Oscars 2012

I know my award show posts have been yawners for some people.  I'll try to compromise and keep it short and simple.  Let's talk, err write, fashion.  I'll do my top 5 and be done with it.  

Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton.

Reddish pink color that was divine!!

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace.

Loved everything about this dress, even her slutty leg.

Especially when Jim Rash made fun of her.

Jessica Chastain in Alexander McQueen.

Always loving a McQueen.

Milla Jovavich in Elie Saab.

Loved the texture and design of this dress.  Good job Milla.

Ellie Kemper in Armani Prive.

Stunning hair and jewelry.  A+ Bridesmaid.

As for the Oscars, I thought they were a bit of a yawn.  Highlights were Meryl Streep being humble and precious, Angie's leg and lots of boobies.

And an ode to my girl Kristin Wiig for being nominated for writing:

"I put a loaded gun in Dougie's carry-on, the TSA is going to just rip his ass apart." 

-Megan played by Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids

Pretend Like I Have Not Been Blogging for Months...

For those of you who missed my blogging, I am deeply sorry.  The cleaning and working at Roadhouse got too much for me.  I think I was delusional thinking that I could work 70 hours a week...  Then I got really sick which in turn, made me a depressed red-headed freak show.  But then something amazing happened...

I met a boy.  You say, whaaaa????  Lauren isn't a lesbian????  Why yes my little minions, I actually have managed to keep a man around for almost 8 months now.  Which beats my longest relationship of 3 months in the ass.  His name is Teghen and my dad thinks he looks like Russell Crowe.  Let's go with that.

Anyone think so?  Anyone?  When I told Teghen that my father said he looked like Russell Crowe, he responded with: "Well, it better only be from Gladiator because that movie is badass."  

Yes.  Yes.  You look like a Roman general from AD 180.

As you can imagine, we make quite the pair.  He keeps me somewhat sane during my anxious fits and I tell him what to do.  It's perfect.  In all seriousness, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Other than meeting the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with - here is a quick yet grand summary of what I have been up so since March 2010:

In late April, at 99 years old, my grandmother went to heaven.  She was a constant in my life and one of the strongest women I know.  She is deeply missed but I know she is looking down on me daily.

In August, I traveled to Austin, Texas for a multitude of reasons.  The first was to celebrate my college roommates bachelorette party in fashion.  She wanted us all to wear wigs.  Well, here is the result.  I looked like Bobbie Sue trailer trash drunk off of box wine.  And now I completely relate with Whitney Houston's wig/weave sweating issues.  

During the week, Shayla traveled to Austin to pick me up and take me to Port Aransas for a best friend extravaganza.  It started with a flat tire and ended with no third-degree burns.  We stayed near the beach, made burritos and cuddled while watching Cedar Rapids.

We then traveled back to Austin to visit the world famous cat, Domino.  It was the first time I have seen him in years.  He was still the same ole cat.  Weighing at a built 20 pounds and whining like a bitch.

The week concluded with my MOH duties to my bestest friend Lizz.  She married the wonderful man Casey Hill on August 27, 2011.  

They are currently lost in North Dakota.  If seen, kidnap and return to Texas immediately.

Next on the list was a trip to the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee.  Katy Anne & I traveled outside of Knoxville to Kellen & Mike's wedding weekend of bliss.  Other than drinking beer, we did outdoorsy activities like above.  Holy zip-lining.  I can check that one off my bucket list.  Look at that face of terror and fear.  Never again.  

Along with my fellow Aggies, I got to see the beautiful Kellen marry Michael.  I am so glad she decided to include us on this special day.  It was a wonderful weekend with family and friends.  And booze.

In Philadelphia Thanksgiving fashion - Jonathan, Katy Anne & I attended the Philly Thanksgiving Parade.  We brought along first-timer Teghen to the event where we saw the shit like above.  Always a good time.  I'm going to miss this Thanksgiving tradition.  Teghen & I concluded the day with having dinner with his mother and step-father.  I was so pleased that they included me and that I passed the girlfriend/family test. 

In December, we took our Christmas trip to NYC.  The roommates, Teghen & I enjoyed window shopping and dinner-n-drinks.  This picture encompasses our relationship.  I'm talking nonsense and Teghen just stares at me with no emotion.

During Christmas time, I traveled to Texas where I got to see my niece run around the living room 40 times at great speed.  She got a ton of useless crap and I got to spend time with my crazy family.

New Years Eve was spent at Texas Roadhouse.  With 20 minutes to spare, Teghen & I drove 80 mph to arrive at a house party 10 minutes before midnight.  We watched the ball drop in NYC on tv, kissed and then I got tackelled by a dog.  Fell on the ground and split champagne all over myself.  

