Golden Globes 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's that time of year.  Awards Season.  And you know who is always in the front row for it?  Me.  Because I believe actors are my close and personal friends.  I know more about actors and their personal lives than I do my own family's.  Seriously.  I know who is related to who and who has been in what.  I haven't told a lot of people this but I spent a grand majority of my high school years on imdb.com learning all about the classics (30s on).  Clark Gable, William Holden, Marilyn Monroe, etc.  I even went as far to deem my own personal vote on the most beautiful blonde, brunette & red head classic actress of the age.  (In case you're interested - Veronica Lake, Ava Gardner & Maureen O'Hara respectively).   In summation, I'm a loser.

So I think celebrities are my friends?  So what, who cares (in Joy Behar voice).  Some people like to read books.  Some people like to play sports.  I like to stalk celebrities.  Stop being so judgemental.

Everyone hit the red carpet going into the 68th Annual Golden Globes in Los Angeles.  

I watched some of the pre-show on NBC.  Carson Daly was the main host alongside Natalie Morales (Today show) and Alexa Chung (MTV UK's Gonzo).  You can say what you want about Carson Daly but he has done a lot for music and sadly, was the only thing holding the pre-show together.  He is very personable and knows how to fill the empty silences.  Natalie was very gracious about her interviews and actually knew who she was interviewing.  Alexa Chung on the other hand was a dildo.  She kept missing her live ques and never knew when she was on air.  And I think the only person she actually knew when she was interviewing was Justin Bieber.  And slow down the English accent, I cannot understand you.

The highlight of the pre-show was when Alexa was interviewing Jane Lynch on the red carpet.  Jane made the comment of how Angelina had just waved to her and how cool that was.  Alexa said something to her about sleeping with Brad Pitt and Jane responded with, "I have slept with Brad Pitt but have never met him."  Classic.  Mainly because Jane is one of the funniest people on the planet.  Oh, and she is a huge lesbian.  

I also was in awe of the Alexa/Robert Pattinson pre-show interview.  It finally donged on me why he and Kristin Stewart are together.  Because he is JUST as awkward as she is.  Together they make an awkward terrible actors couple.

Ricky Gervais was the host again this year.  The Golden Globes are known for not having a host.  It is known as being one of the laid back award shows (because there is food and alcohol).  It also is one of only major award shows to combine both Film and Television awards.  As always, Ricky is hysterical.  Definitely knows how to make a room full of major stars supremely awkward.  However, I don't think the Globes needs a host.  I think Ricky should give hosting a shot at the Emmy's or Oscars.  I guess he hasn't since he isn't allowed to drink on those award shows...

Ricky came out with beer in hand to deliver his opening monologue.  He opened with bashing Charlie Sheen.  Funny.  Slowly making the crowd uncomfortable.  I'm in.  He then moves onto slamming The Tourist which was super awkward since it was nominated for Best Comedy/Musical and Depp/Jolie were both nominated as actors for it.  The crowd wasn't a huge fan of it.  Cut to Depp as he slowly chews his gum in death stare mode.  Gervais then moved onto bashing Sex and the City 2.  Justified.  Then he stated why the Globes had not recognized Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor's film I Love You Phillip Morris because it was about two heterosexual actors playing homosexual characters.  Just like some Scientologists in Hollywood.  In case you are confused, that was a direct slam against Tom Cruise.  Cruise is 'rumored' to be bisexual.  In other words, he sleeps with dudes.  Gervais reaffirmed the audience to not be awkward because said scientologists were not in attendance this year.  

He then went on to some Hugh Hefner joke.  This coincided with him re-enacting Hefner's new fiance touching Hefner's penis.  And throwing up.  Funny.

He summed up with a LOST joke that bombed and on to introducing the night's first presenter, Scarlett Johansson.  He called her beautiful and surprisingly Jewish.  Well, he said that Mel Gibson told him that she was Jewish.  And on to say that Mel just won't give up.  Knew Gervais had to get Mel in there some how.

Scarlett presented Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.  The nominee's were Christian Bale (The Fighter), Michael Douglas (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps), Andrew Garfield (The Social Network), Jeremy Renner (The Town) and Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech).  The Globe went to Bale who I think is the front runner for a Supporting Actor Academy Award.  Bale is such an incredible actor both physically and emotionally.  Some of his favorites of mine are Little Women, American Psycho and of course, his take on Bruce Wayne.  He at first dissed the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) but then somewhat started to suck-up to them.  He also did a last minute shout out to Robert De Niro which was bleeped out.  Wonder what he said...

Next up were presenters LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles) and Julie Bowen (Modern Family) to give out the award for Best Actress in a Television Series.  The nominee's were Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife), Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men), Piper Perabo (Covert Affairs), Katey Sagal (Sons of Anarchy) and Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer).   This category is usually a toss up between Margulies and Sedgwick.  I was not rooting for anyone in this category because sadly, I do not watch any of these shows!  The Globe went to Katey Sagal.  Most of you will remember her as the hilarious mom on Married with Children.  She looks amazing for her age (57) and rocked the bright orange color.

After the break, nominee's of the night Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey came out to present Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  Before they announced the winner, they introduced Miss Golden Globe of the evening.  Each year, the Golden Globes announce a Mr. or Miss Golden Globe who gives the actual awards to the presenters.  They are always a daughter or son of an actor.  Past Mr./Miss Golden Globe include Melanie Griffith, Laura Dern, Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Rumer Willis.  This year was the daughter of Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds, The Godfather: Part III), aspiring actress Gia Mantegna.

The nominee's for Best Mini-Series/Motion Picture Made for Television were Carlos, The Pacific, Pillars of the Earth, Temple Grandin and You Don't Know Jack.  I thought it would be between Grandin and Jack.  However, Carlos took home the Globe.  The producer accepted and he was foreign.  No idea what the fuck he said.

Gervais went on to introduce Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher's dad.  Man, I bet Willis gets tired of hearing that.  When announcing presenters, Gervais occasionally would highlight their careers.  And by highlight, I mean mention terrible movies that they have been in.  Willis came out to announce one of the movies up for Best Comedy or Musical, Red.  

Country Strong stars Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester were the next to present Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Scott Caan (Hawaii Five-O - are you serious?), Chris Colfer (Glee), Chris Noth (The Good Wife), Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family) and David Strathairn (Temple Grandin).  I thought this was a toss up between Strathairn and Stonestreet.  However, the Globe went to a deserving Colfer for his role as Kurt on Glee.  If you watch Glee, then you'd understand.  Colfer is the sweetest, funniest, most emotional gay kid on the planet.  He was shocked and emotional as he made his way up to accept his Globe.  He thanked his fellow cast members and crew so thoughtfully.  He also made a shout-out about bullying which was sweet.  Way to represent Colfer.

