A Bachelorette Extravaganza

Saturday, December 18th

Things were packed, weather was good, work was finished.  It's TEXAS TIME BABYYYY!!!  The day had finally come and by day, I mean 4am when my roommate Katy took me to the airport to make my 6am flight.  She is an amazing roommate to say the least.  We get to the airport and the line at Delta is somewhat long.  I'm waiting in line for about 10 minutes when a lady came by and asked me if I had payed for my checked luggage yet.  I replied no because I thought that was the line I'm in.  Turns out you have to check yourself in and pay for your checked luggage.  Then wait in another line to get your boarding passes and turn in your checked luggage.  Um, what?

So I pay for my luggage and get back in the original line as she announces if anyone is on the 6am Memphis flight.  I raise my hand as she motions me to move to the front of the line.  Great.  I'm at the airport for 20 minutes and I'm already that jackass that is not going to make their flight and has to cut everybody.  I did one of these shouts "Sorry, I don't fly a lot" as I got my boarding pass, checked my luggage and walked to security.  Security was a breeze the whole trip for me.  Granted I'm not wearing a turban or look like I'm packing serious heat.  So I was happy taking off my boots, jacket and underwear (don't ask questions, TSA regulations).

I arrived at my gate with time to spare.  Boarding commenced shortly as I was in Zone 3 which means the back-ass part of the plane.  Turns out I was correct as I boarded the plane and found my seat in the very back row next to a lady in her 40s.  So this means when this plane crashes, I'll be separated from the front of the plane and land on a different part of the island.  I'll rediscover the front of the plane weeks later but they will think we are a group of natives to the island known as "the others".  Wait, that's the plot of Lost Season 2.

As we were waiting for take off, I started to get one of my infamous hot flashes.  And a slight bit of panic on the side.  The flight attendant (PC term) came by and made a comment of how extremely hot is was in the tail-end of the plane.  Everyone else agreed - thank goodness I wasn't the only one!  She also informed us that the flight wasn't full and there were open seats at the front where it was cooler.  The lady next to me made a bolt for it.  I was going to go too but I'd rather have no one sitting next to me so I could spread eagle my legs if I wanted to.  Or do flips.

I'll say one thing for Delta, they gave me a complimentary drink and snack for all four flights I was on.  I don't think you could say that for other flight companies.   Especially a flight that is only a couple hours long.  So Delta gets a plus 1 in my book.  

The flight took off and I took turns trying to nap on Bari's pillow that I was carrying or reading The Duchess by Amanda Foreman.  The flight went relatively quickly as I landed in the tiny airport that is Memphis around 8am.  I made it across the one terminal to my other flight to DFW.  Everything was on time, good to go!  Made it to DFW safe and sound as I made my way to baggage claim.  Bag has arrived - whew!  That is my worst fear - losing my luggage.  Called my sister and she was just arriving!  Perfect timing.  Got to see my sister and niece who has grown so much since I last saw her.  And she was a snotfest.  But at least she has a little more hair...

We made our way to Fort Worth to see my mother and grandmother.  They asked me what I wanted to eat and I responded with: "Mexican. Duh."  So we went to the closest place to her house which is On the Border.  Do we have those in Pennsylvania?  Yes.  Oh well...

I get a call from Katy who says they're flight got canceled and they were stuck in Dallas for the night.  Dallas??!!  Well, Bari's bachelorette party is going to be in Dallas tonight!  Perfect!  Time for a surprise of epic proportions!   We conspired and conspired our secret surprise.  It took everything out of me to not say anything to Kellen.  Especially with her threatening our friendship.  She's scary.

So we made our way back to my moms house so I could make my vehicle change.  My grandmother let me use her car while I was in Texas because she hasn't been using it lately.  Since she's 99.  She doesn't cruise a lot anymore.  I feel like I shouldn't even describe the car, a picture alone should explain it:

How am I gonna attract a guy in this thing?  Not only is it covered in AAA insignia, notice the Jesus fish in the back.  I don't think the radio has ever been turned on except by me.  I turned it on and found it had a volume fluctuation problem.  One minute it's silent, the next its BLARING.  Oh Buick Century, you silly bitch.  At least I have my grandmother's handicapped sign.  In case of an emergency.