In January, Teghen & I ventured to North Carolina for my lovely college friend Keri's wedding.  Teghen spent the majority of the time in the Days Inn Airport as I floated around town doing my bridesmaid duties.  He is quite the trooper.

February came and I had a lovely birthday and Valentines day.  Teghen gave me a beautiful pearl drop necklace, roses and a real rose dipped in 24K gold and re-painted red/green to look like a real rose.  Very thoughtful since red roses are my favorite flower!

GORGEOUS!

We also went to the Dallas Mavericks and Philadelphia 76ers basketball game.  After a lot of screaming, the Mavs pulled out with a win!  

Now March is vastly approaching.  Time does fly.  Jeez I'm good with words.

I wanted to keep this first blog back nice and short.  Just wanted to tell the world that mamas* back.  

*(By mama, I am referring to myself**).

**(I am not pregnant, I am just using mama like I'm here to take care of my internet public.  Like I gave birth to you.  Abandoned you.  Now I'm back and trying to repair our relationship).

"So it's not gonna be easy.  It's gonna be really hard.  We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.  I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

-Young Noah played by Ryan Gosling in The Notebook

2011 Oscar Fashions

Here are my favorites - enjoy fashionistas:

Busy Phillips (Michelle Williams' date - they are besties) in ?? (Not a designer name - cannot find who she was wearing, ugh).

Love the hair/make-up and the GORGEOUS earrings.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana.  Some critics weren't a fan of this but I thought it was gorgeous!  Love the burgundy color and lace.  But not a fan of the hair.

Love the back!  Reminded me of my friend Megan's wedding gown!

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Haute Couture.  Amazing.  No words.  And that hair.  So cute.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott.  This dress photographed blue but looked more purple on the television.  Either way - love the color and structure of the dress.  However, was not a fan of the necklace.  Thought it was a little too much.  But when is $1,350,000 worth of jewelry too much?

Halle Berry in Marchesa.  Loved the dress from head to toe.  The color was stunning on Halle.  Even though she could go anywhere nude because she literally has the MOST beautiful skin in the solar system.  The 10-carat earrings were nice too.

Mila Kunis is Elie Saab.  The lavender on Mila was the most beautiful color of the night.  The dress was a tad bit showing but was stunning and fit Mila perfectly.  I also loved the hair and the stunning earrings.

Reese Witherspoon (my twin) in Giorgio Armani Prive.

This actually looks a lot like my Junior prom dress.  This one is just not from David's Bridal and is 1,000 times more elegant and form-fitting.  Not a fan of the fake blonde hair clip though.  Could of done without it Reese.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere.  Love the feathered train and different coloring.  The top was structured and eye-stopping.  Loved the hair but could of done without the hair clip she wore.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein collection.  I absolutely love the color, sleek dress, make-up, jewelry and hair style (simple and elegant).

"If the wind can do it, then we can do it."

-Nonnie Parker played by Reese Witherspoon in A Far Off Place

2011 Oscars

It is time for the major event - the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.  This year I decided to change it up.  Instead of watching it by myself, I made plans to watch it with my gay Cristian and one of his friends that he refers to as 'Rita' (real name Ron).  I headed to Ron's house with my open case of Miller Light (I consistently keep it classy).  My friend Eli was headed to an Oscar party that he had invited to me to that I had to regrettably declined since I live a couple time zones west of him.  They have a betting pool at this mansion Oscar party which I entered with him.  I'm assuming we didn't win because I have yet to hear from him.  But I got 14 out of 24.  That's pretty good, right?  And I only missed the silly categories like short animation and best documentary so I feel pretty good about my picks.

The hosts this year were Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  While Anne was bubbly and charismatic, James on the other hand looked like he had hit the bong too hard before the performance.  Which is super upsetting because I absolutely LOVE me some Franco.  I guess it proves that James cannot do everything...  Movies, television, graduate school, teaching classes, washing cars & General Hospital stints.

The ceremony began with a pre-taped video of Anne & James' 'trip' to the Oscars.  The theme was the movie Inception where Anne & James got stuck in Alec Baldwin's dream (Alec's dream superbly narrated by Morgan Freeman).  Going through each dream in a dream (if confused - watch Inception), they hopped through some of the movies nominated for Best Picture.  My favorite part was when James shouted at a True Grit Jeff Bridges - "I loved you in Tron".

As the intro video ends, the screen now focused on the real award ceremony as James & Anne made there entrance onto the stage.  Meanwhile, James is video taping the crowd from his perspective.  From his iPhone.

They welcomed the crowd on a beautiful stage!  They did a quick bit with there respective families in the audience.  Anne with her mother who lovingly told her to sit up straight.  Then James' grandmother stood up and proclaimed how excited she was.  Not because her grandson was co-hosting.  But because she got to meet Marky Mark.  

