Celebrity Bartender

Being back in Philadelphia has been hard - facing reality and getting myself back into my routine.  I e-mailed my friend in New York the information about my headshots and have been waiting to hear back from her.  Work has been mostly the same EXCEPT for the fact that I've been suspended for a week with one shift.  Suspended you say?  Oh, yes.  I have been suspended from waiting tables.  I'm in hell.

Ever heard of a 'shopper'?  Well a shopper is a person that comes into a restaurant undercover.  Like an undercover cop but way less cool and they don't have there own tv show.  They have a checklist of all these things they are supposed to look out for or ask you.  Well, I get back to work last Wednesday to open the restaurant.  I find out that I had been shopped that previous Monday.  On my part, I got an 86%.  They said that I wasn't at the table within 45 seconds (it was a Monday night - other than staring at my tables all night in hopes that someone would fucking come in the door, I wasn't doing much else so that's bullshit).  They also said I didn't mention aspects of 'our story' to them (ummm, I say the same thing to all my tables).  In summation, they instituted a new rule in January.  The rule is if you get less than a 90% on a shop (if you miss more than one thing), then you'll get suspended for a week with only one shift.  So I get back to Pennsylvania, with not working for 2 weeks, and I'm not allowed to work for a whole week.  

Holy fuck balls.

As much as I love being away from that place sometimes, how am I supposed to get away with not working for one week?  I mean, I serve steaks and ribs for a living.  Give me a freaking break.  

The restaurant has not even opened and I'm already crying like a baby.  I started to have an anxiety attack.  My favorite.  I was thinking about everything - how am I going to make my bills?  Why won't that girl e-mail me back about my headshots?  I'm never going to get these headshots accomplished and done.  Therefore, I'm not going to start auditioning.  My grandmother isn't doing well.  What if I have to buy an emergency plane ticket back to Texas soon?  Why can't I even be happy at some silly waiting tables job?  I'm going to have to look for a new job but where to start?  Why doesn't anyone want to date me?  I'm a good catch, right?   No, I'm a Star Wars freak nerd.  What am I doing in Philadelphia?

Stop judging me.  I'm an emotional, anxious mess.  The answer to my insomnia is right there.  My head is thinking things like that ALL THE TIME.  Where's the switch off?

However, a friend came to me with a job opportunity.  She wanted me to take her celebrity bartending gig.  Celebrity bartending did you say?  Why yes.  It is where you go to a bar that you don't work at and bring in all your friends.  You don't really have to have bartending experience.  But you need nice boobs.  Well, I have those.

It was so nice of her to offer and at first, I kept declining it.  I felt terrible for taking it from her but according to my anxiety attack, my life was in shambles.  So I gratefully accepted.  

My friend came over a day later to help me pick out my bartending outfit.  After many costume changes, her and my roommate picked something cute/sexy out for me.  I was playing music and after the modeling had ceased, one of my favorite jams came on during the shuffle.  Chingy's Dem Jeans.  Yup, Chingy (real name Howard Bailey, Jr).  Chingy is a slang term for money.  He is a thug.  Anywayyyyyy, I LOVE that song and decided it was floppy wrists time (it was hard doing it without you Bari).  I was in my own world, floppin' wrists.  Left and right.  I got tired and stopped.  All of the sudden, I hear Katy and my friend BEGGING me to continue.  

Then I knew.   I was being videoed.  So I gave the crowd what they wanted and continued to floppy wrist dance all over the place.  After some sweet movies, my audience was dying with laughter.  Katy wanted to put it up on youtube immediately but I begged her not too.  I didn't want my braless and no make-up wearing self across the net.  Nobody wants that.  Especially Chingy.

But I suspect it's only a matter of time.  So if you see me on Ellen or Tosh.0, just click the channel change button.  And in advance, I'm sorry you are my friend.  Cause I'm hideous.

So last night was the actual celebrity bartending gig.  I went out to my car to leave and found it COVERED in snow.  It was defrost time.  However, I still don't have any tools to get the snow off my car.  Just a towel I got for Christmas that I have since named my 'snow towel'.  It is used to get the necessary snow off my car.  It is too much work to get it all off.  So all my windows were still covered except my front and side windows.  So I proceeded to drive to the bar.  Not knowing that having my back window covered was super illegal.  Since when do I obey the law anyways?

bartending experience so I do not know much about shot recipes.  He said that it didn't matter.  I said good because I was told I only needed a good pair of tits to celebrity bartend.  And I had that.  He nodded his head and continued to open the bar.  Uh, oh.  Could my humor be defenseless against this guy?  This could be a long night...

As I helped him set-up the bar, we got to know each other.  Seemed like a cool guy and I told him why I had moved up here (comedy, I think).  I mostly just stood around and watched him do everything.  He told me to not sell draught beer because it tasted like shit.  He showed me all the glassware and got to the martini glasses.  He said if anyone ordered a martini, they were an asshole.  I said my roommate might.  Then he showed me the more high-end liquor and said if anyone ordered it, to tell them to fuck off.  Again, I said my roommate might.  He told me how to work the cash register and what everything was priced.  The cash register was made in 1988 which I was used to from all my working years at the Austin City Limits Festival.  I had no problems with the register all night.  Except when I almost rang up $30,000 in bottled beers (thats 15,000 Miller Lights).  But Vince swung by to save me from my mistake (I got really nervous and my finger was shaking).