Made my way to my sisters through DFW traffic (which I have not missed) where Kellen picked me up so I didn't have to pay for parking at the hotel.  We did a running embrace, one of our classics.  It was so amazing to see my old college roomie.

After a Sonic stop, we made our way to our hotel off of Harry Hines (where the hookers are, I'm at home).  We got to our room where I found a note on the door for me from Bari.  It was a sketch of myself taking a Lemon Drop shot as I slowly throw it up.  Let the Bachelorette Night begin.

I walked into the room to find Bari sitting right by the door underneath a bedspread.  What a creep.  I gave her a big bear hug and then finally met their friend Kristi.  It was nice to finally meet a face to all the stories I have heard of her and her babies!  I immediately popped the champagne and got the party started.  I jumped in the shower to gear up for the night, champagne in tow.  Ever have a champagne shower?  Not quite as good as a beer shower but does the job all the same.  

We spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready for the night.  Bari wanted it to be a sequin themed night filled with her favorite - gaudy jewelry.  I came prepared with a couple different sequin options.   I put on my first outfit and was one of the first dressed.  My top was a sequined tiger.  Meoowwwwwww.  But then for shits and giggles I tried on my second top which Kellen told me was much cuter.  Even though it matched hers but NOT TECHNICALLY THE SAME!  We're twins.

We all got ready and walked down to meet our cab to take us to the restaurant called Iron Cactus.  It was a Mexican Grill & Bar and was off of Main Street downtown Dallas.  The downtown area was really cute with Christmas lights.  We got to the restaurant early and they told us to wait at the bar for our table to be ready.

Here is the MOH Kellen and the Bride-to-be Bari

They all ordered there girly drinks as I ordered my usual beer.  Kristi had brought her video camera which meant bad news.  

Roomies 4 eva

Our dinner was great but we all got super full.  The girls made a rule to not talk to there significant others the whole night - especially the bride-to-be.   Well that won't be hard for me since I'm dying alone.

Here is her last chance talk with Chad.  

After dinner, we made our way down the street to a bar called Penguin.  Perfect.  We got our drinks and hung out towards the back of the bar.  Kellen and I immediately notice the beer pong table.  It was on.  All of our beer pong games from college flashed back to us.  Kellen and I ARE the best beer pong players on the planet.  We end each score with a chest bump.  I was secretly texting Katy and her flight had finally arrived in DFW.  I told her where we were and she said she was going to meet up with us.  However, the airline lost her luggage (my biggest fear) and she was stuck in tights, a sweatshirt and no makeup.  I told her it didn't matter and to get her ass to Penguin.  We made friends with a group of older cholo's in the bar.  A couple of them challenged us to beer pong but had never played before.  So Kellen and I talked them through it.  And subsequently kicked there ass.  All of the sudden I look over and hear Bari yelping.  I told Kellen to go over there, that the surprise had arrived!

Hugs, Kisses & Bawling Bitches

The cholo's bought a few of us a round of shots.  First a cholo bought Bari a shot called Penguin pee.  Which she said wasn't bad.  Then they bought her Penguin poo.  Which she said was terrible.  Interesting.

Our Aggie pose with honorary Aggie Kristi

We decided to let the bar hopping begin.  As we left, Kristi thought it would be a good idea to video tape us walking down the stairs to the bar exit.  Katy volunteered to video us.  Bari & Kellen were in front and Kristi & I were in the back.  Let me preface this moment with this.  I was sick for over a week with the flu before I came to Texas.  And at this moment, I still had a bit of a flem situation, crusty nose and chapped lips.  Well, right as we were going down the stairs, I had a cough up flem moment.  What was I to do?  I'm not swallowing mucus.  So I spit it on the stairs.  

Classy? No. Disgusting? Yes. Do I care? Absolutely not.

We made our way to three different bars that were near us.  All of which with velvet ropes.  Not really my scene.  We tried to get into the first two and they turned us away.  Then the last one, I had about enough as I hoped the velvet rope to talk to someone.  Some dude freaked out on me and said to never "jump the rope".  I told him to "blow me" as we hailed a cab back to Uptown.  Time to dance.

