A Cellular Disaster

The worst thing happened to me last Tuesday night.  I left my beloved Blackberry at a restaurant and someone stole it.  You might just say, "Lauren, it is JUST a cell phone."  And to that I respond with a big FUCK YOU.  My Blackberry was my everything.  Contacts, addresses, e-mails, facebook, internet, calender, appointments, pictures, videos and bbm'ing (blackberry messenger).  I'll work out a little equation for you.  My blackberry = my life.  

Tuesday night I met my friend Jen at TRH in Bensalem for drinks and food.  After that we hit up a bar for a couple more drinks.  When Katy got done working out, we met her at a diner in Bensalem for some more food.  I was showing Katy some text messages and left my phone on the table (like I usually do) to constantly check the time (because I'm a huge freak).  I got up to use the restroom and took my purse with me.  However, I left my Blackberry at the table.  When I got back, everyone had got up from the table so I proceeded to follow them to the door.  I had to take Jen back to her car, so I put my purse in the back seat which is something I usually don't do.  I made my way back home to Glenside and did not realize I had left my phone until I had gotten home.  I bombarded a nude Katy in her bedroom for some cellular assistance.  She called the diner and they said that they had not found a cell phone.  She called my cell phone several times but it just kept ringing.  Then all of the sudden, it went straight to voicemail.  I definitely had plenty of battery so I knew someone had taken it and turned it off.  I called AT&T and got my phone disconnected.  Then I panicked because my checking account number was on my phone (like I said, my life was on that phone) so I called Bank of America.  Talked to a dude and he reassured me that they couldn't do anything with my checking account number unless they had the routing number as well.  Whew.  It's a reliever that no one will be able to steal the whopping $50 I have in my life savings right now.

There was nothing left to do so Katy went to bed.  I got ready for bed and spent the majority of the night tossing and turning.  And crying.  Yes, crying over a cell phone.  I'm pathetic.  But let's face it, I don't have a lot going on these days.

I got up the next morning to go visit the diner.  I got there and asked the lady at the front if anyone turned in a cell phone.  She responding with yelling "WHAT?" at me in a foreign accent.  Perfect.  I repeated my statement and she shook her head and looked through a couple nearby drawers.  Great, thanks for the assistance.  I stopped by a nearby AT&T store and asked the salesman for my options.  He told me that I didn't have an upgrade until August so he issued me a new SIM card and told me to go purchase a cheap 'GO' phone.  So I traveled to Wal-Mart where I viewed my three options.  One for $20, one for $50 and one for $100.  Minus the price difference, they all looked like pieces of shit.  So I opted for the $20 one which actually turned out to be $15.  Score.  My new P.O.S. phone reminds me of the old, old cell phones.  It's like the Zach Morris phone.  Only, not quite that big.

My new shitty phone reminds me of my first cell phone.  It got me thinking and reflecting about all my past cell phones throughout the years.  

The winners.  The losers. 

First phone:

Just kidding.  Can you imagine carrying this around?  Where do you even attach it on your belt?

My first phone (really):

I really had this blue cover too.  I told my dad my sophomore year of high school that we should get cell phones.  He said "Ok".  That was pretty much my dads response to anything I ever wanted.  I used to be really spoiled.  Can you believe that?  My mother was not interested in a cell phone so dad and I headed to an AT&T store in Austin.  We decided on Nokia because most of my friends had Nokia.  

Cause I'm a follower.  

I had to have a 101 teaching course with my dad on how to use his cell phone.  Only this course is ongoing (10 years going).  He is too stubborn to learn how to do anything on his own.  To this day, he can barely turn his cell phone on and off.  He can make/receive calls and check his voicemail.  That is it.  However, one up from my mother.  She doesn't know how to check her voicemail.  So her voicemail box has been full since 2003.

My first phone got the job done.  One day I was hanging out in the sophomore hall after lunch.  Yes, my high school had designated halls for sophomores, juniors and seniors.  Designated not by the school.  But by cool people like myself.  I left my phone in the hallway.  When I went back later to retrieve it, it was long gone.  My first cell phone and my Blackberry are the only ones I have ever left/stolen/lost.  I lived without this one.  I'll keep you posted if I continue with live without my Blackberry.