A few minutes later, my roommates showed up!  My first guests!  Katy ordered the usual Miller Light (no martini's or Crown on the rocks so I didn't have to call her an asshole OR to fuck off).  Jonathan was in a serious debate on what to order.  He first asked me what kind of scotch we had.  I laughed and called him 70 years old.  Then he was looking at our draught beers.  I told him that they didn't have anything he would remotely like AND that the draughts tasted like shit anyway.  So he ended up going with Tanqueray Tonic.  I can do that.

I noticed Vince pour himself a beer.  He walked up to me and told me that he had one rule.  If he's drinking a beer, I'm drinking a beer.  Uhhhh, I can handle that.

We chatted it up for a little bit waiting on other people to show up.  Katy said that several people from her work were coming!  My work friend who got me the gig and her friend Tracy arrived.  After getting settled, my friend got her phone out to take pictures of the occasion.  So I got prepared:

Sorry for the dark, graininess of it.

It is hard to tell but I'm holding a bar key in my left hand and a bottle of Kahlua in my right.  Notice how serious I am about bartending with that facial expression.  It's business time.  Bring your business socks.

Why grab Kahlua?  I dunno.  I figured grab the most ridiculous liquor that I will never use all night.  And we didn't.

People started showing up.  Several people from Katy's store showed up which was really nice since I've only met a couple of them.  Even my friend's boyfriend showed up!  He had to be up for work at like 4am!  It was so nice of him to come.  Everybody seemed to be having a good time.  Except Jonathan who was playing scrabble on Katy's phone all night.  But I don't blame him, not his scene.  

A guy I work with came which I thought was really nice.  He really didn't know too many people there and he ended up staying a while.  Vince called him 'quiet guy' which I thought was hilarious.  Everytime Vince would make shots, he'd look at me and say, "Make sure quite guy gets one".  Vince was worried about him and his well being.

Vince made complimentary shots for all the people who I knew that came up there.  Granted that wasn't TOO many people but nice all the same.  Jonathan decided to call it a night and Katy asked me if she could ride home with me.  I said of course and walked out of the bar to give them a big bear hug. 

The rest of the night went well.  Everyone seemed to have a great time.  One of Katy's coworkers that came seemed to stare at me the whole night.  He didn't say more than 10 words to me, other than saying he did not think I was funny.  He was there with a girl that I assumed was his girlfriend.  I didn't think anything of it other than I seem to only attract guys with wives or girlfriends.  Why can't a nice, sexy, SINGLE guy ever be interested in me?  WHY?!?  

Vince let people hang out well past 2am which was really nice.  I started saying my goodbyes to everyone, one by one.  

I tried to help Vince clean up but he wouldn't let me.  I said my thank yous and we both said our goodbye's as we walked out into the freezing weather.  Katy looked at my car and asked me if I knew that the snow on my car was illegal.  I replied with, "No! I'm not from here."  I asked her if we should swipe it off but she said it wouldn't matter.  We took a right to leave the parking lot of the bar as I see a cop to my left that has someone pulled over.  However, he immediately jumps back into his cop car to pull me over.  I tell Katy that I'm getting pulled over.  She asked me if I had anything to drink and I was like, "UH, YA".  AND all my car still has Texas stuff (inspection/registration) which is a big no-no if you actually live in Pennsylvania.  But Katy told me to tell him that I had just moved up there.  I get my license out and roll down the window, waiting for the cop to come.  He gets to my window with his hands in his pockets and yells, "PLEASE TELL ME YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER".  I decide to respond with what I think, is the funniest thing I have ever said in my life.  I point upwards and say in a sweet voice, "Is it the snow?"  He was like "YES!!!!!!" and starts to look over my car.  I tell him I have a 'snow towel' and ask if I can get out of the car to use it.  He says, "Please do".  He says that he is only worried about my back window as Katy and I start to clean it.  Me with my 'snow towel' and Katy with her mitten hand.  I profusely apologize and tell him that I just moved up here and was unprepared for the snow.  Which is half true.  He says, "Oh, you're from Texas?" to which I respond yes.  He hops back into his cop car while we're still shoveling snow off my car.  I tell Katy to get back in the fucking car because she looks like an idiot shoveling snow off with her hand.  And I look better, swiping snow off my a yellow towel.  The cop tells me not to worry about the rest and to turn my defrosters on.  I finish and get back in my car.  He zooms off and leaves us to our freezing hands.  Holy shit, I almost went to jail.  For too much snow.  And all Texas stuff.  And a couple beers.  Goo.

Katy proceeded to tell me about some of the conversations she had that night.  One of which was with that guy that didn't think I was funny.  Apparently, that was not his girlfriend and he was, in the simplest terms, in love with me.  In his drunken state, he asked Katy tons of questions about me and told her that I had a nice ass.  To which she replied, "Yes, she does."  Interesting...

We make it back home where Katy almost falls off our path and hurts one of her toes in the process.  She climbs into the house with the giggles.  I say, "Omg, I almost went to jail" and that sets her off.  She decides to have a 30 minute gigglefest.  I wasn't invited.

I made some cereal and got ready for bed.  I sent Katy to her room with the giggles knowing an asleep Jonathan was in for a treat.  I changed and finished my cereal watching the end of season 2 of the Jersey Shore.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen.  I finally caved into the Jersey Shore.  And I feel more stupid now.

All in all, I am so thankful that my friend let me celebrity bartend for her.  I met great people and had a good time.  Financially, it did not compete with missing a week of work but I would not of traded it for anything.  Well, except a million dollars.

"Most things in life, good and bad, just kinda' happen to ya'." 

-Uncle Pat played by Ron Dean in Cocktail