Michelle Pfeiffer made an appearance to introduce Alice in Wonderland which was up for Best Comedy/Musical.  It mainly just pissed me off because of how hott she is still at 52.  And I have an extreme muffin top at 25.  Soon to be 26, frick.

Gervais then came out to introduce Eva Longoria as she had the daunting task of introducing the President of the HFPA Phillip Blake.  Gervais made a harmless joke of how he just had to help drag Blake off the toilet and help him put his teeth in.  Longoria appeared looking ravishing (well, she tripped) as she introduced the old, boring Blake.  Blake came back at Gervais stating that the next time he wanted one of his movies qualified - he better go somewhere else.  Ouch.  Blake continued with his boring speech.  I mainly just listened to his horrible voice that was draining for another cigarette.  

Next presenters were Kevin Bacon and Milla Jovovich who announced Best Actor in a Television Series - Drama.  The nominee's were Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire), Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad), Michael C. Hall (Dexter), Jon Hamm (Mad Men) and Hugh Laurie (House).  Now the only show I watch out of all of these is Boardwalk Empire so I was rooting for Buscemi because I adore him on the show.  It is quite a jump from his cameo's in all Adam Sandler movies to his dramatic role as Nucky Thompson.   And BOOM, the winner is Buscemi!!!  He was very humble in his acceptance speech ending with how his 4 year old nephew called him and left him a voicemail that said "wish me luck".  As awwwws came over the crowd.  For more great Buscemi dramatic work see The Messenger, Big Fish and Ghost World.  Good work Mr. Pink, next stop Emmy.

Bacon & Jovovich stay to present another Globe for Best Television Series - Drama.  The nominee's were Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, The Good Wife, Mad Men and The Walking Dead (never heard of it). And the Globe goes to - Boardwalk Empire!  Creator/Executive Producer/Writer Terrance Winter accepts the award.  He makes a shout-out to Brooklyn where he is from stating "I cannot believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."

(yes, not only does Martin Scorsese executive produces this show - Mark Wahlberg executive produces it as well.  Good shit.)

Up next was Andrew Garfield who was to introduce the next movie up for Best Drama - The Social Network.  Garfield acts beautifully in the movie and I suspect will get a Supporting Actor Academy Award nod as well.  Even though he stuttered and fucked up his introduction, he pulled himself together to finish it.  Garfield - get your shit together.  You won't be able to handle all the Spiderman junkets if you are a stuttering bitch (yes, he is the new Spiderman - that 86ed Tobey Maguire - going for a younger look - ouch).  

Gervais comes out to introduce the next presenters - Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez.  He said that she is also known as Jenny from the block except the block is between Cartier and Prada.  Shit's funny.

They presented Best Original Song from a Motion Picture.  I call this category the 'I don't give a fuck' category.  A song from Burlesque won.  Let's move on.

Baldwin & J Lo also presented Best Original Score from a Motion Picture.  It was a toss up between The Social Network and Inception but The Social Network took the Globe.

After the break, Justin Bieber and True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld came out, hand-in-hand, to present Best Animated Feature Film.  Yup, Justin Bieber.  The award went to Toy Story 3.  The winner of the award jokingly asked if Bieber and Steinfeld had even been born when the original Toy Story came out.

Bieber was almost 1.  Steinfeld hadn't been born.  I looked it up.

Gervais went out to announce the next presenter Robert Downey, Jr.  He began by listing his past terrible movies and then went on to say that he is most famous for being seen in the Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail.  Funny.  Cause it's true.  No matter how good you are Downey, you'll never live that shit down.

Downey, Jr. came out with a smirk on his face to announce Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy/Musical.  He asked the crowd how they thought it was going.  Gives a jab at Gervais being "mean-spirited" and then proceeds to be the funniest presenter of the night.  He makes comments on how he has slept with all the nominee's in the past while working with them - Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right), Anne Hathaway (Love and Other Drugs), Angelina Jolie (The Tourist) and Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right).  He then asks to not make it awkward and where Emma Stone (Easy A) was. Emma awkwardly raised her hand (since she is just 22), joining in on the fun.  Downey said if he could, he would give the 'Globe' to all 5 of them.  All at once.  On that stage.  In front of the crowd.  In front of the millions watching.  And in front of his wife (cut to his wife whose facial expression said - 'my husband is an idiot').  Annette Bening won which was well deserved since she got a standing ovation by most of the crowd.  I did see The Kids Are All Right and we will see both Bening and Moore at the Academy Awards.  However, I will say this.  Emma Stone was nominated for a reason.  If you haven't seen Easy A, GO rent it now.  It is a fun, quick witted comedy twist on The Scarlet Letter.  Of course we won't see Stone get a nod at the Academy Awards but her performance shows her vast comedy chops all the same.  We will also see her as the Kirsten Dunst replacement as Garfield's leading lady in the untitled new Spiderman project.  

Also, for Annette Bening see some of my favs like Regarding Henry, The American President, The Siege and American Beauty.  

Sylvester Stallone came out to announce the Best Motion Picture - Drama contender The Fighter.  He delivered his speech in true Stallone form.  

Next Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton came out to present Best Actor in a Television Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Idris Elba (Luther), Ian McShane (Pillars of the Earth), Al Pacino (You Don't Know Jack), Dennis Quaid (The Special Relationship) and Edgar Ramirez (Carlos).  To be honest, the only one I had even heard of was You Don't Know Jack.  And I can proudly say, that I have actually watched it.  And of course, you cannot NOT give an award to Al Pacino.  So he won and went to grab his Globe to a standing ovation.  Gotta give The Godfather props.  

Rush & Swinton stayed to present Best Actress in a Television Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Hayley Atwell (Pillars of the Earth), Claire Danes (Temple Grandin), Judi Dench (Return to Cranford), Romola Garai (Emma) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Client List).  Yes, you heard correctly.  Jennifer Love Hewitt was nominated for a Golden Globe.  Don't panic!  It is not the apocalypse.  The HFPA just got drunk.  The winner of course went to the sublime Claire Danes. As she got up to make her way to the stage, she was attacked from behind by the real Temple Grandin. Who is the cutest thing on the planet.  Danes made it to the stage in one piece in her hot pink stick figure self.  She made a very emotional, sweet speech.

After the break, Zac Efron came out to dramatically announce the next film up for Best Comedy/Musical - The Kids Are All Right.

Gervais comes out to announce the next presenters Tina Fey and Steve Carell.  He says one if one of the funniest people in America while the other is an ungrateful man leaving a 'cash-cow' hit television show.  The banter between Carell and Gervais is always hysterical.  

Fey & Carell were presenting Best Screenplay for a Motion Picture.  The winner was The Social Network's Aaron Sorkin (you might remember him better for his writing on The West Wing in which he was mostly wrote in a shroom-filled trip).  

The next presenters were the awkward Chris Hemsworth (upcoming Thor movie) and Chris Evans (Fantastic 4) who acted like they had better places to be.  They were presenting Best Actress in a Supporting Role for a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television.  The nominee's were Hope Davis (The Special Relationship), Jane Lynch (Glee), Kelly MacDonald (Boardwalk Empire), Julia Stiles (Dexter) and Sofia Vergara (Modern Family).  Even though I was secretly rooting for MacDonald because I think she is an amazing actress (see Gosford Park for confirmation - one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time), I of course wanted my girl Jane Lynch to win.  She one of my favorite improvisational actresses.  I want to be her.  And she added a Golden Globe to her Emmy as she took the win.  

And that's how Sue - C's it.

Gervais then came out to announce the next category that 'no one cares about'.  So true.  Best Foreign Lang....  Fuck it, I don't care.

After Robert Pattinson awkwardly walked off, Helen Mirren came out to announce the next film up for Best Drama - The King's Speech.  Fitting since she's The Queen.

Next presenters Vanessa Williams and Blair Underwood came out to announce Best Actress in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical.  The nominee's were Toni Collette (United States of Tara), Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie), Tina Fey (30 Rock), Laura Linney (The Big C) and Lea Michele (Glee).  The Globe went to an amazing actress Laura Linney who was not present at the Globes.  Some favorite Linney projects are Primal Fear, The Life of David Gale, Mystic River and Love Actually.  

After a commercial break, someone came out to announce the next film up for Best Film - Comedy or Musical.  This person has not been at the Globes in 25 years.  The never-changing Jane Fonda hit the stage to announce...Burlesque.  Really?  That brings you out of the woodwork?  Yuck.

Some random dude and Kaley Cuoco with her terrible hair extensions came out to present Best Actor in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical.  The nominee's were Alec Baldwin (30 Rock), Steve Carell (The Office), Thomas Jane (Hung), Matthew Morrison (Glee) and Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory). Cuoco opened the envelope to yell outside the microphone the winner.  I was so confused I thought she said Matthew Morrison but realized she was so hysterical because the winner was her co-star - Jim Parsons.  What an awkward guy.  I don't think he has to act much on the show.

Jeremy Irons then came out to present Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.  The nominee's were Amy Adams (The Fighter), Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech), Mila Kunis (Black Swan), Melissa Leo (The Fighter) and Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom - what?).  The Globe went to Melissa Leo who accepted it very enthusiastically.  Leo has been working since the 80s but I am excited to see what the future holds for her.

After the break, Matt Damon came out to introduce the Cecil B. Demille award that was being given that year to Robert De Niro.  Damon playfully joked that he hadn't even heard of De Niro before until 5 years ago when he was asked to be in The Good Shepherd (De Niro directed - long movie but excellent).  He said he asked a few people and they thought that De Niro was one of the greatest actors of all time.  Damon named some of his great movies: The Godfather: Part II (in which Damon did a Fredo impression), Goodfellas (Damon did a Joe Pesci quote) and Taxi Driver (in which Damon stated that De Niro played a 13 year old blonde prostitute).  Damon introduced the movie clips depicting all De Niro's great works and then he told De Niro to come up and accept his award.  De Niro received a very long and well deserved standing ovation.  He definitely did not tell the crowd to sit down for a few minutes - basking in the glory.  De Niro retorted to Damon that he liked Damon in The Fighter.  Touche.

De Niro went with his prepared speech that was clearly written for him by some writer with a comedic history.  The speech was mostly funny but some of his jokes failed to make the mark.

After the break, Megan Fox came out in her pink sparkley dress to announce another film up for Best Comedy/Musical - The Tourist.

Annette Bening then came out to present Best Director in a Motion Picture.  The winner was David Fincher for The Social Network.  

Jimmy Fallon and January Jones accompanied each other to present Best Comedy or Musical Comedy Series.  The nominee's were 30 Rock, The Big Bang Theory, The Big C, Glee, Modern Family and Nurse Jackie.  The Globe went to Glee as all those skinny 'teenagers' hit the stage. The creator/producer Ryan Murphy accepts the award as he and another acceptor thank all the teachers in public schools.

Alicia Keys, post-baby, came out to announce the next film up for Best Motion Picture - Drama, Black Swan.

Halle Berry came out to present Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.  She was wearing the most god-awful dress ever.  We get it.  You're sexy.

The nominee's were Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland and The Tourist), Paul Giamatti (Barney's Version), Jake Gyllenhaal (Love and Other Drugs) and Kevin Spacey (Casino Jack).  The Globe went to Paul Giamatti whose speech was mostly bleeped out because of all the cursing.  Poor guy, hope he doesn't get fined.  He said he was really jacked up because he ate 5 boxes of Godiva chocolates at the table.  He said he is in Barney's Version with a 'trifecta of hotties' and ends his speech with a shout-out to Canada.  Classic.  See Sideways, Cinderella Man and John Adams for more great Giamattiness.  

It's a word.

The awesome Joseph Gordon-Levitt came out to announce Inception for Best Motion Picture - Drama.

Then Jeff Bridges came out to announce Best Actress in Motion Picture - Drama.  The nominee's were Halle Berry (Frankie and Alice, also she's sexy), Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole), Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone), Natalie Portman (Black Swan) and Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine).  The Globe went to the Academy Award shoe-in Natalie Portman.  Her performance in Black Swan in riveting.  Not only his her emotionality in the film incredible, he physical body change is frightening.  Natalie Portman is already tiny.  Imagine her 70-80 pounds with her muscles protruding from every angle especially her back.  Being a ballerina is tough.  Her speech was cute as she gave a shout-out to her baby daddy (now fiance) who makes a comment in the film (he plays a fellow dancer and also choreographed the film) that he doesn't want to sleep with her.  She made a comment on how he totally wants to sleep with her now.  She also made sweet sentiments to her parents.  See my girl in Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars but also in The Professional, Anywhere But Here, Where the Heart Is and Closer.