Second phone:

My friend Danielle had this phone, so I had to have it.  Like I said, I'm a follower.  It was really expensive for phones during that time.  But I wanted it so I got it (spoiled, God I miss getting whatever I wanted).  This phone still rocked the black/white background.  It was really small and I liked it.  However, one day it just stopped working.  So on to the next phone.

Third phone:

Again with the Nokia, I was obsessed with them apparently.  This was the first color background I got and was one of the first out of my friends to get it.  I'll do anything to get ahead.

Both sides of the phone were plastic and you could remove them to put your own cover inside it:

You could buy one like these or design one yourself.  I thought it was really cool to design one myself.  I think the first one I made was my name covered in rainbow colors.  It wasn't until later in life when I realized that symbol made me appear to be a huge lesbian.  I guess that is why no guys wanted to date me in high school.  Well, one of the reasons anyway.

After my rainbow Lauren one got water inside it and ruined, I made another cover.  This was around the time when I decided to go to Texas A&M.  So I put maroon stickers on there that said 'Texas A&M' with my graduation year - 2008 - also on there.  I thought I was really cool.

I was.

Kinda.

Fourth phone:

One day my friend Hilary got a new Motorola flip phone.  Well, I wanted that one too.  Flip phones were coming into style and I liked the idea of it.  So I got one.

Every time I flipped the phone open, I felt invincible.  But apparently I flipped it a little too much...

My friend Heather is going to love this picture.  As you can see, my phone is hanging in two pieces.  We were on our Senior Spring Break trip in Port Aransas.  This trip was a nightmare for me.  Not only did my phone break in half, my Tahoe was one of the cars we took down to the coast and it so happened to break down in Port A.  Thank goodness my friend Kyle was able to fix it.  But he didn't have the chops to fix my cell phone.  After a day or so of it hanging by a cord, it finally broke into two pieces. 

 Piece of shit flip phone.

Fifth phone:

After my bad flip phone experience with Motorola, it was back to Nokia.  My dad also got this phone with me (his second phone).  It was another 101 session on teaching him how to use this phone.  So that took a couple years.  

I had this phone for the longest.  I had it my senior year of high school and my first three years of college.  It was a good durable phone and I put it threw a lot.  I had many good times with it.

Sixth phone:

I switched back to Motorola because I fell in love with how skinny this phone was.  It was the perfect back-pocket size.  Most of you might think this was the Motorola Sliver.  In actuality, it was the cheap Sliver version.  I had this phone for a while and began to realize this when I could no longer see the writing on the number pad...

I got a lot of guy's numbers with this phone.  Well, at least two guys that I can remember.

BOOM.

Seventh phone:

iPhone's were coming into existence and the touch screen was the new thing.  I had to get involved in that.  Somehow.  Some way.  So I got this bad boy - the LG VU.  

Biggest.  Piece.  of.  Shit.  Ever.

I would go to hit 'Media Net' and it would choose 'Games'.  Cute.

After a couple years with this phone, I was available for an upgrade.  And I wanted to go big.  I saved up and purchased myself a boyfriend.  No, not a hooker.  But a Blackberry.

Eighth phone:

The Blackberry Curve was amazing.  Blackberry had 86'd the ball and replaced it with with the micropad. It was my very own mini-computer and organizer.  Everything I could possibly have wanted was one touch away.  Perfection.  

See how sexy my Blackberry made me? 

And how ugly it made Bari?

Then hell happened last Tuesday and I was forced into a deep depression.  They don't call it a 'crackberry' for nothing.  I was addicted to it.  This past week I have gone through serious withdrawals.  Shakes.  sweats.  Vomiting.  

Pain.

My forced Ninth phone:

First of all, it looks like a fucking space station.  It takes me 20 minutes to type out a text message.  I never know when it is ringing because I cannot hear it.  It is hideous.  

My new thing at work is to walk through the alley in the kitchen with my phone in the air asking "DOES ANYONE NEED TO MAKE A CALL???!!!!!"

Some people laugh but most of my co-workers just look at me confused.  My friend Matthew told me it reminded him of Romy & Michele's High School Reunion:

"Hey, if anyone needs to make a call, I've got a phone!"

I got a hold of my dad and told him the devastating news.  He was heartbroken for me.  I told him it was the first phone that I have left somewhere since high school.  He proceeded to argue with me that we didn't get our first cell phones in high school.  I kept reassuring him that it was and he kept repeating, "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?"  No, dad.  I'm not 'shitting' you.

After we had that mini-argument, he proceeded to tell me that he thought he should get the FBI involved in the loss of my Blackberry.  Sadly, he was half serious.  I reassured him that the FBI probably have better things to do with there time.

In high school at the condos where my dad and I lived after my parents divorced, my dad walked out early in the morning to find several of our cars vandalized.   The front window shields were bashed in by a sledgehammer.  He came upstairs to wake me up to tell me and then he called the police.  This being a month or so after 9/11, my father insisted that Osama bin Laden was to blame.  He thought that bin Laden was taking out our transportation systems so we would be defenseless in our homes.  I told him that was ridiculous.  However, that did not stop him from telling the police officer his theory.  Several times.

Turns out a neighbors boyfriend got pissed at his girlfriend and decided to take it out on all of our vehicles.  His name was not Osama bin Laden.

My dad is so sweet and really felt for my loss.  I don't think you can say that about many dads.  

I asked around to my fellow Blackberry friends begging to buy there old Blackberry's.  So hopefully I won't have to deal with this Samsung space station much longer.  It looks like a tiny vibrator.

Pray for me and my sanity.

"Life all comes down to a few moments.  This is one of them."

-Bud Fox played by Charlie Sheen in Wall Street

Golden Globes 2011 Fashions

Here are my favorite fashions from the 2011 Golden Globes:

Nominee Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

Nominee Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive

Catherine Zeta Jones in Monique Lhuillier

Golden Globe winner Claire Danes in Calvin Klein Collection

Nominee Emma Stone in Calvin Klein Collection

LOVE the blonde hair!

Presenter Eva Longoria in Zac Posen

Presenter Olivia Wilde in Marchesa

(this did not photograph well - on the screen it was this vibrant purple)

Presenter Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab

"Whatever happened to chivalry?  Does it only exist in 80's movies?  I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window.  I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.  I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me.  I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he know she got me.  Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."

-Olive Penderghast played by Emma Stone in Easy A

Golden Globes 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's that time of year.  Awards Season.  And you know who is always in the front row for it?  Me.  Because I believe actors are my close and personal friends.  I know more about actors and their personal lives than I do my own family's.  Seriously.  I know who is related to who and who has been in what.  I haven't told a lot of people this but I spent a grand majority of my high school years on imdb.com learning all about the classics (30s on).  Clark Gable, William Holden, Marilyn Monroe, etc.  I even went as far to deem my own personal vote on the most beautiful blonde, brunette & red head classic actress of the age.  (In case you're interested - Veronica Lake, Ava Gardner & Maureen O'Hara respectively).   In summation, I'm a loser.

So I think celebrities are my friends?  So what, who cares (in Joy Behar voice).  Some people like to read books.  Some people like to play sports.  I like to stalk celebrities.  Stop being so judgemental.

Everyone hit the red carpet going into the 68th Annual Golden Globes in Los Angeles.  

I watched some of the pre-show on NBC.  Carson Daly was the main host alongside Natalie Morales (Today show) and Alexa Chung (MTV UK's Gonzo).  You can say what you want about Carson Daly but he has done a lot for music and sadly, was the only thing holding the pre-show together.  He is very personable and knows how to fill the empty silences.  Natalie was very gracious about her interviews and actually knew who she was interviewing.  Alexa Chung on the other hand was a dildo.  She kept missing her live ques and never knew when she was on air.  And I think the only person she actually knew when she was interviewing was Justin Bieber.  And slow down the English accent, I cannot understand you.

The highlight of the pre-show was when Alexa was interviewing Jane Lynch on the red carpet.  Jane made the comment of how Angelina had just waved to her and how cool that was.  Alexa said something to her about sleeping with Brad Pitt and Jane responded with, "I have slept with Brad Pitt but have never met him."  Classic.  Mainly because Jane is one of the funniest people on the planet.  Oh, and she is a huge lesbian.  

I also was in awe of the Alexa/Robert Pattinson pre-show interview.  It finally donged on me why he and Kristin Stewart are together.  Because he is JUST as awkward as she is.  Together they make an awkward terrible actors couple.

Ricky Gervais was the host again this year.  The Golden Globes are known for not having a host.  It is known as being one of the laid back award shows (because there is food and alcohol).  It also is one of only major award shows to combine both Film and Television awards.  As always, Ricky is hysterical.  Definitely knows how to make a room full of major stars supremely awkward.  However, I don't think the Globes needs a host.  I think Ricky should give hosting a shot at the Emmy's or Oscars.  I guess he hasn't since he isn't allowed to drink on those award shows...

Ricky came out with beer in hand to deliver his opening monologue.  He opened with bashing Charlie Sheen.  Funny.  Slowly making the crowd uncomfortable.  I'm in.  He then moves onto slamming The Tourist which was super awkward since it was nominated for Best Comedy/Musical and Depp/Jolie were both nominated as actors for it.  The crowd wasn't a huge fan of it.  Cut to Depp as he slowly chews his gum in death stare mode.  Gervais then moved onto bashing Sex and the City 2.  Justified.  Then he stated why the Globes had not recognized Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor's film I Love You Phillip Morris because it was about two heterosexual actors playing homosexual characters.  Just like some Scientologists in Hollywood.  In case you are confused, that was a direct slam against Tom Cruise.  Cruise is 'rumored' to be bisexual.  In other words, he sleeps with dudes.  Gervais reaffirmed the audience to not be awkward because said scientologists were not in attendance this year.  

He then went on to some Hugh Hefner joke.  This coincided with him re-enacting Hefner's new fiance touching Hefner's penis.  And throwing up.  Funny.

He summed up with a LOST joke that bombed and on to introducing the night's first presenter, Scarlett Johansson.  He called her beautiful and surprisingly Jewish.  Well, he said that Mel Gibson told him that she was Jewish.  And on to say that Mel just won't give up.  Knew Gervais had to get Mel in there some how.

Scarlett presented Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.  The nominee's were Christian Bale (The Fighter), Michael Douglas (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps), Andrew Garfield (The Social Network), Jeremy Renner (The Town) and Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech).  The Globe went to Bale who I think is the front runner for a Supporting Actor Academy Award.  Bale is such an incredible actor both physically and emotionally.  Some of his favorites of mine are Little Women, American Psycho and of course, his take on Bruce Wayne.  He at first dissed the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) but then somewhat started to suck-up to them.  He also did a last minute shout out to Robert De Niro which was bleeped out.  Wonder what he said...

Next up were presenters LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles) and Julie Bowen (Modern Family) to give out the award for Best Actress in a Television Series.  The nominee's were Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife), Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men), Piper Perabo (Covert Affairs), Katey Sagal (Sons of Anarchy) and Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer).   This category is usually a toss up between Margulies and Sedgwick.  I was not rooting for anyone in this category because sadly, I do not watch any of these shows!  The Globe went to Katey Sagal.  Most of you will remember her as the hilarious mom on Married with Children.  She looks amazing for her age (57) and rocked the bright orange color.

After the break, nominee's of the night Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey came out to present Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  Before they announced the winner, they introduced Miss Golden Globe of the evening.  Each year, the Golden Globes announce a Mr. or Miss Golden Globe who gives the actual awards to the presenters.  They are always a daughter or son of an actor.  Past Mr./Miss Golden Globe include Melanie Griffith, Laura Dern, Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Rumer Willis.  This year was the daughter of Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds, The Godfather: Part III), aspiring actress Gia Mantegna.

The nominee's for Best Mini-Series/Motion Picture Made for Television were Carlos, The Pacific, Pillars of the Earth, Temple Grandin and You Don't Know Jack.  I thought it would be between Grandin and Jack.  However, Carlos took home the Globe.  The producer accepted and he was foreign.  No idea what the fuck he said.

Gervais went on to introduce Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher's dad.  Man, I bet Willis gets tired of hearing that.  When announcing presenters, Gervais occasionally would highlight their careers.  And by highlight, I mean mention terrible movies that they have been in.  Willis came out to announce one of the movies up for Best Comedy or Musical, Red.  

