed this costume from a friend.  This is the first year I've ever gone slutty.  Which is what women are expected to do for Halloween.  Apparently.  Costume with red cape/hood accessorized with black stockings.  
• Memorable Moment: The person I borrowed this costume from was hosting a Halloween party.  I was excited to go to meet new people and show her costume in action.  There was an attractive guy there that I hit it off really well with.  I even got up the nerve to offer my phone number which has NEVER happened in my life and has not happened again since.  He responded with, "I'm married."
• Summation: Slutiness doesn't always pay off.

Year: 2009

Costume: Cat in the Hat

• Makeup: None.
• Explanation: I knew I was going to be able to squeeze out of work early and wanted to go out with my bestie Lizz because Halloween is her personal Christmas.  She works for an online costume store and always has fun outfits.  However, this being a last minute get together - I had nothing.  My sister had rented a costume for work and she was the Cat in the Hat.  Welp, Cat in the Hat it is.  It was a onesie with a red bow at the neckline.  It also came with the large red/white striped hat.  
• Memorable Moment:  Lizz and I were walking home from the bar when some guy passed us and yelled, "Oh look, it's a bitch in hat."  And I responded by laughing as I turned to Lizz and said, "hahahaha that guy called you a bitch."  She was like, "I believe he was referring to you."
• Summation: Onesie's are way too hot and sweaty.

Year: 2010

Costume: Flapper

• Makeup: Silvery eye shadow.
• Explanation: We were told a couple weeks before Halloween that there would be a costume contest on Saturday.  It was basically preached to us like it was mandatory.  Lord knows I hate dressing up especially while waiting tables (in college I was bartending in the bumble bee costume running around frantically because we were unexpectantly really busy.  So all the guests were saying, "Well, she is just as busy as a bee."  I'll kill you.).  This flapper costume was made of polyester and was the itchiest material ever.  I thought I was having an allergic reaction all night.  It also had the feather lining on the bottom of the dress and a little feather/sparkly head band.  I completed the costume with non-slip black shoes, TR name tag and maroon apron.  I accessorized with a pearl necklace, huge diamond earrings and my huge diamond engagement ring.  I get to work and like 3 other people are dressed up.  Apparently, not mandatory at all.
• Memorable Moment: I lost the costume contest to a dude in tights.
• Summation: Everything that is polyester should be burned.

This is one of my managers Jen, she is amazing!!

"My ungodly book speaks to you. On All Hallow's Eve, when the moon is round, a virgin, will summon us from under the ground.  Oh Oh!  We shall be back, and the lies of all the children of Salem will be mine!" 

-Winifred Sanderson played by Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus