Parades, Women's Shelter & Chinese Food = Thanksgiving 2010

Well Thanksgiving for me this year was not typical.  I did not spend it with my sister's family and my father in Texas.  I missed my wondrous turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole and homemade rolls that my sister makes so beautifully.  Finished off by my sister's chocolate pie that usually goes MIA because I take it to a bedroom where I polish it off by myself.  Directly out of the pie bowl, no plate needed.  It is always a Thanksgiving tradition.  That dinner will be postponed until Christmas when I will be in Texas (14 days!!!).  Because it is my favorite dinner of the year and I WILL get what I want (said in my toddler voice).  

So this year Jonathan, Katy and I decided since none of us really 'cook' that we would do something atypical.  We decided to start the day in downtown Philadelphia where the Thanksgiving Parade will be happening.  Katy had never seen it and is as it turns out, is obsessed with parades.  Then, thanks to Heather, we volunteered at a Women's Shelter in preparation for their Thanksgiving feast.

We woke up bright and early to leave the house by 6:45am to make the train (SEPTA) into the city.  I was promised a hoagie and coffee so we ran (literally) to Wawa before our train visit.  If I am promised a hoagie, I get my hoagie.  

Our train was running late of course.  So we waited and waiting in the cold, dreary day.  I looked across the street to find this building:

It was a sketchy building like many of the buildings around Philly.  I looked a little closer to find writing on one of the walls:

I'll keep that in mind scary, abandoned building that houses crack addicts.

No windows? Perfect. Boarded up? Even better.

I would ask where I sign up but that is explained by the writing and arrow.  You sign up right after the raping and pillaging that occurs after you walk through the door.  Oh, Philadelphia.

I have yet to ride the Philly public transportation so I was really excited for experiencing it for the first time.  Finally it arrived and we hopped on with the 5 million kids waiting on the platform.  Apparently, we were not the only people with the idea of going to the parade.  Except we didn't have any kids.  Just Katy.

I jumped on the train to find it as I expected.  It smelled exactly like urine.  Ohhhh public transportation.  Never lets you down.  We payed our roundtrip tickets and waited for our stop at Suburban station.  I demolished my hoagie within seconds as fellow passengers looked on.  Stop judging me and my hoagie!!  If only I was at the gym (judgement free zone)...

We got off at Suburban station and made our way to where the parade was going to be.  There weren't an enormous amount of people there.  We found a spot on the sidewalk where we set up our blankets.  Some people came by handing out small American flags.  I quickly found my quote of the day before the parade started - it was "IT'S A THANKSGIVING MIRACLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  Naturally Katy chimed in and this was repeated throughout the day.  I feel bad for the people sitting around us...

Excited for the parade to start!

There were police stationed throughout the parade.  They were there for crowd control and to make sure no one tackles Elmo, Bert or Ernie.  This is the one that was standing next to our group:  

Fellow Living the Dream follows, meet the most useless cop in Philadelphia.  He just watched as people stood in front of us and ruined the parade for others.  He was about as useful as tweezers are to men over the age of 60.

The parade was starting!!  Silly me thought that the Philadelphia parade was going to be really hardcore. Like the Macy's day parade but not as much.  Oh, how I was wrong.  Really wrong.

The parade started with some vehicles from Ford.  Other than IKEA, it seemed that Ford was also sponsoring the parade.  Apparently they were promoting Ford via 1997 according to this photo:

You are really going to start your parade with a 1997 white Ford Mustang convertible with a couple cheerleaders sitting on it?  Oh, lets stick an American flag on it.  That will make it better.  Are you fucking kidding me?  The parade had officially started.

There was a long delay after this Mustang had putted off.  This became a theme of the parade.  Have something shitty go by.  Wait 20 minutes for the next shitty thing to come.  Did I enjoy every minute of it?  Yes.  Being the jackass I am, I filled the empty moments with my jackass comments.  The people around me seemed to enjoy it.  The lady next to me later told me I made the parade more bearable for her.  Well at least someone thinks I'm funny.  IT'S A THANKSGIVING MIRACLEEEE!!!!!