Country Strong stars Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester were the next to present Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Scott Caan (Hawaii Five-O - are you serious?), Chris Colfer (Glee), Chris Noth (The Good Wife), Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family) and David Strathairn (Temple Grandin).  I thought this was a toss up between Strathairn and Stonestreet.  However, the Globe went to a deserving Colfer for his role as Kurt on Glee.  If you watch Glee, then you'd understand.  Colfer is the sweetest, funniest, most emotional gay kid on the planet.  He was shocked and emotional as he made his way up to accept his Globe.  He thanked his fellow cast members and crew so thoughtfully.  He also made a shout-out about bullying which was sweet.  Way to represent Colfer.

Michelle Pfeiffer made an appearance to introduce Alice in Wonderland which was up for Best Comedy/Musical.  It mainly just pissed me off because of how hott she is still at 52.  And I have an extreme muffin top at 25.  Soon to be 26, frick.

Gervais then came out to introduce Eva Longoria as she had the daunting task of introducing the President of the HFPA Phillip Blake.  Gervais made a harmless joke of how he just had to help drag Blake off the toilet and help him put his teeth in.  Longoria appeared looking ravishing (well, she tripped) as she introduced the old, boring Blake.  Blake came back at Gervais stating that the next time he wanted one of his movies qualified - he better go somewhere else.  Ouch.  Blake continued with his boring speech.  I mainly just listened to his horrible voice that was draining for another cigarette.  

Next presenters were Kevin Bacon and Milla Jovovich who announced Best Actor in a Television Series - Drama.  The nominee's were Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire), Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad), Michael C. Hall (Dexter), Jon Hamm (Mad Men) and Hugh Laurie (House).  Now the only show I watch out of all of these is Boardwalk Empire so I was rooting for Buscemi because I adore him on the show.  It is quite a jump from his cameo's in all Adam Sandler movies to his dramatic role as Nucky Thompson.   And BOOM, the winner is Buscemi!!!  He was very humble in his acceptance speech ending with how his 4 year old nephew called him and left him a voicemail that said "wish me luck".  As awwwws came over the crowd.  For more great Buscemi dramatic work see The Messenger, Big Fish and Ghost World.  Good work Mr. Pink, next stop Emmy.

Bacon & Jovovich stay to present another Globe for Best Television Series - Drama.  The nominee's were Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, The Good Wife, Mad Men and The Walking Dead (never heard of it). And the Globe goes to - Boardwalk Empire!  Creator/Executive Producer/Writer Terrance Winter accepts the award.  He makes a shout-out to Brooklyn where he is from stating "I cannot believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."

(yes, not only does Martin Scorsese executive produces this show - Mark Wahlberg executive produces it as well.  Good shit.)

Up next was Andrew Garfield who was to introduce the next movie up for Best Drama - The Social Network.  Garfield acts beautifully in the movie and I suspect will get a Supporting Actor Academy Award nod as well.  Even though he stuttered and fucked up his introduction, he pulled himself together to finish it.  Garfield - get your shit together.  You won't be able to handle all the Spiderman junkets if you are a stuttering bitch (yes, he is the new Spiderman - that 86ed Tobey Maguire - going for a younger look - ouch).  

Gervais comes out to introduce the next presenters - Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez.  He said that she is also known as Jenny from the block except the block is between Cartier and Prada.  Shit's funny.

They presented Best Original Song from a Motion Picture.  I call this category the 'I don't give a fuck' category.  A song from Burlesque won.  Let's move on.

Baldwin & J Lo also presented Best Original Score from a Motion Picture.  It was a toss up between The Social Network and Inception but The Social Network took the Globe.

After the break, Justin Bieber and True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld came out, hand-in-hand, to present Best Animated Feature Film.  Yup, Justin Bieber.  The award went to Toy Story 3.  The winner of the award jokingly asked if Bieber and Steinfeld had even been born when the original Toy Story came out.

Bieber was almost 1.  Steinfeld hadn't been born.  I looked it up.

