I know everyone is DYING to know how I spent my New Years Eve! Well, buckle your seatbelts. Because this story is going to make you think - "can life really get any better?"
Jonathan was still in Texas because his sister got married New Years Eve and Katy was closing the restaurant in Bensalem so she would be spending her New Years working. I also spent the night slaving away at Texas Roadhouse. I closed the restaurant that night but managed to get out of there before midnight.
I zoom home because I want to see the ball drop. However, I had to stop to get Katy and I beer because we wanted to ring in 2011 right. The bar closest to us called Chick Orlando's was closed. Frick. I went to the second closest bar, Jerzee's, and grabbed a 12 pack. In Pennsylvania, they don't sell beer in gas stations. There are beer barns but they close at like 9pm. So if you want a 6 pack or something, you have to go to a bar. It is so bizarre. For last call you can get one more beer and a 6 pack to-go. It is also much more expensive that way. Pennsylvania sneaky bastards.
I got my 12 pack with 5 minutes left to midnight. I crazy drove home and hopped out of my car. I open the door to a smell that cannot be described. Well, let me try. It smelt like shit dipped in a barn full of horse shit mixed with vomit and urine. I literally threw up in my mouth. Dear Jesus, what have my roommates three dogs done in the kitchen? I did not even want to go inside. But it was inevitable.
I walked inside to the smell progressively getting worse. I sat my stuff on the coffee table in the living room and turned on the tv to see the ball drop. Well, at least I can listen to it...
I made my way to the kitchen where the dogs were locked up. Then I see it. Shit and pee by the refrigerator. Happy New Years to me.
I walk in and let the dogs out. Well, Sophia and Calvin went outside. Panda, the puppy, did not. She did this for a few days after we got back from Texas. She would not go outside when she was told. I don't know what was wrong with her but it was straight pissing me off. So I grabbed and drug her outside, forcing her out the fucking door. Asshole.
Then I realized the ball had dropped because of the fireworks I heard outside. The dogs don't like fireworks very much. I realized that on Labor Day when the neighbors set off fireworks and the dogs proceeded to go CRAZY. There is a screen door outside the back door. And the dogs can get through the bottom of the screen door like a 'doggy door'. So Panda likes to place herself between these two things and crawl upwards like a maniac. It is the most psychotic thing I have ever seen in my life. The next time she does it, I'm gonna take a fucking picture just so you can witness how INSANE it looks. As she is crazy crawling between the two doors, she cannot move her head. So one eye is just wide open, looking around in a crazy panic. It's frightening.
So as the dogs are doing this, I'm picking up the poop and putting it in the trash can. I proceed to mop up the urine and poop particles on the floor as I hear people on the tv, celebrating in Times Square kissing each other. They are ringing in their New Year with people that they love. Therefore, that significant other is supposed to be who they spend their year with, right? What does it say about me that I spent my New Years Eve with dog pee and poop? What does that mean for my year?
Ideas? Thoughts?
After the clean up was finished, I let the crazy dogs in but let them roam about the house because I didn't want them in the kitchen while the floor was still wet. They chose to run up and down the stairs searching for there parents. But oh no, the only human in the house was me. And they hate me. So I cracked open a beer and watched some performer sing during the after show. But then I realized that I could still smell a massive amount of shit. So I lit every candle in the house. I would of lit every candle in the nation if Obama would of let me. A vigil for shit.
Katy came home like an hour later and I told her all about it. She thought I was mad but I wasn't. Just not how I imagined spending my New Years Eve. I can't decide which New Years was worse. This one or the one several years ago in College Station when I spent it with two other couples. Yup. Two couples and me. And one of their dog's humped my leg. Good times.
So lets see how 2011 pans out. Probably will be spent single and waiting tables - like every year for the past six years. Or I'll just move to Canada.
I zoom home because I want to see the ball drop. However, I had to stop to get Katy and I beer because we wanted to ring in 2011 right. The bar closest to us called Chick Orlando's was closed. Frick. I went to the second closest bar, Jerzee's, and grabbed a 12 pack. In Pennsylvania, they don't sell beer in gas stations. There are beer barns but they close at like 9pm. So if you want a 6 pack or something, you have to go to a bar. It is so bizarre. For last call you can get one more beer and a 6 pack to-go. It is also much more expensive that way. Pennsylvania sneaky bastards.
I got my 12 pack with 5 minutes left to midnight. I crazy drove home and hopped out of my car. I open the door to a smell that cannot be described. Well, let me try. It smelt like shit dipped in a barn full of horse shit mixed with vomit and urine. I literally threw up in my mouth. Dear Jesus, what have my roommates three dogs done in the kitchen? I did not even want to go inside. But it was inevitable.
I walked inside to the smell progressively getting worse. I sat my stuff on the coffee table in the living room and turned on the tv to see the ball drop. Well, at least I can listen to it...
I made my way to the kitchen where the dogs were locked up. Then I see it. Shit and pee by the refrigerator. Happy New Years to me.
I walk in and let the dogs out. Well, Sophia and Calvin went outside. Panda, the puppy, did not. She did this for a few days after we got back from Texas. She would not go outside when she was told. I don't know what was wrong with her but it was straight pissing me off. So I grabbed and drug her outside, forcing her out the fucking door. Asshole.
Then I realized the ball had dropped because of the fireworks I heard outside. The dogs don't like fireworks very much. I realized that on Labor Day when the neighbors set off fireworks and the dogs proceeded to go CRAZY. There is a screen door outside the back door. And the dogs can get through the bottom of the screen door like a 'doggy door'. So Panda likes to place herself between these two things and crawl upwards like a maniac. It is the most psychotic thing I have ever seen in my life. The next time she does it, I'm gonna take a fucking picture just so you can witness how INSANE it looks. As she is crazy crawling between the two doors, she cannot move her head. So one eye is just wide open, looking around in a crazy panic. It's frightening.
So as the dogs are doing this, I'm picking up the poop and putting it in the trash can. I proceed to mop up the urine and poop particles on the floor as I hear people on the tv, celebrating in Times Square kissing each other. They are ringing in their New Year with people that they love. Therefore, that significant other is supposed to be who they spend their year with, right? What does it say about me that I spent my New Years Eve with dog pee and poop? What does that mean for my year?
Ideas? Thoughts?
After the clean up was finished, I let the crazy dogs in but let them roam about the house because I didn't want them in the kitchen while the floor was still wet. They chose to run up and down the stairs searching for there parents. But oh no, the only human in the house was me. And they hate me. So I cracked open a beer and watched some performer sing during the after show. But then I realized that I could still smell a massive amount of shit. So I lit every candle in the house. I would of lit every candle in the nation if Obama would of let me. A vigil for shit.
Katy came home like an hour later and I told her all about it. She thought I was mad but I wasn't. Just not how I imagined spending my New Years Eve. I can't decide which New Years was worse. This one or the one several years ago in College Station when I spent it with two other couples. Yup. Two couples and me. And one of their dog's humped my leg. Good times.
So lets see how 2011 pans out. Probably will be spent single and waiting tables - like every year for the past six years. Or I'll just move to Canada.
"Resolution #1: Uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things."
-Bridget Jones played by Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones Diary
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