We arrived at a bar named Manhattan thanks to my bestie Lizz who recommended us there.  The huge bouncer was happy to see us and welcomed us with open arms.  We walked up the steps but I went the wrong way around the bouncer and almost fell of the steps as the doors swung open.  The bouncer picked me up like a rag doll and swung me the right way.  Thank you 400 pound man.  I did my "SHE'S GETTING MARRIED" scream as we entered the nearly empty bar.  It was still early for partying apparently.  Not for us.  We made a B line straight for the bar.  Ordered our drinks.

This is what Bari likes to call the point of no return.  Katy is asked her if she has ever had Sweet Leaf Tea Vodka.  Welcome to the black out phase of the night everyone.

And Kellen's excited.

*Notice weenie dog fox with Santa hat on.  It's Christmas time.

After we received our drinks, we made our way down to the empty dance floor.  Did that stop us?  Never.  We made our requests and dance dance revolutioned on the dance floor.  We requested Hey Ya! by Outkast because Bari calls it her 'booty shaking song'.  

Kristi got the video camera out.  As with the digital camera, the video camera helped us put the pieces of the night together.

Notice how Bari is only wearing a veil to show people she is a bride.  We also had diamond stickers and buttons that had little sayings on them.  My diamond sticker said: "Try! I'm easy!" (no one tried) and my button said: "Always a Bridesmaid" (I am).  Bari is a no-penis-paraphernalia type bride.  Thank goodness, I'm that way too.  I hate that shit.  Please, don't make me a penis cake.  Or balls.  They make me nervous.

Bari's purple sweater had come off.  It's officially go time.  Also, notice how Kellen is double fisting.  We all participated in that kind of frivolity.  As Kellen said, "It was a party".  Here is how I chose to roll:

The beer is gracefully chilling in the corner of my purse.  That's where I put my back-up all night.  1 beer in hand, 1 back-up in purse.  It would of only been better if my Coach purse was also a cooler.  But we can't have everything.

Here is a photo of "the four".  I have absolutely no idea why Kellen, Katy & I are crouching and making those faces.  Suffice to say, Bari didn't receive the memo.  Damn Sweet Leaf Tea Vodka.

Here are some photo's of Bari getting bachelorette crazy:

Believe me, there are too many pictures of Bari & I being ridiculous.  However, this is one of my favs.  Because we, as always, are equally disgusting.

The Four again.  I am so thankful that I attended Texas A&M and decided to apply at Carino's.  I have met the three best friends ever.  They're loyal, supportive, beautiful and amazingly thoughtful.  I want Jesus over for dinner to thank him.  But better believe that he is bringing dessert.

So Bari is placing a magnum condom in her shirt.  Now I don't know if she found it on the ground or someone gave it to her.  Like I said, black out phase.  However, there are at least 15 pictures of us and this condom.  It was a party.

This is an amazing friend that goes by the name Elizabeth Lizz Peach Lizzle Glomb.  She is also engaged!  I was so glad she came out because she leaves for Tokyo soon and I won't see her until she gets back in April which is ironically when I'll be back in Texas for Bari's wedding.  I am a very lucky girl.  Sometimes.  Wait, I have the worst luck ever.  

WHAT'S HAPPENING??  Lizz come back!

Who's buying me a ticket to Tokyo so I can go visit her?

Unlike Bari & Kellen, I refused to take my shoes off in the bar.  Which is really weird for me because I usually could care less.  However, I was being stubborn even though I was miserable.  I had to pee so I decided to go to the bathroom to take a break.  By break, I mean that I went into the stall, peed, then just chilled there for a while.  There was a line.  I didn't care, my feet hurt and I was tired.  I finally got up and left to find Kristi & Kellen chilling outside the stall trying to cut the line.  Kellen was pretending to be vomiting so they could skip to the front of the line.  Smart bitches.

I went off to find Lizz again.  I found her and we decided to go grab more drinks.  We went back up the stairs but I got up the stairs alone.  I looked back to find Lizz no where.  Seconds later she found me to tell me that she had fallen up the stairs.  And no one helped her.  They just stared.  Oh, Uptown.

Now here is a guide to taking off a stranger's shirt in a bar.  

Step 1.