Gervais went out to announce the next presenter Robert Downey, Jr.  He began by listing his past terrible movies and then went on to say that he is most famous for being seen in the Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail.  Funny.  Cause it's true.  No matter how good you are Downey, you'll never live that shit down.

Downey, Jr. came out with a smirk on his face to announce Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy/Musical.  He asked the crowd how they thought it was going.  Gives a jab at Gervais being "mean-spirited" and then proceeds to be the funniest presenter of the night.  He makes comments on how he has slept with all the nominee's in the past while working with them - Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right), Anne Hathaway (Love and Other Drugs), Angelina Jolie (The Tourist) and Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right).  He then asks to not make it awkward and where Emma Stone (Easy A) was. Emma awkwardly raised her hand (since she is just 22), joining in on the fun.  Downey said if he could, he would give the 'Globe' to all 5 of them.  All at once.  On that stage.  In front of the crowd.  In front of the millions watching.  And in front of his wife (cut to his wife whose facial expression said - 'my husband is an idiot').  Annette Bening won which was well deserved since she got a standing ovation by most of the crowd.  I did see The Kids Are All Right and we will see both Bening and Moore at the Academy Awards.  However, I will say this.  Emma Stone was nominated for a reason.  If you haven't seen Easy A, GO rent it now.  It is a fun, quick witted comedy twist on The Scarlet Letter.  Of course we won't see Stone get a nod at the Academy Awards but her performance shows her vast comedy chops all the same.  We will also see her as the Kirsten Dunst replacement as Garfield's leading lady in the untitled new Spiderman project.  

Also, for Annette Bening see some of my favs like Regarding Henry, The American President, The Siege and American Beauty.  

Sylvester Stallone came out to announce the Best Motion Picture - Drama contender The Fighter.  He delivered his speech in true Stallone form.  

Next Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton came out to present Best Actor in a Television Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Idris Elba (Luther), Ian McShane (Pillars of the Earth), Al Pacino (You Don't Know Jack), Dennis Quaid (The Special Relationship) and Edgar Ramirez (Carlos).  To be honest, the only one I had even heard of was You Don't Know Jack.  And I can proudly say, that I have actually watched it.  And of course, you cannot NOT give an award to Al Pacino.  So he won and went to grab his Globe to a standing ovation.  Gotta give The Godfather props.  

Rush & Swinton stayed to present Best Actress in a Television Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Hayley Atwell (Pillars of the Earth), Claire Danes (Temple Grandin), Judi Dench (Return to Cranford), Romola Garai (Emma) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Client List).  Yes, you heard correctly.  Jennifer Love Hewitt was nominated for a Golden Globe.  Don't panic!  It is not the apocalypse.  The HFPA just got drunk.  The winner of course went to the sublime Claire Danes. As she got up to make her way to the stage, she was attacked from behind by the real Temple Grandin. Who is the cutest thing on the planet.  Danes made it to the stage in one piece in her hot pink stick figure self.  She made a very emotional, sweet speech.

After the break, Zac Efron came out to dramatically announce the next film up for Best Comedy/Musical - The Kids Are All Right.

Gervais comes out to announce the next presenters Tina Fey and Steve Carell.  He says one if one of the funniest people in America while the other is an ungrateful man leaving a 'cash-cow' hit television show.  The banter between Carell and Gervais is always hysterical.  

Fey & Carell were presenting Best Screenplay for a Motion Picture.  The winner was The Social Network's Aaron Sorkin (you might remember him better for his writing on The West Wing in which he was mostly wrote in a shroom-filled trip).  

The next presenters were the awkward Chris Hemsworth (upcoming Thor movie) and Chris Evans (Fantastic 4) who acted like they had better places to be.  They were presenting Best Actress in a Supporting Role for a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Hope Davis (The Special Relationship), Jane Lynch (Glee), Kelly MacDonald (Boardwalk Empire), Julia Stiles (Dexter) and Sofia Vergara (Modern Family).  Even though I was secretly rooting for MacDonald because I think she is an amazing actress (see Gosford Park for confirmation - one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time), I of course wanted my girl Jane Lynch to win.  She one of my favorite improvisational actresses.  I want to be her.  And she added a Golden Globe to her Emmy as she took the win.  