Oh, Mark Wahlberg.  Good vibrations Marky.

I'm not going to go through each winner but just the highlights of the evening.  I know you are sighing with relief.  If this blog is too long for you, well...  then don't read it.

Kirk Douglas came out to present Best Supporting Actress.  His speech was slightly hard to understand but he seemed full of life.  Well, for a man that is 94.  He hit on Anne Hathaway and then made a joke about Australians and the English.  I'm sure the man in charge of the length of the telecast was like "WRAP IT UP".  After Kirk delayed opening the enveloped several times,  he finally announced the winner who was Melissa Leo from The Fighter.

Leo was still shocked even though she was the heavy favorite.  She did a lot of finger shaking and was slightly hysterical.  Especially when she dropped the F bomb.  That's right ladies and gentlemen, she made the mistake of saying Fuck.  Well, that is what the live 'delay' is for so all is forgiven.  If your awkward nipple ring thing would of popped out of that hideous dress, then we would of something to talk about.

Whoops.  I said Fuck.

After a few more awards were given out, Anne came out in a tux with some killer high heels.  She performed a song which was expected because of her debut a few years ago at the Oscars hosted by Hugh Jackman where she revealed to the world just how multi-talented she is.  Bitch.

As she was wrapping up, James came out in drag as Marilyn Monroe.  Some people call it the funniest (well, only funny) thing he did all night.  I still stand by the Tron comment.

'nuff said.

After a woman accepted an award with the sweatiest pits on the planet, my twin came out to present Best Supporting Actor.  Now some of you may laugh.  Reese Witherspoon?  Lauren's twin?  Well listen up bitches because I get told that at least 5-10 times a week at work by guests so HA.  The award went to Christian Bale who gave one of the best acceptance speeches of the night.  

Nice beard Batman.

I want to give two statements.

1.  I finally saw The Fighter and it lived up to the hype.  I literally had no nails or skin left on my fingers after the movie was done.  The acting in it is superb not only by Bale and Leo but also by Wahlberg and Amy Adams who were extraordinary.  It is a wonderful true story of the Lowell boxing Wards.

2.  An actor not too well known in the Oscar community was also nominated for Best Supporting Actor alongside Bale.  He was nominated for Winter's Bone.  Most of you know him from a little television show called Eastbound & Down.  That man is John Hawkes.  What a badass.

After many more awards were given out, a very funny man by the name of Luke Matheny won the Oscar for Best Live Action Short Film.  As he sprinted to the stage, he made the comment that he should of gotten a hair cut and thanked his mom who did craft services for the film.  Funny guy.

 Next was a funny pre-taped video centered around four films (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, The Social Network, Toy Story 3 and Twilight) that were Auto-tuned to create a music video.  I especially liked the Harry Potter one.

Then a very large Oprah Winfrey came out to present Best Documentary.  Ah fuck it, who cares.

Holy boobs.

A surprise guest Billy Crystal came out to introduce a Bob Hope remembrance.  Crystal known for his previous Oscar hosting gigs as well as Hope (well, Hope hosted a whopping 18 times back in the day). 

Best Original Song winner Randy Newman gave a hysterical acceptance speech.  It centered around him being nominated 20 times and only winning twice.  Then the ceremony shifted to the serious as Celine Dion sang Smile while the in memoriam played behind her.  Remembering some amazing filmmakers like Irvin Kershner, Dennis Hopper, Tony Curtis, Leslie Nielson and Jill Clayburgh.  Lena Horne was the last to be immortalized as Halle Berry followed to give her own personal dedication to the woman who ignited African American women's roles in films in the 30s.

Then it was time for the three main awards of the night.  Best Actress, Best Actor and Best Picture.  No surprises here.

Jeff Bridges presented a very pregnant Natalie Portman her first Oscar for Black Swan.  Her speech was sweet and sincere as she got emotional at the end thanking her family.

Sandra Bullock presented Colin Firth his first Oscar for The King's Speech.  Firth's acceptance speech was witty and cute as always.

Steven Spielberg presented Best Picture.  There was an introductory video of all the nominee's that was narrated by the literal King's Speech from the movie.  Could not of been more subtle Academy.

In summation, I think Anne did a good job hosting but was dragged down by James' squinting trying to read the que-cards and zoning out into space mantra.  The Oscar's were mostly predictable this year with no major surprises other than I thought David Fincher was going to take home Best Directing this year for The Social Network (Tom Hooper took it for the ever-dominating The King's Speech).

And on that note, 

"If I am King, where is my power?  Can I declare war?  Form a government?  Levy a tax?  No!  And yet I am the seat of all authority because they think that when I speak, I speak for them."

-King George VI played by Colin Firth in The King's Speech