Gervais then announces the next presenters Tom Hanks list of amazing films and Tim Allen's non-list of work.  Hanks and Allen present Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical.  The nominee's are Alice in Wonderland, Burlesque, The Kids Are All Right, Red and The Tourist.  The contenders this year were kinda sad.  The only films I have actually seen in this category are Alice in Wonderland (I liked it but nodded off at times) and The Kids Are All Right (riveting family movie - definite Academy Award Best Picture contender).  And the Globe went to - The Kids Are All Right.

After the break, Gervais came out to announce the next presenter Sandra Bullock.  He called her a national treasure, miss congeniality but said that she told him backstage that "poor people are gross and they smell bad."  True, they are and they do.  Wait, I'm poor.  But I don't smell.  MOST DAYS.

Sandra Bullock presented Best Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama.  The nominee's were Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network), Colin Firth (The King's Speech), James Frano (127 Hours), Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine) and Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter).  I loved Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg and think Mark Wahlberg's performance will garner attention.  However, the Globe went to the Oscar favorite - a deserving Colin Firth for his portrayal as the stuttering George VI (the current Queen of England's father).  I absolutely love Colin Firth and his acceptance speech was full of funny quips - he called Geoffrey Rush his "geisha girl".  See more great Colin Firth comedy bits in the Bridget Jones movies and Love Actually and his dramatic work in Pride and Predjudice, The English Patient and A Single Man.  

After the commercial break, Michael Douglas came out to a standing ovation to present Best Motion Picture - Drama.  Douglas just overcame throat cancer which is tremendous.  He is one of the best dramatic and comedic actors out there but is also amazing behind the camera.  The nominee's were Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The King's Speech and The Social Network.  All of these will be get Best Picture nods at the Academy Awards.  I have seen Black Swan and it was a good psychiatric thriller with an amazing performance by Portman.  Inception was incredible and mind-blowing.  We'll see if Leo can garner another Academy Award nod since the Academy loves nominating him.  They just  never actually give him the award.  The King's Speech had amazing art direction and costume design with stellar acting as well.  I love English monarch history.  This was a not widely known story of the monarchy during World War II.  The Social Network had amazing acting and a nail-biting story that is just BASED on a real one.  Justin Timberlake's performance was a bit overshadowed I think because there are more amazing performances in it by Eisenberg and Garfield.  I have not seen The Fighter yet but hopefully will see it this Tuesday so I'll keep you updated on my thoughts.  And the Globe goes to - THE SOCIAL NETWORK!  Amazing movie!  We'll see you at the Oscars!

Gervais came out to close the show.  He thanked the crowd for being "good sports".  He also closed with thanking "God for making me an Athiest".  Nicely said Kathy Griffin.

I did not spend long thinking out of all these amazing movies - what shall my movie quote be from?!?  Easy, lets give a high-fiving shout-out to Cecil B. Demille winner Robert De Niro:

"I make him an offer he don' refuse.  Don' worry."

-Vito Corleone played by Robert De Niro in The Godfather: Part II

New Years 2011

I know everyone is DYING to know how I spent my New Years Eve!  Well, buckle your seatbelts.  Because this story is going to make you think - "can life really get any better?"

Jonathan was still in Texas because his sister got married New Years Eve and Katy was closing the restaurant in Bensalem so she would be spending her New Years working.  I also spent the night slaving away at Texas Roadhouse.  I closed the restaurant that night but managed to get out of there before midnight.

I zoom home because I want to see the ball drop.  However, I had to stop to get Katy and I beer because we wanted to ring in 2011 right.  The bar closest to us called Chick Orlando's was closed.  Frick.  I went to the second closest bar, Jerzee's, and grabbed a 12 pack.  In Pennsylvania, they don't sell beer in gas stations.  There are beer barns but they close at like 9pm.  So if you want a 6 pack or something, you have to go to a bar.  It is so bizarre.  For last call you can get one more beer and a 6 pack to-go.  It is also much more expensive that way.  Pennsylvania sneaky bastards.

I got my 12 pack with 5 minutes left to midnight.  I crazy drove home and hopped out of my car.  I open the door to a smell that cannot be described.  Well, let me try.  It smelt like shit dipped in a barn full of horse shit mixed with vomit and urine.  I literally threw up in my mouth.  Dear Jesus, what have my roommates three dogs done in the kitchen?  I did not even want to go inside.  But it was inevitable.

I walked inside to the smell progressively getting worse.  I sat my stuff on the coffee table in the living room and turned on the tv to see the ball drop.  Well, at least I can listen to it...

I made my way to the kitchen where the dogs were locked up.  Then I see it.  Shit and pee by the refrigerator.  Happy New Years to me.

I walk in and let the dogs out.  Well, Sophia and Calvin went outside.  Panda, the puppy, did not.  She did this for a few days after we got back from Texas.  She would not go outside when she was told.  I don't know what was wrong with her but it was straight pissing me off.  So I grabbed and drug her outside, forcing her out the fucking door.  Asshole.

Then I realized the ball had dropped because of the fireworks I heard outside.  The dogs don't like fireworks very much.  I realized that on Labor Day when the neighbors set off fireworks and the dogs proceeded to go CRAZY.  There is a screen door outside the back door.  And the dogs can get through the bottom of the screen door like a 'doggy door'.  So Panda likes to place herself between these two things and crawl upwards like a maniac.  It is the most psychotic thing I have ever seen in my life.  The next time she does it, I'm gonna take a fucking picture just so you can witness how INSANE it looks.  As she is crazy crawling between the two doors, she cannot move her head.  So one eye is just wide open, looking around in a crazy panic.  It's frightening.

So as the dogs are doing this, I'm picking up the poop and putting it in the trash can.  I proceed to mop up the urine and poop particles on the floor as I hear people on the tv, celebrating in Times Square kissing each other.  They are ringing in their New Year with people that they love.  Therefore, that significant other is supposed to be who they spend their year with, right?  What does it say about me that I spent my New Years Eve with dog pee and poop?  What does that mean for my year?
Ideas?  Thoughts?

After the clean up was finished, I let the crazy dogs in but let them roam about the house because I didn't want them in the kitchen while the floor was still wet. They chose to run up and down the stairs searching for there parents.  But oh no, the only human in the house was me.  And they hate me.  So I cracked open a beer and watched some performer sing during the after show.   But then I realized that I could still smell a massive amount of shit.  So I lit every candle in the house.  I would of lit every candle in the nation if Obama would of let me.  A vigil for shit.

Katy came home like an hour later and I told her all about it.  She thought I was mad but I wasn't.  Just not how I imagined spending my New Years Eve.  I can't decide which New Years was worse.  This one or the one several years ago in College Station when I spent it with two other couples.  Yup.  Two couples and me.  And one of their dog's humped my leg.  Good times.