This was the first of many 'inflatables'.  We were sitting right by a corner where the parade turned left.  However, the stop lights were a little too low for 97.5% of the inflatables.  So the carriers or pushers, as I called them, had a tough time with this turn.  So hilarity ensued.  The carriers or pushers of the inflatables were all wearing onesies.  Why onesies?  I have no fucking clue.  They decided to jazz up the onsies by wearing some form of hat or wig.  The Turkey's pushers opted for cowboy hats.  This turkey was probably my favorite inflatable.  Because it has one of its feathers up in a #1 fashion.  It is saying, "Hi, its Thanksgiving, I'm a turkey and I'm #1".  How lovely.  Thank you inflatable turkey.

Now this lady had no teeth.  And I'm pretty sure she wasn't in costume.  I think this is how she looks in her day-to-day life outside the parade.

I also had a clown with an ugly bright orange wig come up to our group, point me out and say, "Well, her hair might be more orange than mine!"  I was so speechless that nothing came out of my mouth.  Everyone around me was shocked and just made awkward "I feel bad for her" noises.  After he hoped off, I gained my composure and yelled, "WELL F YOU CLOWNNNN!!!" as I waved my American flag.  Fucking clowns.

This was the second most exciting part of the parade:

IT'S BRANDY!!!  Half-singer of The Boy Is Mine and sister to STD having Ray J.  Katy yelled "Happy Thanksgiving!!" and Brandy yelled back to her "Happy Thanksgiving!"  So Katy and Brandy are friends now.  I love that Brandy was riding on the 'Hess' float.  I guess ABC couldn't shell out a float for her for Dancing With the Stars.  So she'll promote gas instead.

Several different high school marching bands from across the country were in the parade.  Most of their outfits were disgusting.  A lot of feather hats or themed costumes (like Scottish kilt outfits or capes).  A lot of these poor band mates uniforms did not fit them.  Thus, high waters galore:

It reminded me of playing basketball in Middle School.  They had used the same uniforms for the last 10 years and only had one size for the whole team - Small.  These uniforms gave the most extreme camel toes*.  Not attractive when you are shooting hoops.

*(Sorry I don't have a picture of me playing basketball in middle school, they are in storage in Fort Worth.  I know you all were hoping to see me with a camel toe.  Maybe next time followers.)

After seeing the first band, following them were their accompanying drill team dancers .  Lets face it.  You know that when you were in high school, that the drill team was composed of a bunch of weirdos.  Lets face it, times have not changed.  You don't see the drill team members on Glee, do you?  Cause they are sad, sad people.  So lets just say that the drill team members outfits were TERRIBLE.  So Katy and I tried to spot out the worst of the bunch.  Lots of velvet and sparkles.  Thus, vomit.

This was following another group of clowns.  Its one of those small weird trucks that is yellow.  And they decided to attach multicolored dots all over it.  And put a large patio umbrella in the bed of it.  And a couple of clowns were hanging out of the sunroof waving.

Umm, what?

This was following not to far behind the dotted yellow truck.  My brother-in-law has a similar vehicle.  Except his isn't multicolored.  And does not have a red nose attached to the front.  I like how they jazzed up this vehicle with flags.  God Bless America.

Overall jorts? Patches sewed on? Different style socks? Yellow top hat attached to red curly wig?

No problem.

Here are the winners of the "Worst Drill Team Outfit".  Notice the high water, camel toe purple velvet onesie outfit.  Yuck.

Now the next sequence of photos might frighten you.  It involves Elmo.  And a lamp post.  

Adults, cover your children's eyes.

Elmo made the corner but his left eye hit the light pole.  Hard.

Elmo couldn't handle the hit.  He continued down a falling spiral to his death.

Notice the child in the left hand corner.  Note her frightened, hysterical look?  Or was she just looking at me because I was JACKASS LAUGHING?

We have an Elmo down.  I repeat, an Elmo is down.

