Saturday, December 18th
Things were packed, weather was good, work was finished. It's TEXAS TIME BABYYYY!!! The day had finally come and by day, I mean 4am when my roommate Katy took me to the airport to make my 6am flight. She is an amazing roommate to say the least. We get to the airport and the line at Delta is somewhat long. I'm waiting in line for about 10 minutes when a lady came by and asked me if I had payed for my checked luggage yet. I replied no because I thought that was the line I'm in. Turns out you have to check yourself in and pay for your checked luggage. Then wait in another line to get your boarding passes and turn in your checked luggage. Um, what?
So I pay for my luggage and get back in the original line as she announces if anyone is on the 6am Memphis flight. I raise my hand as she motions me to move to the front of the line. Great. I'm at the airport for 20 minutes and I'm already that jackass that is not going to make their flight and has to cut everybody. I did one of these shouts "Sorry, I don't fly a lot" as I got my boarding pass, checked my luggage and walked to security. Security was a breeze the whole trip for me. Granted I'm not wearing a turban or look like I'm packing serious heat. So I was happy taking off my boots, jacket and underwear (don't ask questions, TSA regulations).
I arrived at my gate with time to spare. Boarding commenced shortly as I was in Zone 3 which means the back-ass part of the plane. Turns out I was correct as I boarded the plane and found my seat in the very back row next to a lady in her 40s. So this means when this plane crashes, I'll be separated from the front of the plane and land on a different part of the island. I'll rediscover the front of the plane weeks later but they will think we are a group of natives to the island known as "the others". Wait, that's the plot of Lost Season 2.
As we were waiting for take off, I started to get one of my infamous hot flashes. And a slight bit of panic on the side. The flight attendant (PC term) came by and made a comment of how extremely hot is was in the tail-end of the plane. Everyone else agreed - thank goodness I wasn't the only one! She also informed us that the flight wasn't full and there were open seats at the front where it was cooler. The lady next to me made a bolt for it. I was going to go too but I'd rather have no one sitting next to me so I could spread eagle my legs if I wanted to. Or do flips.
I'll say one thing for Delta, they gave me a complimentary drink and snack for all four flights I was on. I don't think you could say that for other flight companies. Especially a flight that is only a couple hours long. So Delta gets a plus 1 in my book.
The flight took off and I took turns trying to nap on Bari's pillow that I was carrying or reading The Duchess by Amanda Foreman. The flight went relatively quickly as I landed in the tiny airport that is Memphis around 8am. I made it across the one terminal to my other flight to DFW. Everything was on time, good to go! Made it to DFW safe and sound as I made my way to baggage claim. Bag has arrived - whew! That is my worst fear - losing my luggage. Called my sister and she was just arriving! Perfect timing. Got to see my sister and niece who has grown so much since I last saw her. And she was a snotfest. But at least she has a little more hair...
We made our way to Fort Worth to see my mother and grandmother. They asked me what I wanted to eat and I responded with: "Mexican. Duh." So we went to the closest place to her house which is On the Border. Do we have those in Pennsylvania? Yes. Oh well...
I get a call from Katy who says they're flight got canceled and they were stuck in Dallas for the night. Dallas??!! Well, Bari's bachelorette party is going to be in Dallas tonight! Perfect! Time for a surprise of epic proportions! We conspired and conspired our secret surprise. It took everything out of me to not say anything to Kellen. Especially with her threatening our friendship. She's scary.
So we made our way back to my moms house so I could make my vehicle change. My grandmother let me use her car while I was in Texas because she hasn't been using it lately. Since she's 99. She doesn't cruise a lot anymore. I feel like I shouldn't even describe the car, a picture alone should explain it:
How am I gonna attract a guy in this thing? Not only is it covered in AAA insignia, notice the Jesus fish in the back. I don't think the radio has ever been turned on except by me. I turned it on and found it had a volume fluctuation problem. One minute it's silent, the next its BLARING. Oh Buick Century, you silly bitch. At least I have my grandmother's handicapped sign. In case of an emergency.
Made my way to my sisters through DFW traffic (which I have not missed) where Kellen picked me up so I didn't have to pay for parking at the hotel. We did a running embrace, one of our classics. It was so amazing to see my old college roomie.
After a Sonic stop, we made our way to our hotel off of Harry Hines (where the hookers are, I'm at home). We got to our room where I found a note on the door for me from Bari. It was a sketch of myself taking a Lemon Drop shot as I slowly throw it up. Let the Bachelorette Night begin.
I walked into the room to find Bari sitting right by the door underneath a bedspread. What a creep. I gave her a big bear hug and then finally met their friend Kristi. It was nice to finally meet a face to all the stories I have heard of her and her babies! I immediately popped the champagne and got the party started. I jumped in the shower to gear up for the night, champagne in tow. Ever have a champagne shower? Not quite as good as a beer shower but does the job all the same.
We spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready for the night. Bari wanted it to be a sequin themed night filled with her favorite - gaudy jewelry. I came prepared with a couple different sequin options. I put on my first outfit and was one of the first dressed. My top was a sequined tiger. Meoowwwwwww. But then for shits and giggles I tried on my second top which Kellen told me was much cuter. Even though it matched hers but NOT TECHNICALLY THE SAME! We're twins.