So lets see how 2011 pans out.  Probably will be spent single and waiting tables - like every year for the past six years.  Or I'll just move to Canada.

"Resolution #1: Uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs.  #2: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket.  Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts.  Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things."

-Bridget Jones played by Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones Diary

Celebrity Bartender

Being back in Philadelphia has been hard - facing reality and getting myself back into my routine.  I e-mailed my friend in New York the information about my headshots and have been waiting to hear back from her.  Work has been mostly the same EXCEPT for the fact that I've been suspended for a week with one shift.  Suspended you say?  Oh, yes.  I have been suspended from waiting tables.  I'm in hell.

Ever heard of a 'shopper'?  Well a shopper is a person that comes into a restaurant undercover.  Like an undercover cop but way less cool and they don't have there own tv show.  They have a checklist of all these things they are supposed to look out for or ask you.  Well, I get back to work last Wednesday to open the restaurant.  I find out that I had been shopped that previous Monday.  On my part, I got an 86%.  They said that I wasn't at the table within 45 seconds (it was a Monday night - other than staring at my tables all night in hopes that someone would fucking come in the door, I wasn't doing much else so that's bullshit).  They also said I didn't mention aspects of 'our story' to them (ummm, I say the same thing to all my tables).  In summation, they instituted a new rule in January.  The rule is if you get less than a 90% on a shop (if you miss more than one thing), then you'll get suspended for a week with only one shift.  So I get back to Pennsylvania, with not working for 2 weeks, and I'm not allowed to work for a whole week.  

Holy fuck balls.

As much as I love being away from that place sometimes, how am I supposed to get away with not working for one week?  I mean, I serve steaks and ribs for a living.  Give me a freaking break.  

The restaurant has not even opened and I'm already crying like a baby.  I started to have an anxiety attack.  My favorite.  I was thinking about everything - how am I going to make my bills?  Why won't that girl e-mail me back about my headshots?  I'm never going to get these headshots accomplished and done.  Therefore, I'm not going to start auditioning.  My grandmother isn't doing well.  What if I have to buy an emergency plane ticket back to Texas soon?  Why can't I even be happy at some silly waiting tables job?  I'm going to have to look for a new job but where to start?  Why doesn't anyone want to date me?  I'm a good catch, right?   No, I'm a Star Wars freak nerd.  What am I doing in Philadelphia?

Stop judging me.  I'm an emotional, anxious mess.  The answer to my insomnia is right there.  My head is thinking things like that ALL THE TIME.  Where's the switch off?

However, a friend came to me with a job opportunity.  She wanted me to take her celebrity bartending gig.  Celebrity bartending did you say?  Why yes.  It is where you go to a bar that you don't work at and bring in all your friends.  You don't really have to have bartending experience.  But you need nice boobs.  Well, I have those.

It was so nice of her to offer and at first, I kept declining it.  I felt terrible for taking it from her but according to my anxiety attack, my life was in shambles.  So I gratefully accepted.  

My friend came over a day later to help me pick out my bartending outfit.  After many costume changes, her and my roommate picked something cute/sexy out for me.  I was playing music and after the modeling had ceased, one of my favorite jams came on during the shuffle.  Chingy's Dem Jeans.  Yup, Chingy (real name Howard Bailey, Jr).  Chingy is a slang term for money.  He is a thug.  Anywayyyyyy, I LOVE that song and decided it was floppy wrists time (it was hard doing it without you Bari).  I was in my own world, floppin' wrists.  Left and right.  I got tired and stopped.  All of the sudden, I hear Katy and my friend BEGGING me to continue.  

Then I knew.   I was being videoed.  So I gave the crowd what they wanted and continued to floppy wrist dance all over the place.  After some sweet movies, my audience was dying with laughter.  Katy wanted to put it up on youtube immediately but I begged her not too.  I didn't want my braless and no make-up wearing self across the net.  Nobody wants that.  Especially Chingy.

But I suspect it's only a matter of time.  So if you see me on Ellen or Tosh.0, just click the channel change button.  And in advance, I'm sorry you are my friend.  Cause I'm hideous.

So last night was the actual celebrity bartending gig.  I went out to my car to leave and found it COVERED in snow.  It was defrost time.  However, I still don't have any tools to get the snow off my car.  Just a towel I got for Christmas that I have since named my 'snow towel'.  It is used to get the necessary snow off my car.  It is too much work to get it all off.  So all my windows were still covered except my front and side windows.  So I proceeded to drive to the bar.  Not knowing that having my back window covered was super illegal.  Since when do I obey the law anyways?

bartending experience so I do not know much about shot recipes.  He said that it didn't matter.  I said good because I was told I only needed a good pair of tits to celebrity bartend.  And I had that.  He nodded his head and continued to open the bar.  Uh, oh.  Could my humor be defenseless against this guy?  This could be a long night...

As I helped him set-up the bar, we got to know each other.  Seemed like a cool guy and I told him why I had moved up here (comedy, I think).  I mostly just stood around and watched him do everything.  He told me to not sell draught beer because it tasted like shit.  He showed me all the glassware and got to the martini glasses.  He said if anyone ordered a martini, they were an asshole.  I said my roommate might.  Then he showed me the more high-end liquor and said if anyone ordered it, to tell them to fuck off.  Again, I said my roommate might.  He told me how to work the cash register and what everything was priced.  The cash register was made in 1988 which I was used to from all my working years at the Austin City Limits Festival.  I had no problems with the register all night.  Except when I almost rang up $30,000 in bottled beers (thats 15,000 Miller Lights).  But Vince swung by to save me from my mistake (I got really nervous and my finger was shaking).

A few minutes later, my roommates showed up!  My first guests!  Katy ordered the usual Miller Light (no martini's or Crown on the rocks so I didn't have to call her an asshole OR to fuck off).  Jonathan was in a serious debate on what to order.  He first asked me what kind of scotch we had.  I laughed and called him 70 years old.  Then he was looking at our draught beers.  I told him that they didn't have anything he would remotely like AND that the draughts tasted like shit anyway.  So he ended up going with Tanqueray Tonic.  I can do that.

I noticed Vince pour himself a beer.  He walked up to me and told me that he had one rule.  If he's drinking a beer, I'm drinking a beer.  Uhhhh, I can handle that.

We chatted it up for a little bit waiting on other people to show up.  Katy said that several people from her work were coming!  My work friend who got me the gig and her friend Tracy arrived.  After getting settled, my friend got her phone out to take pictures of the occasion.  So I got prepared:

Sorry for the dark, graininess of it.