Don't worry kids, this story ends with a happy ending.  The carriers of Elmo get him back on his feet and he is ready to continue.  Until he hits the next lamp post and is deflated.

Elmo can't live forever.

Now here is Goofy.  Goofy was very excited to see the crowd.  However, he had a very extreme fupa.  Now ladies and gentlemen if you don't know what a fupa is, it stands for a "Fat Upper Pelvic Area".  It's disgusting.  And Goofy suffers from a serious one.

Did I chant "FUPA" repeatedly?  Yes.

Now here is the best part of the parade!!!  BUT IT'S BLURRY!  Damn my camera! I was too excited!!

It's Meredith from The Office!  Her real name is Kate Flannery and she was born in Philadelphia.  She is a former member of the Second City National Touring Company but now is mostly known for The Office.  Meredith and Creed are my favorite characters from the show.

Who could forget when she asked Jim to sign her diaper cast:

I would of signed it.

Or the tiny dress she wore for a casual day that either showcased her vagina or boobs:

Cause Meredith wears zero underwear.

Or the booze cruise:

Where she hooked up with the cruise director (hilarious Rob Riggle) and came out with no top on but only a life saver over her tits.

Or her last Halloween costume:

She looks exactly like Anna Paquin.

I mean, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard than I did during a Benihana Christmas where she not only lit her hair on fire because she was so wasted but she also flashed Michael in his office when everyone left.  And Michael didn't say anything but take a picture of her and walk out.  Comedy.

Now back to the parade:

Some snow men and Eagles cheerleaders.

And wouldn't you know it, it started to snow!  The first time (and only time) that is has snowed in Philadelphia since I moved up here!

Now here comes another inflatable.  It was a snowman but it got hooked on the infamous light pole.

And for the finale of the parade, SANTA!  This was the best picture I could get because by that time, all these fuckers were standing in front of me.  Rude.  But I will say this.  Santa is like baby crack to kids.  They love that chubby rosie cheeked man.  That pretends to bring them presents through chimneys.

After Santa deuced out, everyone jetted off.  And to Philadelphia style, this is what the street looked like afterward:

Philadelphia is the trashiest city every.  City of Brotherly Love?  Try City of Trash.

After this, we started walking to our next destination.  Jonathan had looked up the shelter's address and it was a few walking blocks away.  We were volunteering at a Women's Shelter for a few hours and I knew lots of stories were ahead for us...  However, I started to notice that the street numbers were not going our way. We hailed a cab and gave him the address.  Turns out we were many miles away and the shelter was far north Philly - in Olney.  So in true fashion, we were going to be late.

We finally get to the shelter and get signed in around 11:15am.  We get taken to the room where all the women eat and were introduced to Charles who was cooking all the food.  However, dinner was not until 4pm.  We were signed up for the 11:15am-1pm shift so there was not a lot for us to do.  We were not allowed to help cook (liability reasons) so we just helped clean and get ready for the dinner.  There was another girl our age and her mother who were also volunteering.  She was interning with a movie starring Jason Statham (Transporter, The Italian Job) that was shooting in Philadelphia.  I was super jealous because he is gorgeous!  We spent most of the morning drinking water coffee and sitting around.  A women showed up and became very interested in us.  At first, I did not know if she was also volunteering or involved in the shelter.  She asked us the usual stuff - where we were from and what we went to school for.  Jonathan informed her that he was in seminary school so naturally, she decided to argue with him about the Bible.  Then she found out that I was a history major so she decided to talk with me about who really discovered America.  Then later she cornered Katy and argued Psychology with her.  So this lady was not happy with anything we had to say.  Turns out she was involved with the shelter because she had been through a bad marriage.  I had made some silly jackass joke about Al Gore early in the conversation during the discussion of how Columbus did not discover America (don't ask me how those connect).  Later Jonathan informed us that she had mentioned tho him how people that make comments about certain things, like Al Gore, are all going to hell.  Not a Thanksgiving holiday until someone says that I'm going to hell.  Certainly not the first or last time someone has said that about me.  As Kathy Griffin said when she was told that she was probably going to hell - she said that she would probably see some of us there and that we'll get down to hell and say, "It isn't even that hot".