Snap off pearl snaps and approach from behind slowly taking off the collar as someone else distracts him (thanks Kristi and Kellen).

Step 2.

 Continue to rip his shirt off with fervor.

*Notice how I am wearing my engagement ring from when I was engaged and my 'diamond' bracelet from my Junior Prom.  Yup.

Step 3.

Take shirt off with teeth.

This is the last shot of the night.  I know this because there are no other shots taken on my camera.  I'll tell you why.  Later.  Not too long after this, we decided it was time to call it a night.  We walked out to hop into a cab.  Someone was hitting on Lizz and Kristi proceeded to tell them that she would beat them  up if they messed with her anymore.  Lizz said, "I believe her".

The only thing I remember with the cab driver that he was younger, foreign and had longer hair.  The only reason I remember that is because Kellen was sitting behind him playing with his hair the whole trip home as we jammed to G6.  By the way, a G6 is a jet.  I googled it.

We finally made it back to our hotel.  I vaguely remember tackling Bari outside the elevator but am not sure if that actually happened.  I do remember Katy & I getting into an argument with our hotel room neighbor.  She decided to come out to tell us to be quiet and that people were trying to sleep.  Katy told her repeatedly that she only gets married one and to go back into her room.  I'm pretty sure I told her to "shut the fuck up".  I'm really surprised she didn't call the front on us.  KICK US OUT, TRY IT.

After some of the ladies got nauseous, I realized that I didn't have my camera.  I panicked and tried retracing my steps in the hotel.  No luck.  Frick.  I was the only person that took pictures because Kristi's camera wasn't working.  Oh well, nothing to do about it then.  Katy left not too soon after she was playing mom to all of us.  She had a plane to catch.  In a couple hours.  I found out later that she could not hail a cab.  So she walked halfway to her hotel and the other half she got a ride from a bouncer.  On Harry Hines.  Good God.

The next morning was rough for some of us.  However, Bari & Kellen do not get hangovers so they were fine.  I hate them.  Kristi & I spent the majority of our time throwing up.  However, it was time to check out so Bari gave me a Dillards bag and we headed out the door.  The sisters wanted Genghis Grill (shocker) so we GPS'd it to the closest location.  After lunch, they took me back to my sisters.  Kell & Bari came inside for some quality Cate time.  We hung out for a little bit but they had to hit the road.  

It was a bachelorette success and triumph!  Even though I had lost my camera.  Kellen found our cab driver's card in her wallet at lunch (?) so Bari gave Abed a call.  He looked for it in his cab but couldn't find it.  We called the bar and they did not have a camera turned in.  Did I leave it in the bathroom while I was taking my break?  WHY LAUREN, WHY?  Blacking out is dangerous.

However, I called the bar again on Monday because I just KNEW it had to be there.  They said that someone had called up there and that they had found a camera!  I WAS ECSTATIC!!  He gave me this girl's number and so I proceeded to call her leaving a message.  Her name was Kim and she called back asking me what kind of camera it was.  I told her and she said she had it!  She asked me if we all were wearing sequins or something...  I laughed and said it was the theme of the bachelorette party.  I asked her where she found it and she said she was walking and found it in the middle of the street.  Ah, fuck.  I must of dropped it between the exit of the bar and the cab.  Which was literally 8 feet.  I'm a train wreck of epic proportions.

Again, I am so lucky.  But this luck's got to run out soon...

"Hello.  How 'bout that ride in?  I guess that's why they call it Sin City.  You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner.  I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.  But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own.  And my wolf pack...it grew by one.  So there...there were two of us in the wolf pack...I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later.  And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?"  And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.  Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine.  So tonight, I make a toast!"

-Alan Garner played by Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover

Parades, Women's Shelter & Chinese Food = Thanksgiving 2010

Well Thanksgiving for me this year was not typical.  I did not spend it with my sister's family and my father in Texas.  I missed my wondrous turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole and homemade rolls that my sister makes so beautifully.  Finished off by my sister's chocolate pie that usually goes MIA because I take it to a bedroom where I polish it off by myself.  Directly out of the pie bowl, no plate needed.  It is always a Thanksgiving tradition.  That dinner will be postponed until Christmas when I will be in Texas (14 days!!!).  Because it is my favorite dinner of the year and I WILL get what I want (said in my toddler voice).  