It is hard to tell but I'm holding a bar key in my left hand and a bottle of Kahlua in my right.  Notice how serious I am about bartending with that facial expression.  It's business time.  Bring your business socks.

Why grab Kahlua?  I dunno.  I figured grab the most ridiculous liquor that I will never use all night.  And we didn't.

People started showing up.  Several people from Katy's store showed up which was really nice since I've only met a couple of them.  Even my friend's boyfriend showed up!  He had to be up for work at like 4am!  It was so nice of him to come.  Everybody seemed to be having a good time.  Except Jonathan who was playing scrabble on Katy's phone all night.  But I don't blame him, not his scene.  

A guy I work with came which I thought was really nice.  He really didn't know too many people there and he ended up staying a while.  Vince called him 'quiet guy' which I thought was hilarious.  Everytime Vince would make shots, he'd look at me and say, "Make sure quite guy gets one".  Vince was worried about him and his well being.

Vince made complimentary shots for all the people who I knew that came up there.  Granted that wasn't TOO many people but nice all the same.  Jonathan decided to call it a night and Katy asked me if she could ride home with me.  I said of course and walked out of the bar to give them a big bear hug. 

The rest of the night went well.  Everyone seemed to have a great time.  One of Katy's coworkers that came seemed to stare at me the whole night.  He didn't say more than 10 words to me, other than saying he did not think I was funny.  He was there with a girl that I assumed was his girlfriend.  I didn't think anything of it other than I seem to only attract guys with wives or girlfriends.  Why can't a nice, sexy, SINGLE guy ever be interested in me?  WHY?!?  

Vince let people hang out well past 2am which was really nice.  I started saying my goodbyes to everyone, one by one.  

I tried to help Vince clean up but he wouldn't let me.  I said my thank yous and we both said our goodbye's as we walked out into the freezing weather.  Katy looked at my car and asked me if I knew that the snow on my car was illegal.  I replied with, "No! I'm not from here."  I asked her if we should swipe it off but she said it wouldn't matter.  We took a right to leave the parking lot of the bar as I see a cop to my left that has someone pulled over.  However, he immediately jumps back into his cop car to pull me over.  I tell Katy that I'm getting pulled over.  She asked me if I had anything to drink and I was like, "UH, YA".  AND all my car still has Texas stuff (inspection/registration) which is a big no-no if you actually live in Pennsylvania.  But Katy told me to tell him that I had just moved up there.  I get my license out and roll down the window, waiting for the cop to come.  He gets to my window with his hands in his pockets and yells, "PLEASE TELL ME YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER".  I decide to respond with what I think, is the funniest thing I have ever said in my life.  I point upwards and say in a sweet voice, "Is it the snow?"  He was like "YES!!!!!!" and starts to look over my car.  I tell him I have a 'snow towel' and ask if I can get out of the car to use it.  He says, "Please do".  He says that he is only worried about my back window as Katy and I start to clean it.  Me with my 'snow towel' and Katy with her mitten hand.  I profusely apologize and tell him that I just moved up here and was unprepared for the snow.  Which is half true.  He says, "Oh, you're from Texas?" to which I respond yes.  He hops back into his cop car while we're still shoveling snow off my car.  I tell Katy to get back in the fucking car because she looks like an idiot shoveling snow off with her hand.  And I look better, swiping snow off my a yellow towel.  The cop tells me not to worry about the rest and to turn my defrosters on.  I finish and get back in my car.  He zooms off and leaves us to our freezing hands.  Holy shit, I almost went to jail.  For too much snow.  And all Texas stuff.  And a couple beers.  Goo.

Katy proceeded to tell me about some of the conversations she had that night.  One of which was with that guy that didn't think I was funny.  Apparently, that was not his girlfriend and he was, in the simplest terms, in love with me.  In his drunken state, he asked Katy tons of questions about me and told her that I had a nice ass.  To which she replied, "Yes, she does."  Interesting...

We make it back home where Katy almost falls off our path and hurts one of her toes in the process.  She climbs into the house with the giggles.  I say, "Omg, I almost went to jail" and that sets her off.  She decides to have a 30 minute gigglefest.  I wasn't invited.

I made some cereal and got ready for bed.  I sent Katy to her room with the giggles knowing an asleep Jonathan was in for a treat.  I changed and finished my cereal watching the end of season 2 of the Jersey Shore.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen.  I finally caved into the Jersey Shore.  And I feel more stupid now.

All in all, I am so thankful that my friend let me celebrity bartend for her.  I met great people and had a good time.  Financially, it did not compete with missing a week of work but I would not of traded it for anything.  Well, except a million dollars.

"Most things in life, good and bad, just kinda' happen to ya'." 

-Uncle Pat played by Ron Dean in Cocktail

Goodbye Texas, For Real This Time

Wednesday, December 29th

Got up around 7 to get dressed and get my final belongings packed.  We headed to DFW and found Delta easily since it was the third time we had been there.  I said goodbye to my mother and thanked her for all the wonderful things she had done for me.  If it weren't for her, this Texas Christmas trip wouldn't of been possible.  Thanks mom!

I tried to check my luggage but ran into some problems.  After waiting in the 'quick' line FOREVER, I finally got someone to help me.  However, she informs me that I'm in the wrong line.  PERFECT.  I get directed to the 'right' line with another guy that was waiting behind me in the 'quick' line.  He is a 350 lb. guido from New York.  He kept saying "what the fucks" and "can you fuckin' believe this?" in his accent. I just looked at him and smiled.  He was making my anxiety hit a new level.  He started talking to me and asking me questions.  He said all Texas had was cattle.  I agreed.

I finally got my situation figured out and made my way to security.  My gate was right next to security.  I found a seat and started reading Kathy Griffin's memoir.  A few minutes later, an attractive guy sat close to me.  I saw what was an Aggie ring but decided against saying anything.  

But I had my head up Darrelyn!!  Kind of.

They started boarding and I found my seat.  What do you know!  Right next to the attractive guy.  This guy looked and dressed a lot like my friend William.  However, he had a bit of a hairy nose situation.  I couldn't stop staring at his nostrils.  He asked if I went to A&M.  Turns out it was an A&M ring but he went to A&M Galveston.  He was on his way back to Florida where he was going to graduate school.  Turns out this guy was Mr. Chatty.  I like chatty people, in certain situations.  On planes, it can be very hit or miss.  Because let's face it.  There is no where to run.

But he was very nice and I won't say anything bad about him.  I just wanted to close my eyes sometimes while he was talking...