And that's how Sue - C's it.

Gervais then came out to announce the next category that 'no one cares about'.  So true.  Best Foreign Lang....  Fuck it, I don't care.

After Robert Pattinson awkwardly walked off, Helen Mirren came out to announce the next film up for Best Drama - The King's Speech.  Fitting since she's The Queen.

Next presenters Vanessa Williams and Blair Underwood came out to announce Best Actress in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical.  The nominee's were Toni Collette (United States of Tara), Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie), Tina Fey (30 Rock), Laura Linney (The Big C) and Lea Michele (Glee).  The Globe went to an amazing actress Laura Linney who was not present at the Globes.  Some favorite Linney projects are Primal Fear, The Life of David Gale, Mystic River and Love Actually.  

After a commercial break, someone came out to announce the next film up for Best Film - Comedy or Musical.  This person has not been at the Globes in 25 years.  The never-changing Jane Fonda hit the stage to announce...Burlesque.  Really?  That brings you out of the woodwork?  Yuck.

Some random dude and Kaley Cuoco with her terrible hair extensions came out to present Best Actor in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical.  The nominee's were Alec Baldwin (30 Rock), Steve Carell (The Office), Thomas Jane (Hung), Matthew Morrison (Glee) and Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory). Cuoco opened the envelope to yell outside the microphone the winner.  I was so confused I thought she said Matthew Morrison but realized she was so hysterical because the winner was her co-star - Jim Parsons.  What an awkward guy.  I don't think he has to act much on the show.

Jeremy Irons then came out to present Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.  The nominee's were Amy Adams (The Fighter), Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech), Mila Kunis (Black Swan), Melissa Leo (The Fighter) and Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom - what?).  The Globe went to Melissa Leo who accepted it very enthusiastically.  Leo has been working since the 80s but I am excited to see what the future holds for her.

After the break, Matt Damon came out to introduce the Cecil B. Demille award that was being given that year to Robert De Niro.  Damon playfully joked that he hadn't even heard of De Niro before until 5 years ago when he was asked to be in The Good Shepherd (De Niro directed - long movie but excellent).  He said he asked a few people and they thought that De Niro was one of the greatest actors of all time.  Damon named some of his great movies: The Godfather: Part II (in which Damon did a Fredo impression), Goodfellas (Damon did a Joe Pesci quote) and Taxi Driver (in which Damon stated that De Niro played a 13 year old blonde prostitute).  Damon introduced the movie clips depicting all De Niro's great works and then he told De Niro to come up and accept his award.  De Niro received a very long and well deserved standing ovation.  He definitely did not tell the crowd to sit down for a few minutes - basking in the glory.  De Niro retorted to Damon that he liked Damon in The Fighter.  Touche.

De Niro went with his prepared speech that was clearly written for him by some writer with a comedic history.  The speech was mostly funny but some of his jokes failed to make the mark.

After the break, Megan Fox came out in her pink sparkley dress to announce another film up for Best Comedy/Musical - The Tourist.

Annette Bening then came out to present Best Director in a Motion Picture.  The winner was David Fincher for The Social Network.  

Jimmy Fallon and January Jones accompanied each other to present Best Comedy or Musical Comedy Series.  The nominee's were 30 Rock, The Big Bang Theory, The Big C, Glee, Modern Family and Nurse Jackie.  The Globe went to Glee as all those skinny 'teenagers' hit the stage. The creator/producer Ryan Murphy accepts the award as he and another acceptor thank all the teachers in public schools.

Alicia Keys, post-baby, came out to announce the next film up for Best Motion Picture - Drama, Black Swan.

Halle Berry came out to present Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.  She was wearing the most god-awful dress ever.  We get it.  You're sexy.

The nominee's were Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland and The Tourist), Paul Giamatti (Barney's Version), Jake Gyllenhaal (Love and Other Drugs) and Kevin Spacey (Casino Jack).  The Globe went to Paul Giamatti whose speech was mostly bleeped out because of all the cursing.  Poor guy, hope he doesn't get fined.  He said he was really jacked up because he ate 5 boxes of Godiva chocolates at the table.  He said he is in Barney's Version with a 'trifecta of hotties' and ends his speech with a shout-out to Canada.  Classic.  See Sideways, Cinderella Man and John Adams for more great Giamattiness.  