After leaving the shelter, we headed back to the train to take us back to Glenside.  When we get home, we ordered Chinese and turned on the heat because it was chilly!  After destroying some Chinese food, we took a cat nap before the A&M vs Texas game started.

We went and watched the game at a local bar.  I picked out a corner of the bar where we watched the game.  

I was ready!  Gig em!!

MHL in hand, its game time.

Here are some highlights:

Us sacking Gilbert.

Cyrus Gray DOMINATING.

A&M sawing those horns off after our 24-17 win over TU!!

After a fun filled day, it was bedtime for us.  Great day full of parades, Meredith from The Office, being told that I was going to hell, Chinese food and ending with a TU ass whoopin'.  

Thanksgiving 2010.

"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life.  I'm going to take a stand.  I'm going to defend it.  Right or wrong.  I'm going to defend it."

-Cameron Frye played by Alan Ruck in Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The Judgement Free Zone

It has happened.  It's the apocalypse.  It's official.

I have joined a gym.

It is called Planet Fitness and is a pretty laid back gym.

Yup, the motto is "the judgement free zone".  So I've decided to say, when anyone looks at me or even glances at me, I respond with, "Stop, this is the judgement free zone".  Suffice to say, I have alienated several people at the gym.  Some of my friends have met guys at the gym.  I figure this is never going to happen for me because either most of the guys are married or are what I call 'gym rats'.  Gym rats spend 5-6 hours out of there day at the gym.  The have no jobs.  No lives.  It is there hang out.  Like Sonic is to high schoolers.  Also, I always look my worst at the gym so no one in there right mind is going to want to tap this:

But I'll keep my options open.

The gym is your typical set-up.  Upstairs is a stretching area with ellipticals/treadmills and some weight equipment but no tvs.  To the immediate right of the entrance is the area I have chosen to name: "Steroid Use Area".  This area is strictly for the hardcores.  All the different sized dumbbells and intense weight lifting mechanisms are there.  I don't even step into that zone because there are a massive amount of judgers.

I stick to this area:

It has a line of several treadmills then another line in front of it with ellipticals and biking machines.   These lines are in front of about fourteen tvs.  The channels are the locals (FOX, ABC, NBC & CBS), then ESPN and CNN.  Also, the Food Network is on two tvs.  Which I find bizarre.  I guess for some people it is motivation.  For me, it just pisses me off.  I don't want to be running while I watch Paula Dean eat a stick of butter.  That is not my idea of fun.  So that channel makes me irritated.  They also have a "Pizza Monday" at my gym and a "Bagel Breakfast".  What's the point of going to the gym when you are going to be eating a New York slice while biking?  To each his own.

I usually go to the gym after I get off work (10pm-12am).  However, one time I ended up going to the gym after I had dropped Katy off at the airport early one morning.  I got to the gym around 8am and found that the gym had transformed to ELDERLYVILLE.  Old people left and right.  But they are not necessarily working out, its like social hour.  The girls are all huddled up at the bike machines while the guys are at the weights.  It is the most bizarre thing ever.  All the treadmills have mirrors behind them on the walls.  I was running on the treadmill as I looked up to the second story to find a Pa staring at the mirror, watching my ass.  THIS IS A JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE SIR.  It is also a elderly creep-free zone.  That's just not in the brochure.  So if you are over 60 and are looking for some action.  Head to Planet Fitness between the hours of 6 and 11 am.  Canes and walkers welcome.

I was on the elliptical Tuesday night watching North Carolina play Illinois on ESPN.  When I looked over at the tv next to it which was playing the 2010 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.   What better motivation while working out than to see a bunch of skinny bitches in lingerie?  I was hooked. So here is a rundown of the show - it was excellent.  The actual runway show took place November 10th in New York City.  The show is neat because it shows the behind the scenes as well.  It gives you the feel of it being live.  Even though it's not.  And heavily edited.  Oh well.  Also, I am not the best person to go to when it comes to fashion so check out my friend Lizz's blog for anything and everything about fashion - it is TERRIFIC!

