Wilmerpenis

I am an avid lover of People Magazine because it keeps me up to date on not just my celebrity friends but "normal" people as well.  However, going through the photos of what random celebrities are up to these days, I scanned over a photo that caught my eye.  It was of Wilmer Valderrama and his latest girlfriend.  It then hit me like a wave of bad perfume. BAM.  Why in the world does Wilmer Valderrama date so many women?  What in the world do people see in him?  Is it as his sexy persona from That '70s Show? (If you didn't note the "sexy persona" sarcasm, please acknowledge it now).  Or from...., wait.  He literally has not done anything else worth noting.  Ever.  So again I ask, why Wilmer ladies?

That '70s Show aired in 1998 and his first girlfriend in early '98 was Christina Milian.  They only lasted two months.  She was 17 and he was 18.  Just a couple kids exploring each others ethnicities.

Next on the list was Ms. Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Now I could write a completely different blog entry about her relationships.  She's been around the block a couple times but that is because she brought bedazzling the vagina mainstream.  Thanks, Jennifer.  Us girls really want to spice up that area down there with sticky gemstones.  Good one.

They dated in late '99.  They also partied like it was 1999.

Prince.  Anyone?

Third on the list was Mandy Moore.  This was Wilmer's first public girlfriend from what I can remember of the early '00's.  They dated off and on for two years.

His most publicized girlfriend came next in May 2004. Double L herself, the infamous Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay turned to girls after Wilmer.  

She was 17.  Ew.

Ashlee Simpson was the chick on Wilmer's arm in January 2005.  Wilmer told Howard Stern that she was loud in bed.  I wonder if she was lip syncing in bed as well...

Wait, that is not Ashlee.

Here she is.  Looks pre-nose job.

I think Avril Lavigne used Wilmer as a rebound after she divorced her punky band husband.  It only lasted two months in 2009.

She is still with Brody Jenner.  I think they should do an MTV reality show together called Keeping Up With Washed Up Punk Stars.  I would TOTALLY watch it.  Right after Khloe and Lamar.

Right before I swallow my vomit, next Wilmer dated Demi Lovato from May 2010 to January 2012.  I'm sure this relationship helped her depression instead of hurting it.  What is up with Wilmer and the youngsters???  Likes 'em in training bras.

Or sweat pants.

Wilmer is currently dating Minka Kelly, ex of Derek Jeter.  Derek to Wilmer?

Why.  WHY?  How in the world does Wilmer pull all these beautiful ladies?

The answer is simple.  Wilmer has an extremely large penis.  Really big.

It sure isn't from his show Yo Mamma.

"You know, I'm gonna be a great big bright, shining star."

-Dirk Diggler played by Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights

Hockey Is a Sport

So I've been introduced to many new things by my boyfriend but as a lover of sports, one has stood out above the rest.  It is called "hockey". 

Other than The Mighty Ducks Trilogy (yes, even the 3rd movie), I don't know jack shit about hockey.  I know that you use a stick to get a puck into a goal.  Ice is the stage.  And that "knucklepuck" shots are hard to miss.

And Emilio Estevez will lead you to victory.

At first, I was very adamant about liking hockey.  I am the type of person that at 27 years of age, I am a 100% sure I already knows my likes and dislikes.  I don't like to try new things.  Like seafood.  Please stop trying to get me to like fish or shrimp.  I don't like it. I never will. It smells like something that has been rotting on the ocean floor for the past 20 centuries.  Because it has.  I'll stick to beef and chicken.  Cows and chickens are friendly.  And have legs.  Thus, I'll eat them happily.

However, after watching months of hockey, I have become slightly obsessed.  Players beat the shit out of each other.  And the referee's let them do it.  It's utterly bizarre.  It's like Fight Club except on ice, less secretive and Brad Pitt's absent.

Like my boyfriend, I have become a huge Philadelphia Flyer's fan.  They have a long history of badassness.  They acquired the name "Broad Street Bullies" during the 1972-73 season and later brought the Stanley Cup to Philadelphia in 1974 for the first time.  The won again that subsequent year in 1975 but have not one again since.  

I got to attend my first Flyer's game with Teghen in March.  

He geared me up in a jersey that he owned.  It was an XL and I looked like I was carrying triplets in it.  However, I wore it proudly.  Attending the game was a completely different experience than watching it on tv.  Hearing the puck hit the walls and slap off sticks was incredible and heart pumping.  

We won the game!  As a last ditch effort, sometimes loosing teams will choose to bench their goalies in an attempt to add an extra skater to achieve a last-minute goal.  It is called an "empty net".  However, that can back-fire when the winning team gets the puck and heads down the ice for an easy score.  This is what happens to fans when this occurs:

The amount of chins and thumbs-ups that are happening here are frightening.  I know ladies, back off.  He's mine.