Made it to Atlanta and I got off the plane.  Made my way to the terminal where my next flight was taking off from.  There was a TGIFriday's there where I decided to have lunch.  There was a line outside of the restaurant but I made a B-line for the bar.  Found a seat between an older lady and a middle aged guy.  I ordered my beer and my usual chicken & cheese yumminess.  The bartender's there were very Atlanta and very black.  I overheard one of them talking about how she got sent home for being drunk on the job last week.  You do what you got to do at the TGIFriday's airport restaurant.  I started chatting it up with the older lady next to me.  She was going to Florida where she lived but is from New Jersey.  She said her son got stuck in New Jersey during the blizzard.  He managed to rent a car and it took him 10 hours to get from North New Jersey to Washington D.C. (real drive time 3 hours).  

After I finished my beer, I headed to my gate.  I took a seat across from a guy in an LSU sweatshirt.  He asked me if I was an Aggie and basically told me that the Tigers were gonna stomp the Aggies in the Cotton Bowl (well Congratulations).  He was a funny guy with a serious Cajun accent.  We boarded the plane and the lady scanned my ticket.  She said, "Mam, are you alright with sitting in the emergency aisle?"  I laughed and said, "Um, I guess.   I don't know if the plane is ok with me sitting in the emergency aisle."  I thought to myself as I was searching for my seat, emergency aisle?  Emergency aisle means extra leg space!  DONE.

I'm your emergency girl.

I sat next to a girl that was a few years younger than me that was with her scattered family around the plane.  We kept to ourselves as I read my book and listened to my iPod.  I was really nervous about the landing in Philadelphia because my friend Bianca landed in Philadelphia on Monday.  She told me it was the scariest and windiest landing ever.  I almost wore diapers to prepare myself for the landing.  But decided against it because they're adult diapers.

However, the landing wasn't too bad.  I got off the plane and made it to baggage claim.  The baggage claim was COVERED in random luggage.

(Think this but 1000x more.)

I saw my LSU friend and we started to chat it up.  He told me some Aggie jokes that I didn't understand.  I guess that is why I'm an Aggie.  I got a call from Katy Anne and she told me that she got stuck in Dallas.  Again.  Her flight from Dallas to Houston got delayed because Houston was having bad weather.  So she was going to therefore miss her flight to Philly.  What a fucking mess.  Makes me never want to fly Southwest after what she went through over Christmas.  I asked her how I got to the train.  She told me to go ask the information desk and that they would help me.

The baggage started coming through and eureka!  My bag had made it!  I grabbed my bag that was exactly 50 pounds and headed for the information desk.  I asked the woman what train I would take to get to Glenside.  She replied with "I don't know" and pointed to maps.  She informed me that I had just missed the train anyway.  Great.  I took a map and made my way to the train ramp.  The train comes every 45 minutes so I sat my happy ass down in the cold.  I had no idea how I would get to Glenside.  I called the guy that was supposed to pick me up in Glenside and told me that I would be later than originally told.  The train arrived and I tried to get on it.  He informed me that they were going to the last stop and that they would be back.  So I sat my (not happy) ass down again.

The train came back and I got on.  I was paranoid.  Looking around in a crazy panic.  A girl my age sat next to me with her small dog in a bag.  Ok Paris Hilton.

I told the train guy where I was going.  He told me I had to get off at Market station and then on a different train to Glenside.  God, train changes.  I thought I could just take one straight shot!  However, I told the girl next to me my fears and she reassured me.  She told me she was getting off at the same stop. Whew.  However, that didn't stop my continuing craziness.  I kept asking her if every stop was our stop. She would reply nicely, "No".  I'm sorry Paris Hilton.

There was an attractive guy across from up who only had a $100 bill for his ticket and the train guy couldn't break that.  However, the cute girl across from him just paid for his ticket.  They exchanged business cards and talked the entire way to there same stop.  I just stared in amazement.  It was a true love connection.  This was the story they were going to tell there children one day of how there parents met.  Why can't live be like romantic comedies?  Why can't I meet my future husband on a train and not in some bar somewhere?  Why are my relationships literally train wrecks?  Maybe meeting my future husband on the train isn't the right place for me...

We finally got off at our stop and I followed everyone up the escalator.  I got upstairs and didn't know where the fuck I was.  I made my way to the information desk.  They told me that my train was leaving on A1.  Where A1 was?  I fucking don't know.  Of course it was on the same platform where I originally got off.  But there was only an up escalator and stairs.  So I flung me and my 50 pound luggage down these stairs.  There was a guy behind me on his phone who laughingly asked if I was ok.  I told him that this was one of many issues for me.  He laughed and continued on.

A train came on A1 and I tried to get on it.  However, it didn't go to Glenside.  Fuck.  So I waited a few more minutes for the next train to come.  This was the one.  I sat close to a dad and his daughter.  The daughter was so funny with her Northern accent and Charms blow pop stuck in her ponytail.   They kept me amused during my train panic and asked where I was going.  They had just moved from New York to Pennsylvania.  I told him I was going to Glenside and he grew up in Glenside.  He told me he would make sure I got off on my stop.  Whew.  Thank God I keep attacking these people into informing me when my stop is.

I made it to my stop and got off.  I had met the guy who was picking me up before but couldn't put a face to the name.  However, there were not too many people there so I knew who it was!  He was so nice for picking my stranded ass up and taking me home.  I made it home, dragging my 50 pound luggage up the two flights of stairs.  I called Katy Anne and she had finally made it to Houston.  But her flight to Philadelphia kept getting delayed.  She was to arrive in Philadelphia at 2am.  This is going to be a long night.

I unpacked and started uploading my photos to my computer.  11pm hit and I started to get verrryyyyy sleepy.  I tried my hardest to stay up and left the house for the airport at 1am.  I got there and waiting in the parking lot for 20 minutes.  I feel asleep.  I get a call from Katy that she was ready to be picked up.  I found her and we embraced.  It was hard to be away from my roommate for almost two weeks.  We chit chatted on the way home and she informed me of all her flight drama.  We made it home where we both crashed.  

It was hard to be back in Philly because being in Texas made me realize how much I actually did miss it.  Family and friends.  Thinking about missed opportunities in Texas was overwhelming but I do not regret moving to Philly.  I'm up here for myself and no other reason.  Time to do damage.

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.  General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that.  It seems to me that love is everywhere.  Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

-Prime Minister played by Hugh Grant in Love Actually

Flight Cancellations & Bad Pick-up Lines

Monday, December 27

So I awake from my drunken slumber around 10:30am.  I waltz into my mom's room to check my flights.  For shits and giggles.  I check my Atlanta to Philadelphia flight and it is MAGICALLY NOT CANCELED ANYMORE.  Frick.  My flight from DFW to Atlanta leaves at 12pm.  And I'm in my pajamas, unpacked, still drunk from the night before.  Houston, we have a problem.