So this year Jonathan, Katy and I decided since none of us really 'cook' that we would do something atypical.  We decided to start the day in downtown Philadelphia where the Thanksgiving Parade will be happening.  Katy had never seen it and is as it turns out, is obsessed with parades.  Then, thanks to Heather, we volunteered at a Women's Shelter in preparation for their Thanksgiving feast.

We woke up bright and early to leave the house by 6:45am to make the train (SEPTA) into the city.  I was promised a hoagie and coffee so we ran (literally) to Wawa before our train visit.  If I am promised a hoagie, I get my hoagie.  

Our train was running late of course.  So we waited and waiting in the cold, dreary day.  I looked across the street to find this building:

It was a sketchy building like many of the buildings around Philly.  I looked a little closer to find writing on one of the walls:

I'll keep that in mind scary, abandoned building that houses crack addicts.

No windows? Perfect. Boarded up? Even better.

I would ask where I sign up but that is explained by the writing and arrow.  You sign up right after the raping and pillaging that occurs after you walk through the door.  Oh, Philadelphia.

I have yet to ride the Philly public transportation so I was really excited for experiencing it for the first time.  Finally it arrived and we hopped on with the 5 million kids waiting on the platform.  Apparently, we were not the only people with the idea of going to the parade.  Except we didn't have any kids.  Just Katy.

I jumped on the train to find it as I expected.  It smelled exactly like urine.  Ohhhh public transportation.  Never lets you down.  We payed our roundtrip tickets and waited for our stop at Suburban station.  I demolished my hoagie within seconds as fellow passengers looked on.  Stop judging me and my hoagie!!  If only I was at the gym (judgement free zone)...

We got off at Suburban station and made our way to where the parade was going to be.  There weren't an enormous amount of people there.  We found a spot on the sidewalk where we set up our blankets.  Some people came by handing out small American flags.  I quickly found my quote of the day before the parade started - it was "IT'S A THANKSGIVING MIRACLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  Naturally Katy chimed in and this was repeated throughout the day.  I feel bad for the people sitting around us...

Excited for the parade to start!

There were police stationed throughout the parade.  They were there for crowd control and to make sure no one tackles Elmo, Bert or Ernie.  This is the one that was standing next to our group:  

Fellow Living the Dream follows, meet the most useless cop in Philadelphia.  He just watched as people stood in front of us and ruined the parade for others.  He was about as useful as tweezers are to men over the age of 60.

The parade was starting!!  Silly me thought that the Philadelphia parade was going to be really hardcore. Like the Macy's day parade but not as much.  Oh, how I was wrong.  Really wrong.

The parade started with some vehicles from Ford.  Other than IKEA, it seemed that Ford was also sponsoring the parade.  Apparently they were promoting Ford via 1997 according to this photo:

You are really going to start your parade with a 1997 white Ford Mustang convertible with a couple cheerleaders sitting on it?  Oh, lets stick an American flag on it.  That will make it better.  Are you fucking kidding me?  The parade had officially started.

There was a long delay after this Mustang had putted off.  This became a theme of the parade.  Have something shitty go by.  Wait 20 minutes for the next shitty thing to come.  Did I enjoy every minute of it?  Yes.  Being the jackass I am, I filled the empty moments with my jackass comments.  The people around me seemed to enjoy it.  The lady next to me later told me I made the parade more bearable for her.  Well at least someone thinks I'm funny.  IT'S A THANKSGIVING MIRACLEEEE!!!!!

This was the first of many 'inflatables'.  We were sitting right by a corner where the parade turned left.  However, the stop lights were a little too low for 97.5% of the inflatables.  So the carriers or pushers, as I called them, had a tough time with this turn.  So hilarity ensued.  The carriers or pushers of the inflatables were all wearing onesies.  Why onesies?  I have no fucking clue.  They decided to jazz up the onsies by wearing some form of hat or wig.  The Turkey's pushers opted for cowboy hats.  This turkey was probably my favorite inflatable.  Because it has one of its feathers up in a #1 fashion.  It is saying, "Hi, its Thanksgiving, I'm a turkey and I'm #1".  How lovely.  Thank you inflatable turkey.