It's a word.

The awesome Joseph Gordon-Levitt came out to announce Inception for Best Motion Picture - Drama.

Then Jeff Bridges came out to announce Best Actress in Motion Picture - Drama.  The nominee's were Halle Berry (Frankie and Alice, also she's sexy), Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole), Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone), Natalie Portman (Black Swan) and Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine).  The Globe went to the Academy Award shoe-in Natalie Portman.  Her performance in Black Swan in riveting.  Not only his her emotionality in the film incredible, he physical body change is frightening.  Natalie Portman is already tiny.  Imagine her 70-80 pounds with her muscles protruding from every angle especially her back.  Being a ballerina is tough.  Her speech was cute as she gave a shout-out to her baby daddy (now fiance) who makes a comment in the film (he plays a fellow dancer and also choreographed the film) that he doesn't want to sleep with her.  She made a comment on how he totally wants to sleep with her now.  She also made sweet sentiments to her parents.  See my girl in Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars but also in The Professional, Anywhere But Here, Where the Heart Is and Closer.

Gervais then announces the next presenters Tom Hanks list of amazing films and Tim Allen's non-list of work.  Hanks and Allen present Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.  The nominee's are Alice in Wonderland, Burlesque, The Kids Are All Right, Red and The Tourist.  The contenders this year were kinda sad.  The only films I have actually seen in this category are Alice in Wonderland (I liked it but nodded off at times) and The Kids Are All Right (riveting family movie - definite Academy Award Best Picture contender).  And the Globe went to - The Kids Are All Right.

After the break, Gervais came out to announce the next presenter Sandra Bullock.  He called her a national treasure, miss congeniality but said that she told him backstage that "poor people are gross and they smell bad."  True, they are and they do.  Wait, I'm poor.  But I don't smell.  MOST DAYS.

Sandra Bullock presented Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama.  The nominee's were Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network), Colin Firth (The King's Speech), James Frano (127 Hours), Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine) and Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter).  I loved Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg and think Mark Wahlberg's performance will garner attention.  However, the Globe went to the Oscar favorite - a deserving Colin Firth for his portrayal as the stuttering George VI (the current Queen of England's father).  I absolutely love Colin Firth and his acceptance speech was full of funny quips - he called Geoffrey Rush his "geisha girl".  See more great Colin Firth comedy bits in the Bridget Jones movies and Love Actually and his dramatic work in Pride and Predjudice, The English Patient and A Single Man.  

After the commercial break, Michael Douglas came out to a standing ovation to present Best Motion Picture - Drama.  Douglas just overcame throat cancer which is tremendous.  He is one of the best dramatic and comedic actors out there but is also amazing behind the camera.  The nominee's were Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The King's Speech and The Social Network.  All of these will be get Best Picture nods at the Academy Awards.  I have seen Black Swan and it was a good psychiatric thriller with an amazing performance by Portman.  Inception was incredible and mind-blowing.  We'll see if Leo can garner another Academy Award nod since the Academy loves nominating him.  They just  never actually give him the award.  The King's Speech had amazing art direction and costume design with stellar acting as well.  I love English monarch history.  This was a not widely known story of the monarchy during World War II.  The Social Network had amazing acting and a nail-biting story that is just BASED on a real one.  Justin Timberlake's performance was a bit overshadowed I think because there are more amazing performances in it by Eisenberg and Garfield.  I have not seen The Fighter yet but hopefully will see it this Tuesday so I'll keep you updated on my thoughts.  And the Globe goes to - THE SOCIAL NETWORK!  Amazing movie!  We'll see you at the Oscars!

Gervais came out to close the show.  He thanked the crowd for being "good sports".  He also closed with thanking "God for making me an Athiest".  Nicely said Kathy Griffin.

I did not spend long thinking out of all these amazing movies - what shall my movie quote be from?!?  Easy, lets give a high-fiving shout-out to Cecil B. Demille winner Robert De Niro:

"I make him an offer he don' refuse.  Don' worry."

-Vito Corleone played by Robert De Niro in The Godfather: Part II