I try calling Delta again.  And again, I get the same automated message.  I try to change my flight online and they want me to pay $500.  No thanks.  So mom and I decide to get dressed and go up to DFW.  I throw my stuff in my suitcase, brush my teeth, put on deodorant and we head out the door.  Oh and I put on a bra.  And pants.

We get to the airport and get in the Delta line.  And when I say, Delta line, I mean the longest line in history that is not moving.  At all.  Meanwhile, I realize how intoxicated I am still from the night before.  And I'm in the line from hell.  With my mother.  Holy shit.  I need a sedative.

We watched the Delta workers come in and out of the 'back room'.  There would be two workers working at the counter, AT A TIME.  What the fuck are the other workers doing?  Taking a fucking lunch break?

After an hour and a half and some swaying/almost vomiting into my carry-on, we made it to the front of the line.  I tell the Delta woman my situation and at first she didn't say much.  I felt screwed.  My mom was going to have to buy my drunk ass another plane ticket home because I'm retarded.  At first, she told me the first flight she could put me on was Thursday.  Then she found something for me on Wednesday.  She printed off my boarding passes and told me not to lose them because if I did, I would have to buy another plane ticket.  Whew!  I did not have to buy another plane ticket, just an exchange.  Thank the flight Gods.

We made our way back to the vehicle and back to Fort Worth.  I asked mom to take me to Freebird's because it was hangover lunch time.  FEED ME A BURRITO STAT.

After we got our burrito on, we headed back to her house.  I immediately 86d the bra and pants.  Hit the couch with my blankey.  Hard.  I planned on spending the majority of my day on that couch, watching tv.  I found Celebrity Rehab and realized it was going to be a good day.  Mom was playing sudoku next to me and watching the show occasionally.  I informed her that one girl on the show was one of Tiger Woods' mistresses.  She replied with: "Oh ya, Rachel Uchitel?  And Janice Dickinson is a mess."   Oh snap.  Mom knows more about Celebrity Rehab than I do.  It's officially the apocalypse.  I'm beginning to see what my mom has been doing with her retirement...

My Chili's friend Yajaera text me asking if I still wanted to do dinner at her house that night.  Oh shit.  Apparently I made dinner plans last night.  One of many things I don't remember saying...  We made plans for the night, I dragged myself off the couch and into the shower.  I got ready and headed over to Yajaera & Aaron's house near Lake Worth.  I picked up my part of the 'making dinner' night.  Beer.

Yajaera & Aaron's house is super cute!  I'm so happy for them even though they are an old married couple.  Yajaera's brother and girlfriend were there.  Also, Yajaera's cousin Alma and her on/off boyfriend Nick came as well.  Yajaera made tacos and they were amazing!  After watching some Monday Night Football, Yajaera decided that we needed to go out.  We went to a bar around Ridgmar area.  They had a band playing upstairs but it had a $10 cover so we decided against it.  We kept to the downstairs area where it was pretty dead.  We had a nice time catching up.  Wasn't the get-crazy-night we had originally in mind but it was a great night anyway!  After we got back to their house, I hopped in the Buick and headed back to North Fort Worth.  

Tuesday, December 28

This being my last full day in Texas, I decided to visit my grandmother and then go to Dallas to visit my sister/niece and my friend Stephanie.  However, first I needed to go to the eye doctor and fix this right eye situation I've got going.  For the last few months, I've been wearing my glasses all the time because my eye doctor gave me the wrong prescription contact in my right eye.  So time to fix my Cyclops self.  My days of driving with my right eye closed are done.

After my eye doctor appointment, I met Darrelyn at McAlister's so she could join me on my day driving around DFW.  Even though McAlister's got rid of the one thing I have eaten there since Day 1 of McAlister's coming into my life.  Fuck you McAlister's.  

Darrelyn was nervous about driving in the Buick.  But I didn't want to waste her gas so I insisted on taking the Love Machine.  We made our way to South Fort Worth to visit my grandmother.

Darrelyn was a big fan of the ghost radio.  She would turn it up a little bit then it would start blasting.

It started raining so I used the windshield wipers for the first time.  I was nervous.

We got to the rehab facility in one piece.  My mom and grandmother love Darrelyn and were more excited to see her than me.  My grandmother was in her wheelchair which was a good sign.  She seemed to be doing better.  After a visit, we headed down the road to Dallas.  

We arrive at my sisters to hang out for a bit.  My niece was in full-force crazy mode as usual.  After a visit and my sister calling me out on my huge forehead (thanks bitch), we headed to Uptown to visit Stephanie.  Stephanie was hanging out with another old Carino's alum Alex.  We get to Primo's to find Stephanie & Alex has already enjoyed a few happy hour margaritas.  Darrelyn and I immediately jumped into the fun.  Stephanie, Alex & I all caught up on old A&M college stories.  We even made a chart of all of our Carino's hook ups.  Some lists impressive, some not so much.  And many we'd like to forget altogether.  But that's college for ya.

Darrelyn and I decided it was time to head back to Fort Worth before it got any later.  So we said our goodbyes and hit the road.  

Scared?  You should be.

We got back to Fort Worth and headed to Boston's because it was Tuesday $2 you call-its.  Even though it was busy, we still managed to steal a table.  After a couple minutes, some random dude asked if he could sit with us.  We said sure and kind of ignored him at first.  He began talking to us, telling us that he was staying at a nearby hotel and that he fixed Air Conditioners.  Please, lets get married.  Now.

He began to hit on me a little too much.  He payed for our bill (even the food that Darrelyn and I ingested in front of him - not offering him any).  He asked us to go back to the hotel with him to swim.  I said: "I don't swim".  He said, what about the jacuzzi?  I said: "I don't do bathing suits".  

Stranger, I'm not coming back to your 'hotel' with you so you can hit me in the head with a brick and bury me in the closest ditch.

After he FINALLY left, Darrelyn and I stayed for a couple more beers.  We then decided to call it a night and parted our separate ways.  Darrelyn said 'bye' and headed to her car.  I said "Bitch!  I'm not going to see you again."  She laughed and said she forgot.  I made her give me an emotional hug.  Time to go home and pack for my plane trip the next day.

"Checking your label.  Just as I thought!  Maaaade in heaven..."

-Doug Butabi played by Chris Kattan in A Night at the Roxbury