I took Katy Anne to a game a week later and we had a blast.  There was a lady standing behind us who was a Flyers fan but it still did not stop her from yelling at the flaws of her own team.  However, we deduced that she was standing the whole time because she was too large to actually fit in her seat.  We spent most of the time drinking, walking around and taking ugly pictures in our seats.  Here are a few to enjoy:

 I call this one my Billy Bob Thornton Sling Blade face.

Thoughts? Questions? Comments?

I think if I didn't pencil in my eyebrows, this facial expression would be less effective.

Again, we won and had a blast.  It was a good ladies night out for us!

I am still learning a ton but it is exciting to learn and love something completely new.  Following the teams and players is going to make watching the Olympic hockey games more exciting.  "Hey, I know that guy playing for the U.S.S.R." will most likely come out of my mouth at some point.

The Stanley Cup playoffs are currently in the works and the Flyers have already beat off the heavily favored Pittsburgh Penguins in the first round. So if you are watching, keep the Flyers in your prayers and watch a little of the game.  You'll be surprised at how addicting it is.  It you hate it, then turn the channel back over to TLC.  You seem like that type anyway.

Oh, and as an extra bonus.  Black people DO play hockey.  On ice.  Proof:

And you just thought it was Kenan Thompson. It's knucklepuck timeeeeee!!!!!!!

"Neither do hockey players.  Have you guys ever seen a flock of ducks flying in perfect formation? It's beautiful.  Pretty awesome the way they all stick together.  Ducks never say die.  Ever seen a duck fight? No way.  Why? Because the other animals are afraid.  They know that if they mess with one duck, they gotta deal with the whole flock.  I'm proud to be a Duck, and I'd be proud to fly with any one of you.  So how about it?  Who's a Duck?"

-Gordon Bombay played by Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks

Oscars 2012

I know my award show posts have been yawners for some people.  I'll try to compromise and keep it short and simple.  Let's talk, err write, fashion.  I'll do my top 5 and be done with it.  

Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton.

Reddish pink color that was divine!!

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace.

Loved everything about this dress, even her slutty leg.

Especially when Jim Rash made fun of her.

Jessica Chastain in Alexander McQueen.

Always loving a McQueen.

Milla Jovavich in Elie Saab.

Loved the texture and design of this dress.  Good job Milla.

Ellie Kemper in Armani Prive.

Stunning hair and jewelry.  A+ Bridesmaid.

As for the Oscars, I thought they were a bit of a yawn.  Highlights were Meryl Streep being humble and precious, Angie's leg and lots of boobies.

And an ode to my girl Kristin Wiig for being nominated for writing:

"I put a loaded gun in Dougie's carry-on, the TSA is going to just rip his ass apart." 

-Megan played by Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids

Pretend Like I Have Not Been Blogging for Months...

For those of you who missed my blogging, I am deeply sorry.  The cleaning and working at Roadhouse got too much for me.  I think I was delusional thinking that I could work 70 hours a week...  Then I got really sick which in turn, made me a depressed red-headed freak show.  But then something amazing happened...

I met a boy.  You say, whaaaa????  Lauren isn't a lesbian????  Why yes my little minions, I actually have managed to keep a man around for almost 8 months now.  Which beats my longest relationship of 3 months in the ass.  His name is Teghen and my dad thinks he looks like Russell Crowe.  Let's go with that.

Anyone think so?  Anyone?  When I told Teghen that my father said he looked like Russell Crowe, he responded with: "Well, it better only be from Gladiator because that movie is badass."  

Yes.  Yes.  You look like a Roman general from AD 180.

As you can imagine, we make quite the pair.  He keeps me somewhat sane during my anxious fits and I tell him what to do.  It's perfect.  In all seriousness, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Other than meeting the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with - here is a quick yet grand summary of what I have been up so since March 2010:

In late April, at 99 years old, my grandmother went to heaven.  She was a constant in my life and one of the strongest women I know.  She is deeply missed but I know she is looking down on me daily.

In August, I traveled to Austin, Texas for a multitude of reasons.  The first was to celebrate my college roommates bachelorette party in fashion.  She wanted us all to wear wigs.  Well, here is the result.  I looked like Bobbie Sue trailer trash drunk off of box wine.  And now I completely relate with Whitney Houston's wig/weave sweating issues.  

During the week, Shayla traveled to Austin to pick me up and take me to Port Aransas for a best friend extravaganza.  It started with a flat tire and ended with no third-degree burns.  We stayed near the beach, made burritos and cuddled while watching Cedar Rapids.

We then traveled back to Austin to visit the world famous cat, Domino.  It was the first time I have seen him in years.  He was still the same ole cat.  Weighing at a built 20 pounds and whining like a bitch.