We all got ready and walked down to meet our cab to take us to the restaurant called Iron Cactus. It was a Mexican Grill & Bar and was off of Main Street downtown Dallas. The downtown area was really cute with Christmas lights. We got to the restaurant early and they told us to wait at the bar for our table to be ready.
Here is the MOH Kellen and the Bride-to-be Bari
They all ordered there girly drinks as I ordered my usual beer. Kristi had brought her video camera which meant bad news.
Roomies 4 eva
Our dinner was great but we all got super full. The girls made a rule to not talk to there significant others the whole night - especially the bride-to-be. Well that won't be hard for me since I'm dying alone.
Here is her last chance talk with Chad.
After dinner, we made our way down the street to a bar called Penguin. Perfect. We got our drinks and hung out towards the back of the bar. Kellen and I immediately notice the beer pong table. It was on. All of our beer pong games from college flashed back to us. Kellen and I ARE the best beer pong players on the planet. We end each score with a chest bump. I was secretly texting Katy and her flight had finally arrived in DFW. I told her where we were and she said she was going to meet up with us. However, the airline lost her luggage (my biggest fear) and she was stuck in tights, a sweatshirt and no makeup. I told her it didn't matter and to get her ass to Penguin. We made friends with a group of older cholo's in the bar. A couple of them challenged us to beer pong but had never played before. So Kellen and I talked them through it. And subsequently kicked there ass. All of the sudden I look over and hear Bari yelping. I told Kellen to go over there, that the surprise had arrived!
Hugs, Kisses & Bawling Bitches
The cholo's bought a few of us a round of shots. First a cholo bought Bari a shot called Penguin pee. Which she said wasn't bad. Then they bought her Penguin poo. Which she said was terrible. Interesting.
Our Aggie pose with honorary Aggie Kristi
We decided to let the bar hopping begin. As we left, Kristi thought it would be a good idea to video tape us walking down the stairs to the bar exit. Katy volunteered to video us. Bari & Kellen were in front and Kristi & I were in the back. Let me preface this moment with this. I was sick for over a week with the flu before I came to Texas. And at this moment, I still had a bit of a flem situation, crusty nose and chapped lips. Well, right as we were going down the stairs, I had a cough up flem moment. What was I to do? I'm not swallowing mucus. So I spit it on the stairs.
Classy? No. Disgusting? Yes. Do I care? Absolutely not.
We made our way to three different bars that were near us. All of which with velvet ropes. Not really my scene. We tried to get into the first two and they turned us away. Then the last one, I had about enough as I hoped the velvet rope to talk to someone. Some dude freaked out on me and said to never "jump the rope". I told him to "blow me" as we hailed a cab back to Uptown. Time to dance.
We arrived at a bar named Manhattan thanks to my bestie Lizz who recommended us there. The huge bouncer was happy to see us and welcomed us with open arms. We walked up the steps but I went the wrong way around the bouncer and almost fell of the steps as the doors swung open. The bouncer picked me up like a rag doll and swung me the right way. Thank you 400 pound man. I did my "SHE'S GETTING MARRIED" scream as we entered the nearly empty bar. It was still early for partying apparently. Not for us. We made a B line straight for the bar. Ordered our drinks.
This is what Bari likes to call the point of no return. Katy is asked her if she has ever had Sweet Leaf Tea Vodka. Welcome to the black out phase of the night everyone.
And Kellen's excited.
*Notice weenie dog fox with Santa hat on. It's Christmas time.
After we received our drinks, we made our way down to the empty dance floor. Did that stop us? Never. We made our requests and dance dance revolutioned on the dance floor. We requested Hey Ya! by Outkast because Bari calls it her 'booty shaking song'.
Kristi got the video camera out. As with the digital camera, the video camera helped us put the pieces of the night together.
Notice how Bari is only wearing a veil to show people she is a bride. We also had diamond stickers and buttons that had little sayings on them. My diamond sticker said: "Try! I'm easy!" (no one tried) and my button said: "Always a Bridesmaid" (I am). Bari is a no-penis-paraphernalia type bride. Thank goodness, I'm that way too. I hate that shit. Please, don't make me a penis cake. Or balls. They make me nervous.
Bari's purple sweater had come off. It's officially go time. Also, notice how Kellen is double fisting. We all participated in that kind of frivolity. As Kellen said, "It was a party". Here is how I chose to roll:
The beer is gracefully chilling in the corner of my purse. That's where I put my back-up all night. 1 beer in hand, 1 back-up in purse. It would of only been better if my Coach purse was also a cooler. But we can't have everything.
Here is a photo of "the four". I have absolutely no idea why Kellen, Katy & I are crouching and making those faces. Suffice to say, Bari didn't receive the memo. Damn Sweet Leaf Tea Vodka.
Here are some photo's of Bari getting bachelorette crazy:
Believe me, there are too many pictures of Bari & I being ridiculous. However, this is one of my favs. Because we, as always, are equally disgusting.