Now this lady had no teeth.  And I'm pretty sure she wasn't in costume.  I think this is how she looks in her day-to-day life outside the parade.

I also had a clown with an ugly bright orange wig come up to our group, point me out and say, "Well, her hair might be more orange than mine!"  I was so speechless that nothing came out of my mouth.  Everyone around me was shocked and just made awkward "I feel bad for her" noises.  After he hoped off, I gained my composure and yelled, "WELL F YOU CLOWNNNN!!!" as I waved my American flag.  Fucking clowns.

This was the second most exciting part of the parade:

IT'S BRANDY!!!  Half-singer of The Boy Is Mine and sister to STD having Ray J.  Katy yelled "Happy Thanksgiving!!" and Brandy yelled back to her "Happy Thanksgiving!"  So Katy and Brandy are friends now.  I love that Brandy was riding on the 'Hess' float.  I guess ABC couldn't shell out a float for her for Dancing With the Stars.  So she'll promote gas instead.

Several different high school marching bands from across the country were in the parade.  Most of their outfits were disgusting.  A lot of feather hats or themed costumes (like Scottish kilt outfits or capes).  A lot of these poor band mates uniforms did not fit them.  Thus, high waters galore:

It reminded me of playing basketball in Middle School.  They had used the same uniforms for the last 10 years and only had one size for the whole team - Small.  These uniforms gave the most extreme camel toes*.  Not attractive when you are shooting hoops.

*(Sorry I don't have a picture of me playing basketball in middle school, they are in storage in Fort Worth.  I know you all were hoping to see me with a camel toe.  Maybe next time followers.)

After seeing the first band, following them were their accompanying drill team dancers .  Lets face it.  You know that when you were in high school, that the drill team was composed of a bunch of weirdos.  Lets face it, times have not changed.  You don't see the drill team members on Glee, do you?  Cause they are sad, sad people.  So lets just say that the drill team members outfits were TERRIBLE.  So Katy and I tried to spot out the worst of the bunch.  Lots of velvet and sparkles.  Thus, vomit.

This was following another group of clowns.  Its one of those small weird trucks that is yellow.  And they decided to attach multicolored dots all over it.  And put a large patio umbrella in the bed of it.  And a couple of clowns were hanging out of the sunroof waving.

Umm, what?

This was following not to far behind the dotted yellow truck.  My brother-in-law has a similar vehicle.  Except his isn't multicolored.  And does not have a red nose attached to the front.  I like how they jazzed up this vehicle with flags.  God Bless America.

Overall jorts? Patches sewed on? Different style socks? Yellow top hat attached to red curly wig?

No problem.

Here are the winners of the "Worst Drill Team Outfit".  Notice the high water, camel toe purple velvet onesie outfit.  Yuck.

Now the next sequence of photos might frighten you.  It involves Elmo.  And a lamp post.  

Adults, cover your children's eyes.

Elmo made the corner but his left eye hit the light pole.  Hard.

Elmo couldn't handle the hit.  He continued down a falling spiral to his death.

Notice the child in the left hand corner.  Note her frightened, hysterical look?  Or was she just looking at me because I was JACKASS LAUGHING?

We have an Elmo down.  I repeat, an Elmo is down.

Don't worry kids, this story ends with a happy ending.  The carriers of Elmo get him back on his feet and he is ready to continue.  Until he hits the next lamp post and is deflated.

Elmo can't live forever.

Now here is Goofy.  Goofy was very excited to see the crowd.  However, he had a very extreme fupa.  Now ladies and gentlemen if you don't know what a fupa is, it stands for a "Fat Upper Pelvic Area".  It's disgusting.  And Goofy suffers from a serious one.

Did I chant "FUPA" repeatedly?  Yes.

Now here is the best part of the parade!!!  BUT IT'S BLURRY!  Damn my camera! I was too excited!!

It's Meredith from The Office!  Her real name is Kate Flannery and she was born in Philadelphia.  She is a former member of the Second City National Touring Company but now is mostly known for The Office.  Meredith and Creed are my favorite characters from the show.

Who could forget when she asked Jim to sign her diaper cast:

I would of signed it.

Or the tiny dress she wore for a casual day that either showcased her vagina or boobs:

Cause Meredith wears zero underwear.

Or the booze cruise:

Where she hooked up with the cruise director (hilarious Rob Riggle) and came out with no top on but only a life saver over her tits.

Or her last Halloween costume:

She looks exactly like Anna Paquin.

I mean, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard than I did during a Benihana Christmas where she not only lit her hair on fire because she was so wasted but she also flashed Michael in his office when everyone left.  And Michael didn't say anything but take a picture of her and walk out.  Comedy.

Now back to the parade:

Some snow men and Eagles cheerleaders.

And wouldn't you know it, it started to snow!  The first time (and only time) that is has snowed in Philadelphia since I moved up here!

Now here comes another inflatable.  It was a snowman but it got hooked on the infamous light pole.

And for the finale of the parade, SANTA!  This was the best picture I could get because by that time, all these fuckers were standing in front of me.  Rude.  But I will say this.  Santa is like baby crack to kids.  They love that chubby rosie cheeked man.  That pretends to bring them presents through chimneys.

After Santa deuced out, everyone jetted off.  And to Philadelphia style, this is what the street looked like afterward:

Philadelphia is the trashiest city every.  City of Brotherly Love?  Try City of Trash.

After this, we started walking to our next destination.  Jonathan had looked up the shelter's address and it was a few walking blocks away.  We were volunteering at a Women's Shelter for a few hours and I knew lots of stories were ahead for us...  However, I started to notice that the street numbers were not going our way. We hailed a cab and gave him the address.  Turns out we were many miles away and the shelter was far north Philly - in Olney.  So in true fashion, we were going to be late.

We finally get to the shelter and get signed in around 11:15am.  We get taken to the room where all the women eat and were introduced to Charles who was cooking all the food.  However, dinner was not until 4pm.  We were signed up for the 11:15am-1pm shift so there was not a lot for us to do.  We were not allowed to help cook (liability reasons) so we just helped clean and get ready for the dinner.  There was another girl our age and her mother who were also volunteering.  She was interning with a movie starring Jason Statham (Transporter, The Italian Job) that was shooting in Philadelphia.  I was super jealous because he is gorgeous!  We spent most of the morning drinking water coffee and sitting around.  A women showed up and became very interested in us.  At first, I did not know if she was also volunteering or involved in the shelter.  She asked us the usual stuff - where we were from and what we went to school for.  Jonathan informed her that he was in seminary school so naturally, she decided to argue with him about the Bible.  Then she found out that I was a history major so she decided to talk with me about who really discovered America.  Then later she cornered Katy and argued Psychology with her.  So this lady was not happy with anything we had to say.  Turns out she was involved with the shelter because she had been through a bad marriage.  I had made some silly jackass joke about Al Gore early in the conversation during the discussion of how Columbus did not discover America (don't ask me how those connect).  Later Jonathan informed us that she had mentioned tho him how people that make comments about certain things, like Al Gore, are all going to hell.  Not a Thanksgiving holiday until someone says that I'm going to hell.  Certainly not the first or last time someone has said that about me.  As Kathy Griffin said when she was told that she was probably going to hell - she said that she would probably see some of us there and that we'll get down to hell and say, "It isn't even that hot".

After leaving the shelter, we headed back to the train to take us back to Glenside.  When we get home, we ordered Chinese and turned on the heat because it was chilly!  After destroying some Chinese food, we took a cat nap before the A&M vs Texas game started.

We went and watched the game at a local bar.  I picked out a corner of the bar where we watched the game.  

I was ready!  Gig em!!

MHL in hand, its game time.

Here are some highlights:

Us sacking Gilbert.

Cyrus Gray DOMINATING.

A&M sawing those horns off after our 24-17 win over TU!!

After a fun filled day, it was bedtime for us.  Great day full of parades, Meredith from The Office, being told that I was going to hell, Chinese food and ending with a TU ass whoopin'.  

Thanksgiving 2010.

"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life.  I'm going to take a stand.  I'm going to defend it.  Right or wrong.  I'm going to defend it."

-Cameron Frye played by Alan Ruck in Ferris Bueller's Day Off