Here is what the stage looked like.  The place was housed with the usual celebrities: Vin Diesel, Adrian Grenier, Malin Akerman, Hilton sisters, Gerard Butler, and Tyson Beckford to name a few.  Also Maroon 5's Adam Levine and King's of Leon frontman Caleb Followill in attendance (both have girlfriends on the runway).

Here is my first favorite outfit modeled by Alessandra Ambrosio.  She is a 29 year old Brazilian model (Italian and Polish descent).  Most of her work has been with Victoria's Secret and she was the first spokesmodel for there "PINK" line.  Aside from modeling, she is an ambassador for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.  She is a contracted "Angel" and has been doing the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show since 2000.  She has one daughter (born 2008) with her fiance, California businessman Jamie Mazur.

My next favorite outfit is modeled by Candice Swanepoel.  She is a 22 year old South African model.  Candice has done many covers (Vogue, Elle), advertisements (Nike, Diesel) and runways (Tommy Hilfiger, Dolce and Gabbana).  However, she is best known for her work with Victoria's Secret.  She has been dating fellow model Hermann Nicoli since 2006.

Then they showed a video that showcased some of the view points of the models of there fellow Angel models.  Its where they compliment each other and say they wish they could be the other.  And blah, blah, blah.  When you know they can't stand each other.

Then Katy Perry came out and performed her latest single "Firework" (thus, the outfit):

She had some Victor/Victoria back up dancers behind her which were odd.  Personally, Katy Perry has one of the hottest bodies in celebritism right now.  So she can pretty much rock out any outfit she has on whether it's formal wear or a bikini.  Or this.  

Then Miss Candice Swanepoel herself did a little intro video.  I call it the "anticipation" video.  She just talks about how it feels moments before you hit the runway.  In her cute little accent.  Then, as if by magic, she starts down the runway.  Give these producers an Emmy people.  The theme of this next set of outfits was very 'country'.  Cue the country music.

I would never wear this outfit in the bedroom but it is pretty cool (said by Miley Cyrus on SNL).  However, I have absolutely fallen in love with this model, how cute is she?!?  Her name is Lindsay Ellingson and she is a 24 year old model from San Diego, CA (AN AMERICAN!).  She has walked in numerous shows (Chanel, Christian Dior, John Galliano, etc.).  Her campaigns include Moschino and Tommy Hilfiger.  She first walked for Victoria's Secret in 2007.  She was also chosen to be a spokeswoman for "Body by Victoria" alongside three other models.

I absolutely love this lingerie and would definitely wear it in the bedroom.  Even if it is by myself.  The model is Gracie Carvalho.  She is a 20 year old Brazilian model.  She has done a lot of Brazil work but is a newcomer to the States since 2008.  She has walked for Carolina Herrera, Ralph Lauren and Vera Wang.  She currently campaigns for Express, DKNY Jeans and Gap, to name a few.  She is expected to be one of the most sought after newcomers.

Next was a sports themed show with Lady GaGa's Bad Romance blasting.  In tow, several male dancers dressed up as gymnasts.  It's go time.

I wasn't so much for the awkward soccer ball look.  But for the one in it, another favorite model!!!  Her name is Behati Prinsloo and she is a 21 year old Namibian model.  She was discovered in a South African supermarket by a photographer.  Next thing she knew, she was doing a shoot in London becoming a model.  She has been on the cover of Italy's Muse magazine and the British Telegraph Magazine.  Her ad campaigns include Chanel, H&M and Hugo Boss.  She started doing the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2007 and has been doing print work for PINK.  Before becoming a model, she was going to be a marine biologist (don't they all?).  She has been in a long term relationship with fellow model Jamie Strachan.  