The Four again. I am so thankful that I attended Texas A&M and decided to apply at Carino's. I have met the three best friends ever. They're loyal, supportive, beautiful and amazingly thoughtful. I want Jesus over for dinner to thank him. But better believe that he is bringing dessert.
So Bari is placing a magnum condom in her shirt. Now I don't know if she found it on the ground or someone gave it to her. Like I said, black out phase. However, there are at least 15 pictures of us and this condom. It was a party.
This is an amazing friend that goes by the name Elizabeth Lizz Peach Lizzle Glomb. She is also engaged! I was so glad she came out because she leaves for Tokyo soon and I won't see her until she gets back in April which is ironically when I'll be back in Texas for Bari's wedding. I am a very lucky girl. Sometimes. Wait, I have the worst luck ever.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?? Lizz come back!
Who's buying me a ticket to Tokyo so I can go visit her?
Unlike Bari & Kellen, I refused to take my shoes off in the bar. Which is really weird for me because I usually could care less. However, I was being stubborn even though I was miserable. I had to pee so I decided to go to the bathroom to take a break. By break, I mean that I went into the stall, peed, then just chilled there for a while. There was a line. I didn't care, my feet hurt and I was tired. I finally got up and left to find Kristi & Kellen chilling outside the stall trying to cut the line. Kellen was pretending to be vomiting so they could skip to the front of the line. Smart bitches.
I went off to find Lizz again. I found her and we decided to go grab more drinks. We went back up the stairs but I got up the stairs alone. I looked back to find Lizz no where. Seconds later she found me to tell me that she had fallen up the stairs. And no one helped her. They just stared. Oh, Uptown.
Now here is a guide to taking off a stranger's shirt in a bar.
Step 1.
Snap off pearl snaps and approach from behind slowly taking off the collar as someone else distracts him (thanks Kristi and Kellen).
Step 2.
Continue to rip his shirt off with fervor.
*Notice how I am wearing my engagement ring from when I was engaged and my 'diamond' bracelet from my Junior Prom. Yup.
Step 3.
Take shirt off with teeth.
This is the last shot of the night. I know this because there are no other shots taken on my camera. I'll tell you why. Later. Not too long after this, we decided it was time to call it a night. We walked out to hop into a cab. Someone was hitting on Lizz and Kristi proceeded to tell them that she would beat them up if they messed with her anymore. Lizz said, "I believe her".
The only thing I remember with the cab driver that he was younger, foreign and had longer hair. The only reason I remember that is because Kellen was sitting behind him playing with his hair the whole trip home as we jammed to G6. By the way, a G6 is a jet. I googled it.
We finally made it back to our hotel. I vaguely remember tackling Bari outside the elevator but am not sure if that actually happened. I do remember Katy & I getting into an argument with our hotel room neighbor. She decided to come out to tell us to be quiet and that people were trying to sleep. Katy told her repeatedly that she only gets married one and to go back into her room. I'm pretty sure I told her to "shut the fuck up". I'm really surprised she didn't call the front on us. KICK US OUT, TRY IT.
After some of the ladies got nauseous, I realized that I didn't have my camera. I panicked and tried retracing my steps in the hotel. No luck. Frick. I was the only person that took pictures because Kristi's camera wasn't working. Oh well, nothing to do about it then. Katy left not too soon after she was playing mom to all of us. She had a plane to catch. In a couple hours. I found out later that she could not hail a cab. So she walked halfway to her hotel and the other half she got a ride from a bouncer. On Harry Hines. Good God.
The next morning was rough for some of us. However, Bari & Kellen do not get hangovers so they were fine. I hate them. Kristi & I spent the majority of our time throwing up. However, it was time to check out so Bari gave me a Dillards bag and we headed out the door. The sisters wanted Genghis Grill (shocker) so we GPS'd it to the closest location. After lunch, they took me back to my sisters. Kell & Bari came inside for some quality Cate time. We hung out for a little bit but they had to hit the road.
It was a bachelorette success and triumph! Even though I had lost my camera. Kellen found our cab driver's card in her wallet at lunch (?) so Bari gave Abed a call. He looked for it in his cab but couldn't find it. We called the bar and they did not have a camera turned in. Did I leave it in the bathroom while I was taking my break? WHY LAUREN, WHY? Blacking out is dangerous.
However, I called the bar again on Monday because I just KNEW it had to be there. They said that someone had called up there and that they had found a camera! I WAS ECSTATIC!! He gave me this girl's number and so I proceeded to call her leaving a message. Her name was Kim and she called back asking me what kind of camera it was. I told her and she said she had it! She asked me if we all were wearing sequins or something... I laughed and said it was the theme of the bachelorette party. I asked her where she found it and she said she was walking and found it in the middle of the street. Ah, fuck. I must of dropped it between the exit of the bar and the cab. Which was literally 8 feet. I'm a train wreck of epic proportions.
Again, I am so lucky. But this luck's got to run out soon...
"Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack...it grew by one. So there...there were two of us in the wolf pack...I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!"
-Alan Garner played by Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
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