The week concluded with my MOH duties to my bestest friend Lizz.  She married the wonderful man Casey Hill on August 27, 2011.  

They are currently lost in North Dakota.  If seen, kidnap and return to Texas immediately.

Next on the list was a trip to the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee.  Katy Anne & I traveled outside of Knoxville to Kellen & Mike's wedding weekend of bliss.  Other than drinking beer, we did outdoorsy activities like above.  Holy zip-lining.  I can check that one off my bucket list.  Look at that face of terror and fear.  Never again.  

Along with my fellow Aggies, I got to see the beautiful Kellen marry Michael.  I am so glad she decided to include us on this special day.  It was a wonderful weekend with family and friends.  And booze.

In Philadelphia Thanksgiving fashion - Jonathan, Katy Anne & I attended the Philly Thanksgiving Parade.  We brought along first-timer Teghen to the event where we saw the shit like above.  Always a good time.  I'm going to miss this Thanksgiving tradition.  Teghen & I concluded the day with having dinner with his mother and step-father.  I was so pleased that they included me and that I passed the girlfriend/family test. 

In December, we took our Christmas trip to NYC.  The roommates, Teghen & I enjoyed window shopping and dinner-n-drinks.  This picture encompasses our relationship.  I'm talking nonsense and Teghen just stares at me with no emotion.

During Christmas time, I traveled to Texas where I got to see my niece run around the living room 40 times at great speed.  She got a ton of useless crap and I got to spend time with my crazy family.

New Years Eve was spent at Texas Roadhouse.  With 20 minutes to spare, Teghen & I drove 80 mph to arrive at a house party 10 minutes before midnight.  We watched the ball drop in NYC on tv, kissed and then I got tackelled by a dog.  Fell on the ground and split champagne all over myself.  

In January, Teghen & I ventured to North Carolina for my lovely college friend Keri's wedding.  Teghen spent the majority of the time in the Days Inn Airport as I floated around town doing my bridesmaid duties.  He is quite the trooper.

February came and I had a lovely birthday and Valentines day.  Teghen gave me a beautiful pearl drop necklace, roses and a real rose dipped in 24K gold and re-painted red/green to look like a real rose.  Very thoughtful since red roses are my favorite flower!

GORGEOUS!

We also went to the Dallas Mavericks and Philadelphia 76ers basketball game.  After a lot of screaming, the Mavs pulled out with a win!  

Now March is vastly approaching.  Time does fly.  Jeez I'm good with words.

I wanted to keep this first blog back nice and short.  Just wanted to tell the world that mamas* back.  

*(By mama, I am referring to myself**).

**(I am not pregnant, I am just using mama like I'm here to take care of my internet public.  Like I gave birth to you.  Abandoned you.  Now I'm back and trying to repair our relationship).

"So it's not gonna be easy.  It's gonna be really hard.  We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.  I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

-Young Noah played by Ryan Gosling in The Notebook

2011 Oscar Fashions

Here are my favorites - enjoy fashionistas:

Busy Phillips (Michelle Williams' date - they are besties) in ?? (Not a designer name - cannot find who she was wearing, ugh).

Love the hair/make-up and the GORGEOUS earrings.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana.  Some critics weren't a fan of this but I thought it was gorgeous!  Love the burgundy color and lace.  But not a fan of the hair.

Love the back!  Reminded me of my friend Megan's wedding gown!

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Haute Couture.  Amazing.  No words.  And that hair.  So cute.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott.  This dress photographed blue but looked more purple on the television.  Either way - love the color and structure of the dress.  However, was not a fan of the necklace.  Thought it was a little too much.  But when is $1,350,000 worth of jewelry too much?

Halle Berry in Marchesa.  Loved the dress from head to toe.  The color was stunning on Halle.  Even though she could go anywhere nude because she literally has the MOST beautiful skin in the solar system.  The 10-carat earrings were nice too.

Mila Kunis is Elie Saab.  The lavender on Mila was the most beautiful color of the night.  The dress was a tad bit showing but was stunning and fit Mila perfectly.  I also loved the hair and the stunning earrings.

Reese Witherspoon (my twin) in Giorgio Armani Prive.

This actually looks a lot like my Junior prom dress.  This one is just not from David's Bridal and is 1,000 times more elegant and form-fitting.  Not a fan of the fake blonde hair clip though.  Could of done without it Reese.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere.  Love the feathered train and different coloring.  The top was structured and eye-stopping.  Loved the hair but could of done without the hair clip she wore.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein collection.  I absolutely love the color, sleek dress, make-up, jewelry and hair style (simple and elegant).

"If the wind can do it, then we can do it."

-Nonnie Parker played by Reese Witherspoon in A Far Off Place