I thought this lacrosse outfit was uber cute.  It is modeled by Shannan Click who is 27 year old American model from San Dimas, CA (do you think she knows Bill & Ted?)  She is also stunning.  Add her to the list of my favs.  Her first big modeling gig was with GUESS?  She has walked for Alexander McQueen, Prada and Miu Miu.  Her most recent ad campaigns have been with Pepe Jeans, GAP and Tommy Hilfiger.  

Then there was a video of the history of Angel wings.  In which, Chanel Iman BAWLED when she got to try on her wings for the first time.  Someone just shoot me now.  It was followed with her walking the runway as Akon hit the stage performing his latest single "Angel".  How cute.

Now I'm not a huge fan of Akon.  It stems from when I saw him in concert on a Spring Break South Padre trip in college.  He fell off the stage and lost his microphone, yet his music was still coming out of the speakers perfectly...  Ummmm, what could of happened?!?  Akon could not of been pulling an Ashlee Simpson?  Oh yes he was:

Here is a picture of him from the South Padre concert.  Sorry the quality isn't great.  I was far away and it was night thus the blackness.  And well Akon is, um, very black.  But he's wearing a white shirt so it makes it easier to spot him.  This was right before he took off his shirt, dry humped a girl on stage and then fell off the stage.  Oh South Padre...

This was by far my favorite of the 'Angel' outfits.  And the shoes, LOVE.  It is modeled by Anja Rubik who is a 27 year old Polish model.  She was introduced to modeling while attending a British high school in Paris.  She began her career soon after graduating high school and has graced many covers.  She has modeled for many designers such as Oscar de la Renta, Calvin Klein and Louis Vuitton.  She started doing the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2009.  Check out the wings from the back:

GORGEOUS!

Candice again, she has legs that go on for days.  And huge boobs.  Bitch.

Now the next show was themed 'Wild Things'.  Things are about to get... wild.

Alessandra again.  Love the gold with the black and white.  And the cuffs, cute!

There was another huge peacock inspired wing outfit that followed later but I love this one 10 times more.  The combination of the lingerie with the gold necklace turned headpiece is stunning.  The gold with the exotic blue and green colors are magnificent.  This is modeled by Erin Heatherton, a 21 year old model from Skokie, Illinois.  She was discovered on a beach while vacationing in Miami.  I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me while vacationing in Port Aransas.  Too many times to count.  She has walked for Diane von Furstenberg and modeled for Caroline Herrera, Michael Kors and Alberta Ferretti.  She has done the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show since 2008.  She has been in the VS SWIM Catalog and ads for "Body by Victoria".  

Then some scary looking male dancers doing animal moves came out and took over the stage.  Go away dancers, I'm here for a Victoria's Secret runway show.  Take your grunting and animal face paint elsewhere.

To finish the show, was the PINK line.  It housed Katy Perry singing a collection of her songs starting with my personal fav, 'Teenage Dream'.  Don't ask me why I am obsessed with this song, it is embarrassing.

First off was Behati again.  Not only do I love the lingerie but I just love the Pink line.  It's so cute, colorful and true to Victoria's Secret.  Yay rainbows!

This was so simple but I love the undies, bag and sparkly shirt! LOVE PINK!  The model is Constance Jablonski who is a 20 year old French model.  In 2010, she was named as one of the faces of Estee Lauder. Prior to becoming a model, she wanted to be a professional tennis player and played competitively for nine years.  She has walked to Dior, Burberry and Alexander McQueen.  She has done ad campaigns for Hermes, Nine West and Tse.  

Then there was the finale as all of the 34 models hit the runway as bubbles and multi-colored balloons consumed the place.  Great show as I am pounding it out on the elliptical.  Crying.  Because I will never look like that.  All I have to look forward to is Planet Fitness' Pizza Monday.

Katy and Akon get there applause as they bow to the crowd.  

Who needs Heidi Klum?  These girls have got it.  

See you next year!

Hopefully with the judgement free zone, I'll be 20 pounds lighter.  Or heavier.  We'll see.

"Actually, I have been trying this new fat free diet I invented.  All I've had to eat for the past six days are gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns."

-Romy White played by Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion